Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Other man

210 replies

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:04

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

OP posts:
Debini · 21/07/2023 21:41

Have you explained to your “DP” why you’ve left? I hope everything works out for you, you deserve so much more.

Switcher · 21/07/2023 21:41

Dump him

Bananabedhead · 21/07/2023 21:43

I wouldn't tell him anything until you're out. There is a power imbalance as you've said, he might turn nasty, especially if he worries he's letting his best mate down.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:45

thanks for being there for me

OP posts:
Bananabedhead · 21/07/2023 21:58

Best of luck for this weekend. You can do it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 21/07/2023 22:03

Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:03

Update. I’ve come home from work and my dp has asked if I would be willing to go away for a long weekend just me him and the husband, with “no distractions”. He is pushing it yet again.

I’m looking at hotels to go to for this weekend until I can find somewhere to live. This is the final straw for me

What a fkg weirdo he is.

TheoTheopolis23 · 21/07/2023 22:07

and designed to leave you feeling empty, worthless and confused and if not careful, ruined for the rest of your life.

I don't think it's designed to do anything, other than get him what he wants.

The woman's, any woman's, feelings and potential trauma are irrelevant. He sees women as pawns, objects etc. by the sounds of everything op has described.

MsDogLady · 21/07/2023 22:11

Yes, @Confused1096, assert your strength and dignity. Walk away from this perverted man who has no moral compass. He is determined to provide your body to the lascivious predator. These two are truly putrid scum.

Stay strong and don’t allow him to hoover you. Keep posting here!

YukoandHiro · 21/07/2023 22:12

How long have you been with your partner? There's a big age gap between you. I think that makes your partner's behaviour even more creepy and upsetting.
Unless you have children together which makes things more complex this would be an immediate end of relationship for me. He's shown you zero respect and exploited his friend's misery too.

YukoandHiro · 21/07/2023 22:13

Ah cross post just seen no kids.

Good luck OP. You're doing the right thing

DoubleTime · 22/07/2023 07:33

So glad you got yourself out of there. Its v worrying the way they were ganging up on you, and i hate to think what it was leading up to.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 22/07/2023 07:37

Thanks @DoubleTime i slept well away from him. Time to get planning today

OP posts:
Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 22/07/2023 09:58

This is horrendous. I'm glad you are away from him. Stay away no matter what, your safety is all that matters. What a repulsive man.

DoubleTime · 22/07/2023 10:44

Good for you OP, up and at them. Wishing you all the best x

Libelula21 · 22/07/2023 10:47

OP,

I think others have helped you to see the way clear to the path ahead.

The scenario you described sounded horrific - the one person who’s supposed to live you, support you, and be safe to be vulnerable with, putting you in an unhappy and miserable situation.
It‘a awful to think how much more lost and unhappy you’d be feeling if they’d succeeded in their perverted and rapey plan.

Just want to wish you well going forward. I’d really recommend accessing counselling if you can, so that you can process the grief and toxicity, and help strengthen your boundaries in a neutral space.

Counselling would free you up to focus on building up new or previous friendships by bonding over positive happy things - don’t place too much burden on still new friendship bonds. Self-love and self-empowerment is your way ahead. Best of luck, better days lie ahead.

💐💐💐

Libelula21 · 22/07/2023 10:52

Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:03

Update. I’ve come home from work and my dp has asked if I would be willing to go away for a long weekend just me him and the husband, with “no distractions”. He is pushing it yet again.

I’m looking at hotels to go to for this weekend until I can find somewhere to live. This is the final straw for me

Ugh, just ugh.

Stay safe OP, physically and emotionally x

Tresto · 23/07/2023 20:31

Hope you are okay

Acornsoup · 23/07/2023 20:56

These men are using you, if you don't like it run. This is probably why your friend wants out of this dynamic.

I can think of a single time any partner have ever asked me to flirt with someone. You know this is not normal right?

Epidote · 23/07/2023 23:21

Glad to hear you are not getting into it.
You are much better on your own.
Stay strong.

Libelula21 · 24/07/2023 14:04

Hoping you are ok too. It’s a lot. 💐

Flashingtealights · 24/07/2023 14:47

Reading this was shocking. What a vile, disrespectful piece of shit he is. Absolutely no fucks given about you, just wants to indulge his sick fantasy of watching you get off with his mate, no doubt about that. I'm glad you're making plans to leave, how could you not really.
He almost sounds like he has a bit of a thing for this guy, maybe he's hoping for a threesome, with the hope of himself getting some action with him . Yuck , so gross to involve you

Original poster
Confused1096 · 24/07/2023 18:39

Update… I’m still away. He’s been asking me to come home. Claiming not to have a clue Wots going on. I tried to explain and he’s told me I’m “overthinking things”

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 24/07/2023 20:12

His fish is trying to wiggle off the hook, best to try to make you doubt yourself.
Tell him to sling his hook!

Bananabedhead · 24/07/2023 20:48

You're not over thinking at all. Don't let him talk you into believing it wasn't like that. It was.

Northernsouloldies · 24/07/2023 20:55

He was trying to con you into some weird scenario god knows where that would have led to. 100% better off without this weirdo in your life.