Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 22/07/2023 11:55

Suddenness is what seems wrong to me here. I'd never be a step-parent to anyone, but that is clear from the beginning so has meant some possible relationships have never started.

Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 11:59

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:54

I would happily stay living separately if it meamt the relationship could continue but he thinks that shows lack of commitment on his part and that he cannot unsay the things he's said about my children. The thing is we would still be together and happy if this talk about mortgages had not sparked his panic

What things did he say that he can’t take back?

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 12:02

That he would end up resenting me and my children if we lived together

OP posts:
JbytheSea · 22/07/2023 12:03

Agree with others: he has done the right thing being transparent with you at this time and not further along down the line.

It is very difficult being a step- parent. I couldn’t do it. Hard enough being a parent 😆

Also agree with others: is it not an option to ‘be together - but live apart?’ Doesn’t have to be all or nothing surely?

EarringsandLipstick · 22/07/2023 12:04

samestyle · 22/07/2023 11:52

It's shit of him to give you false hope, fair enough blending a family isn't for everyone but he should of been honest upfront, a sudden change of heart is very confusing.
Do you think it's the kids or just he doesn't want commitment of living together?

How is it false hope? He has reflected now they are planning moving in together - and it's not for him.

He's perfectly entitled to decide this. What's wrong is if he was pretending to commit when he knew he couldn't - but he didn't do this.

JbytheSea · 22/07/2023 12:05

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 12:02

That he would end up resenting me and my children if we lived together

I don’t think this is nasty or horrible in anyway. Just him being honest that he would struggle with the change in living circumstances/responsibilities etc.

I think you should talk to him and see if you can work something out.

good luck 🍀

neilyoungismyhero · 22/07/2023 12:07

I expect the discussion about mortgages and moving in together suddenly became a 'now' reality as opposed to a distant one. Sounds like he's genuinely got cold feet and has rethought what the relationship is going to entail. Bit late and very unfair on you and your little family, but he's admitted his feelings and not just disappeared without being honest with you.
Sorry it's happened it must have been such a shock.

Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 12:08

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 12:02

That he would end up resenting me and my children if we lived together

I mean he doesn’t need to take that back to not live together but stay together. He has been clear he doesn’t want to live with children.

He shouldn’t take it back. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t stay together.

I suspect, Op, he means he has realised that he is wants a relationship where he can live with his partner. He doesn’t want to live with a partner and their children so he can’t have this with you. And so has ended it.

romdowa · 22/07/2023 12:09

He's done the right thing and been honest. There's no way on this earth I would live with another person's children but this guy probably thought he could. It's doesn't make him a bad person no matter how much it hurts you

fancifulmanciful · 22/07/2023 12:16

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:32

He was quite set in his ways and routine driven. But did he always make time for my children....days out etc. He was very good with them. Its just the suddenness that baffles me. Why say this now after 2 years??

He didn't think he could do better then. He does now. Someone's walked past. Ignore him when he comes back.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 22/07/2023 12:17

Fair play to his honesty and letting you know his feelings. Like other posters have stated, look at all the posts about being a step dad/mum/child. Doesn’t sound like being a step parent is for him, he has done the right thing for him and also for you and your kids in the long run. It is shit and does not stop the hurt though x

Oceanus · 22/07/2023 12:31

worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him
Start with you. Love yourself more than him.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 22/07/2023 12:31

I call bullshit on this!
someone has changed his mind. I’ll bet that in a few months he will come crawling back …

Prettybutdumb · 22/07/2023 12:33

Quveas · 22/07/2023 11:31

To be honest, that sounds like a made up explanation - I suspect he has met someone else. It's easier to blame it on the responsibility of taking on two children. That way it sounds more convincing and not as selfish - he'll get a bit more empathy from his friends and family if they think that, albeit a little late in the day, he's made a decision that is in the best interests of everyone including the children.

I actually had a feeling that he had a chat with a mate who advised him against it, maybe opened his eyes and told him he would become involved in child rearing responsibilities, possibly making him feel resentful.

readbooksdrinktea · 22/07/2023 12:45

EarringsandLipstick · 22/07/2023 11:34

I mean it's fairly obvious? You are now talking about moving in & joint financial commitments, this is the time to say it.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. Worse if he didn't say anything.

talawalawoo · 22/07/2023 12:50

Wouldn't he have known this at the beginning though? Seems abit cruel to involve himself in OP and the children's lives over 2 Years and then have this revelation now. I think it's fair enough for him to have this point of view but surely this isn't something you just change your mind on and he would have known before

fancifulmanciful · 22/07/2023 12:51

talawalawoo · 22/07/2023 12:50

Wouldn't he have known this at the beginning though? Seems abit cruel to involve himself in OP and the children's lives over 2 Years and then have this revelation now. I think it's fair enough for him to have this point of view but surely this isn't something you just change your mind on and he would have known before

He knew before but would have settled there until someone better came along.

talawalawoo · 22/07/2023 12:54

@fancifulmanciful

I thought this too, I think he kind of led her up the garden path abit

Libelula21 · 22/07/2023 12:54

Is it possible he has debts that you’re unaware of?
It sounds most strange.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 22/07/2023 13:01

I know it hurts a lot but he’s done the right thing, he’s let you know he’d not be happy like that and he’s not forced you and your children to go through a process of living together to find out it doesn’t work - which would ultimately hurt your children a lot.

Itll take some time but there will be someone out there for you Flowers

sweepleall · 22/07/2023 13:02

talawalawoo · 22/07/2023 12:50

Wouldn't he have known this at the beginning though? Seems abit cruel to involve himself in OP and the children's lives over 2 Years and then have this revelation now. I think it's fair enough for him to have this point of view but surely this isn't something you just change your mind on and he would have known before

I don't think it's so uncommon to think something will be fine and then realise later it won't be.

I dated someone who didn't speak my mother tongue for a long time before I realised that actually it was important to me to be with someone who spoke both of my native languages (I am bilingual), I thought it would be fine but it wasn't.

adriftabroad · 22/07/2023 13:05

I am so sorry OP, but I would not move in either.
Joint finances/house and 2 DCs that are not his? No way.
Kerrazy after 2 years.

FatCatBum · 22/07/2023 13:13

The reality of living with two children, and basically signing up to have your life revolving around them and their wants and needs, is very different to dating and just seeing them for days out.

I agree with PP who suggests that he's spoken to a mate about moving in, and has had his eyes about how it would really change his life and he just isn't up for it

AllOfThemWitches · 22/07/2023 13:19

I don't understand why you'd need to move in together. Been with my partner for years and we both have kids. I'll never move in with him because I have absolutely no desire to spend time around his kids. Doesn't make me a bad person, I just know I couldn't do that.

justasking111 · 22/07/2023 13:23

I could have been a step parent but OH I know would only have wanted the fruit of his loins.

Swipe left for the next trending thread