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Original poster

Other man

210 replies

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:04

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:19

@WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter sorry I’m falling in and out of text language. I never use woz though!

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 19/07/2023 20:22

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 19/07/2023 20:16

How have you gone from normal grammar and spelling to

wot woz wen notes etc

Yet you can spell perceived and write perfectly in other posts?

It's a confusing read.

I thought the same - although the first post is full of wot, nite, wen etc - sounds like a 14 year old has written it! That and the cringey dynamic whereby the husband has chosen a much younger, and immature, woman who doesn’t have the strength to stand up for herself or say no.

This is 100% his fault by the way, the OP has done nothing to deserve this treatment. She does, however, need to wake up now and see him and the relationship for what it is - dysfunctional, unequal, disrespectful and degrading.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 19/07/2023 20:23

So your partner not only didn't help or support you while you were being sexually harassed, he actively encouraged it.

I would get the hell away from him if I were you.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 19/07/2023 20:24

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:19

@WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter sorry I’m falling in and out of text language. I never use woz though!

Haha I know I looked back and saw now woz. Just the wots 🤣

It's not really the other man though is it, seeing as your husband was pushing for you to get closer to him.

I'd forget other couple and think about working on the problems that are closer to home.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:26

@WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter @Sensibletrousers sorry I’ll be mindful of my spelling moving forward 🤣

OP posts:
MgW1 · 19/07/2023 20:26

Hang on ...
She was flirting! She could have told her partner to f**k off but she encouraged it so why is it sexual harassment??

Darkandstormynite · 19/07/2023 20:27

Your not so 'D'P clearly doesn't actually really care about you or value you as a person. Your relationship is a sham.

Ask yourself why would you stay with someone who thinks so very little of you?

Is he wealthier than you? are you financially reliant on him? there's a very significant power imbalance in your relationship.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:28

@MgW1 i wasn’t flirting

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/07/2023 20:28

MgW1 · 19/07/2023 20:26

Hang on ...
She was flirting! She could have told her partner to f**k off but she encouraged it so why is it sexual harassment??

Read the OP again:

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:30

@Darkandstormynite he is wealthier than me but I do not take a penny for him. I have a well paid job, I provide for myself.

there is a power imbalance. I often find myself doing anything to please him at the cost of how I feel

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 19/07/2023 20:32

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:30

@Darkandstormynite he is wealthier than me but I do not take a penny for him. I have a well paid job, I provide for myself.

there is a power imbalance. I often find myself doing anything to please him at the cost of how I feel

And there we have it.

He’s vile.

What are your thoughts on the almost unanimous chorus of “LEAVE HIM” that you have received on this thread OP?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:34

@Sensibletrousers this is why I came here. I needed an outsider’s perspective. I’m confused

OP posts:
MgW1 · 19/07/2023 20:35

I don't know why in this case you did not tell this man to stop touching you or tell your partner your seriously fucked off and then got a flight home! They sound like 2 dirty old pervs to me , sorry you had to endure this.

Darkandstormynite · 19/07/2023 20:35

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:30

@Darkandstormynite he is wealthier than me but I do not take a penny for him. I have a well paid job, I provide for myself.

there is a power imbalance. I often find myself doing anything to please him at the cost of how I feel

Yep, he's definitely got you on a lead than he can yank anytime he wants..

Is this what your younger self would have wanted for where you are now?

If you've got a well paid job then you must be a functioning intelligent woman. Give your head a wobble, wake up and get yourself out of this ridiculous relationship.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:36

@MgW1 i was three flights away from home. I couldn’t just leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:38

@Darkandstormynite no my younger self would not have wanted nor tolerated this.

He has been weird since we got back. Almost avoiding me, he knows this tactic will make me panic and pander to him more

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 19/07/2023 20:40

Assuming this is true
You were asked to tolerate sexual attention in which you had shown no interest and discouraged for the sake of making this guy feel better about himself.
Presumably feeling 'better' about himself involved indulging in the idea that he could pull a fit nubile young thing like he used to rather than he can be trusted and have enough honour and integrity not to impose himself on someone who was cornered and being coerced.

Your dp enjoyed giving this guy access to his territory on one level, while egging him on to bin the Mrs off for similar toy, and irritation that you didn't push back on another, whilst simultaneously ignoring your distress.
He put feeding his ego and the other guys ego ahead of respecting you.

Not sure I'm buying the fact the wife has messaged asking for a repeat performance though...

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:46

@PimpMyFridge the wife was pleasant when it was just her and I. Offloading their problems.

I also think she enjoyed not having to entertain them and leaving me to spend time with them whilst she swanned off shopping and sunning herself. If I was her I would be asking for a repeat holiday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:48

she has known them 30 years. I think she was grateful they weren’t her issue for the duration of the holiday and I had to put up with their drunken behaviour

OP posts:
choccytime · 19/07/2023 20:48

Your "D"P is an absolute arse , how he could treat you like that ,get rid

MermaidEyes · 19/07/2023 20:48

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:16

@MermaidEyes the wife didn’t seem to like me either. She drank a lot and was making comments about my age, asking why I was even with my dp telling me he wasn’t good looking or had money. Asking wot I actually got from him.

I feel I had no one there to talk to so I smiled and nodded my way thru the fortnight.

the wife has txt since I got home asking if we would holiday again next year. Complaining about her husband, telling me he’s been in a foul mood since he got home.

They sound like a vile couple. He thinks it's ok to flirt with you and touch you inappropriately and she seems to think women should only be with guys who are good looking and have money. Hopefully you told her there'll be no repeat holiday next year.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:51

@MermaidEyes yeah I told her it was too long a holiday for me and that dp and I will go back to our relaxing breaks in the future

OP posts:
Pudmyboy · 19/07/2023 20:51

@Confused1096 could your confusion be just you trying to come to terms with the fact that your partner is not who you thought he was?
This reads as an incredibly abusive situation and now it has happened, your 'd'p will more than likely try something equally creepy in future.
This is not a healthy relationship, if you don't get out now you will probably end up in another abusive situation with the expectation that you are game for it

IWasFunBeforeMum · 19/07/2023 20:51

Why didn't tell this other man to stop fucking touching you?!

PimpMyFridge · 19/07/2023 20:52

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:48

she has known them 30 years. I think she was grateful they weren’t her issue for the duration of the holiday and I had to put up with their drunken behaviour

Ok, makes more sense from the wife's pov.. but
Wow. They all used you for their own selfish reasons.
You need to free yourself from this, you are being treated like a convenient plaything with no agency.
Call it a day and work out how to avoid people who want to dominate you.