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Original poster

Other man

210 replies

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:04

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

OP posts:
Tresto · 19/07/2023 19:49

This wasn’t your fault op.
If you cannot process what happened (repeating over and over again over again is your processing by the way), please confide in a trusted friend who will listen over amd over to you. Alternatively speak to a counsellor.

You didn’t deserve this and your reaction was normal (women are conditioned not to make a fuss).

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/07/2023 19:49

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:46

@Tomateen i couldn’t leave the bar, I couldn’t leave the car, I couldn’t walk away. I was consistently sandwiched between them. My DP was telling me I was fine, not to make a fuss, that I was ok.

LEAVE HIM. What you have described is grooming and gaslighting. He was trying to override your gut feeling that this wasn't OK. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. What PPs said about pimping you is correct.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2023 19:52

@HundredMilesAnHour
OF COURSE this is an abusive relationship. That is blindingly obvious from ops posts.

GreyCarpet · 19/07/2023 19:53

Don't allow other posters to try and make you feel bad. You were in the freeze mode of flight, flight, freeze response with three other people.

One of those people you presumed cared about you and expected to protect you; one of whom wasarried; one of whom was unhappy and spent little time with you; all of wh are 20 years your senior and have known each other for as long as you've been alive. Those are some pretty strong dynamics.

Add to that you were on holiday in a place you couldn't easily escape from and your survival instincts would have been telling you you keep yourself safe at all costs.

For all those reasons, not only are you not to blame but you ought to be looking to extricate yourself from the situation going forwards.

I'd dump him.

momonpurpose · 19/07/2023 19:54

Dacadactyl · 19/07/2023 19:26

'D'P my arse.

You need to be dumping him. I can tell you my husband (and any other decent man) would not have acted the way your boyfriend did.

This! He obviously was trying to get to a threesome I think. Your "dp" is disgusting. Put yourself in his shoes would you have been encouraging this with your dp and the wife... Get rid of dp he is vile

Ofcourseshecan · 19/07/2023 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No! Shame on this victim-blaming.

OP’s partner put sly pressure on her to ‘be kind’ to the other man. She was in a weird and difficult situation, trying to be polite and fit in. Her partner’s behaviour was confusing and unhelpful, basically acting like a pimp while the other man was sexually harassing her.

I would cut contact with the lot of them, OP.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/07/2023 19:55

For the slow-of-thinking victim-blamers at the back, I'll repost @Tresto:
You didn’t deserve this and your reaction was normal (women are conditioned not to make a fuss).
Women are conditioned not to make a fuss and to defer to men. OP trusted her "D"P not to pimp her out for his jollies and he didn't live up to that. Blame the handsy mate and the "D"P for this, not the OP.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/07/2023 19:57

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/07/2023 19:46

This may come as some surprise to you, but we don't all have the presence of mind in that moment to think of how to get away. Especially those of us who learned as children that resisting a man or boy means lots of pain.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Tresto · 19/07/2023 19:57

Op how long have you known your partner?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:58

@Tresto we have been together 7 years

OP posts:
Tresto · 19/07/2023 20:01

Op has he done anything similar before? This sounds like he is into swinging or cuckolding.

Tresto · 19/07/2023 20:03

Regardless this behaviour is not your fault. Do you have a real life friend to talk to?

WhatADrabCarpet · 19/07/2023 20:03

No.
You call it out and you walk away.

You're being traded.

Get out and walk away from your 'relationship.'

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:07

No he’s never done this before. I think it is the dynamic of their friendship. I think my partner has always felt in the shadow of this man since they were kids. Now as adults he worships the ground he walks on.

Im starting to feel like I’m the first thing my dp has that his friend has wanted, maybe the first time he had the upper hand in their friendship and he was offering me out. God I don’t kno.

OP posts:
MgW1 · 19/07/2023 20:08

You sound younger than these men and therefore very vulnerable , they have a lot of history together. What is the age difference between you and your partner please and how long have you been together ?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:09

Dp said at one point this is wot u could get (woman similar to me - younger, more attractive etc) if u left the wife

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 19/07/2023 20:09

WhatADrabCarpet · 19/07/2023 20:03

No.
You call it out and you walk away.

You're being traded.

Get out and walk away from your 'relationship.'

Absolutely this. OP do not would have could have should have. You were in shock. You didn't do this. These two disgusting men did. No wonder friends marriage is in trouble. Get out there is no coming back from this

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:10

@MgW1 im 16 years younger than my partner.

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/07/2023 20:12

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:09

Dp said at one point this is wot u could get (woman similar to me - younger, more attractive etc) if u left the wife

🤮🤮🤮

Women are not objects to be traded in for a newer model the way that you might part-exchange a car.

Your "D"P is showing you what he thinks of women.

MermaidEyes · 19/07/2023 20:12

God knows why the wife agreed to go on holiday if she spent most of it avoiding all of you. If you decide to stay with your partner then going forward never ever agree to do anything with this couple again.

MgW1 · 19/07/2023 20:15

So are you thinking about it due to the attention he gave you ? Has this friend tried contacting you since you got back? It sounds very messy.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2023 20:15

When a man is so much older, it should raise instant questions. It might be ok. But it's most likely he's gone for you as your young age makes you vulnerable, and puts him firmly in charge. Women his own age would have told him to fuck off with this behaviour. Obviously you probably look better than most women his own age too, but I don't believe that's the primary thing for men, I think they just pretend it is because then they don't have to admit the real reason they go for younger women.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:16

@MermaidEyes the wife didn’t seem to like me either. She drank a lot and was making comments about my age, asking why I was even with my dp telling me he wasn’t good looking or had money. Asking wot I actually got from him.

I feel I had no one there to talk to so I smiled and nodded my way thru the fortnight.

the wife has txt since I got home asking if we would holiday again next year. Complaining about her husband, telling me he’s been in a foul mood since he got home.

OP posts:
WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 19/07/2023 20:16

How have you gone from normal grammar and spelling to

wot woz wen notes etc

Yet you can spell perceived and write perfectly in other posts?

It's a confusing read.

TacCat49 · 19/07/2023 20:18

These 2 men were trying to set up a threesome