Other man

[Confused1096]

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

@weightsandwine thank u. I’m glad u have a good man. Maybe there is still hope for me. I have wasted my 30s with this man, I am still young enough to build a life

OP your partner was trafficking you. The more I read the more sick I felt. It sounds as though there has always been a power imbalance at best in the relationship. Do you walk on eggshells? Does he keep you on the hop? These are signs of an abusive relationship. It sounds like at least financially you are fully independent which will make it much easier to leave, and you may find if you reach out to old friends now they will be happy to support you. Good luck.

@AnaglyptaBandersnatch theres always been a power imbalance. Everything is on his terms if I voice my opinion he either accuses me of being passive aggressive or disappears for days until “I calm down”

I now fully believe I would have been expected to sleep with that other man. My partner was telling me “all the woman” wanted him and that he has a big d*. Almost like he was trying to sell the idea to me

This sounds awful. Definitely definitely LTB

Yes, sounds like the OPs husband has a cuckhold fetish, it’s much more common than people think. he would have probably liked it had you slept with creepy friend. Thank god you didn’t do it because he sounds a bit like a creep, as per your husband telling him it’s ok to flirt with you without asking you first that is not ok at all. I would have told both husband and creep to f-ck off.

Unbelievable!.
You have done nothing wrong it is up to them (both husbands) whatever they agreed without your consent is bullocks.
Best thing you do is forget about it and if something like that happens again feel free to tell your DH that he can flirt with his mate if he wish too.

@Epidote he worships the ground this guy walks on. They have such a weird friendship dynamic! Probably why I have never spent any real time in his company. He’s welcome to flirt with him 🤢

@Sandra1984 any conversation between them regarding me and wot was ok to do without my permission should never have took place. So disrespectful

This is the most disturbing post I have ever read on MN. I am very balanced and don't rush to decision, however I would go to the pol!ce for this. This was sexu@l assault and harassment you didn't consent to.

Yes, it is clear it was planned and agreed by the 2 of them, so it was premeditated. You need therapy to recover from this mess.

I would like to see the coppers face once the OP says “I came here because my husband told me to flirt with some guy!”.

@Snowy2022 i don’t think it’s a police matter. For all it was sh*t I kept myself safe (ish). Never entertained anything and wen they took it too far on the final night I left. maybe more of a life lesson for me

It’s not a police matter by any means but you’re not safe with this manipulative douche bag, your mental health seems to be suffering (hence the reason you created this thread).

@Sandra1984 Quite a bold statement to make. She did not consent to any of this and coercive behaviour is punishable by law in certain circumstances such as this.

She also needs therapy to help her process this mess. Any comment?

While repeated coercive control by an intimate partner can be a criminal offence I believe this one is not, he's just a douche. Obvs I don't know the whole story of this couple but if he's being coercive in other ways then I guess she might have a case.

@Sandra1984 thank you for acknowledging that. If you read the whole thread, the pattern on just 2 weeks is hard to ignore unless you don't want to see it. At the end of the day, OP needs all the help she can to at least try to make sense of this. Others have come out to openly say he was pimping her out. All of those are unlawful acts and it is disturbing behaviour from someone's DP of 7 years. They are not even married yet, so what will happen then?

"Pimping" in the informal sense we've been using here isn't a criminal offence. Money would have to change hands for that to be the case.

Guys we don’t need to argue. I’m not going to the police just need a bit of a hand hold

Oh OP, I'm sorry. This sounds horrible. Whatever way you look at it, DP betrayed you and you need to think long and hard about what that means. The bit that got me was not the possible conversations he had with this other man behind your back, its that you asked him for help when you felt threatened and vulnerable and he ignored it.
There is a better life out there for you. Leave and go find it.

@DoubleTime yeah it was horrible. I looked at him for help so many times and he told me it was ok. Then nighttime went from one extreme to the other, he was either showering me in affection or making me feel like I was wrong. The full thing has left me lost

More than a hand hold OP you need out of this emotionally abusive relationship and some therapy. After reading all your posts I believe you’re victim of narcissistic abuse. You’ve been gaslighted for 7 years. He’s not a good man.

@Confused1096 If I may ask (just to understand)- hand hold for what? to leave, confront him or to 'un'confuse yourself? Or something else?

To leave

@Sandra1984 got there first: 'More than a hand hold OP you need out of this emotionally abusive relationship and some therapy.'

Still, will be helpful to hear from OP on hand holding

I don’t want to confront him. It will get me nowhere and no matter the explanation I don’t want to know. No matter what he says there’s no excuse