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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Other man

210 replies

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:04

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/07/2023 22:30

You’ll get a whole lot of self-worth back if you take control of this situation and dump this sad, old loser.

You can do so much better.

Walesagogo · 19/07/2023 22:30

What got me most about this was when you described him looking the other way when you looked over to him for help. That's despicable. You're worth so much more. You know what you have to do OP. No wonder you're confused by all of this. Its not normal behaviour.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:35

It’s came from nowhere. We only ever holiday ourselves, we have been in other couples company and there have been comments on my appearance from other men ( I think due to the age gap and given the fact I take care of my appearance) but nothing like this! Usually he goes out his way to tell people I’m lucky to have him.

but I genuinely feel this is down to their weird friendship dynamic. That’s on them not me. My dp will now lose me and by the sounds of it the wife won’t be around for much longer. Least they will have each other

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 19/07/2023 22:37

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 21:15

At the time I knew I couldn’t leave. If I made a fuss it would make the rest of the holiday unbearable. I was maybe in the wrong but I allowed it to happen, I took the easy way out.

on our last night we took a dip in the private pool late at night just the three of us and my dp told me not to talk to him. To give this man the last attention he would get. I tried to avoid him but he was following me around wherever I moved. I called for my partner several times and he ignored me. I left in the end to be called stupid and told I was ruining the night.

I fully believe this was planned by them they would discuss it beforehand and I wasn’t party to what would happen that night I was just expected to do what they wanted.

Then leave you will never forget the gross dirty feeling this gave you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/07/2023 00:06

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:38

@HundredMilesAnHour i did not fully know this man. I had been in his company about 8 hours before this trip. He is my DP’s oldest friend. I didn’t want to create a big drama hence why I asked my DP to help, to stop it.

But not you're back what's stopping you asking Dp about it? Like saying 'what the actual f was that all about do you two have some kind of three some history together? Why we're you encouraging it?'

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/07/2023 00:08

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:46

@Tomateen i couldn’t leave the bar, I couldn’t leave the car, I couldn’t walk away. I was consistently sandwiched between them. My DP was telling me I was fine, not to make a fuss, that I was ok.

This is what I don't like at all. He's not a supportive partner and is dismissive of your feelings. Why! ? So that he and his pal can get a kick out of your discomfort? This gives me the creeps. I'm your age and the thought of two men in their 50s treating me like this makes me shudder

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/07/2023 00:10

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:30

@Darkandstormynite he is wealthier than me but I do not take a penny for him. I have a well paid job, I provide for myself.

there is a power imbalance. I often find myself doing anything to please him at the cost of how I feel

DONT DO THIS!
Please get some counselling and discuss boundaries it will really help you i used to do this too x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/07/2023 00:11

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:12

@meditated i don’t have any rl friends left, they have all walked away due to how he has treated me in the past. I only have workmates and I’m the boss so wouldn’t be appropriate. That’s why I came here

I'm sorry he has isolated you :-( I think some good friends might be willing to help if you reach out though xx

MsDogLady · 20/07/2023 03:07

told me… to give this man the last attention he would get. I tried to avoid him but he followed me wherever I moved. I called for my partner several times and he ignored me. I left in the end to be called stupid and told I was ruining the night.

@Confused1096, this is beyond horrific. Your P has trafficked you to the predator he worships. Well done for shutting down their evil plan and escaping the venue of their trap, the pool.

Your P is a real danger to your well-being. He conspired with his friend to groom you (the coercion, expectation of compliance, inappropriate touching, and dirty pillow talk) so you would be amenable to an escalation on the last night. Both of these twisted pigs were aroused by degrading and abusing you.

I often find myself doing anything to please him at the cost of how I feel.
He has been…almost avoiding me. He knows this tactic will make me panic and pander to him more.

You sound trauma-bonded to this controlling narcissist who uses you as ego supply and enjoys turning you inside out to keep you off-balance. He doesn’t see you as a separate individual with rights, feelings and boundaries. Only his wants/needs matter to him, and you are meant to comply and service them. This is how he treats women in order to feel powerful. Your friends have the measure of him and their exit sends a strong message.

@Confused1096, you must banish the belief that you are worthless. You are a valuable individual worthy of great respect, equality and kindness. I strongly advise you to to seek individual counseling to raise your self-esteem, strengthen your boundaries, learn effective coping strategies, break this malignant bond, and formulate an exit plan.

It will be hard work, but you can do it.

PimpMyFridge · 20/07/2023 07:17

@MsDogLady 👌👌👌👏👏👏

wyntersuhn · 20/07/2023 07:47

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:09

Dp said at one point this is wot u could get (woman similar to me - younger, more attractive etc) if u left the wife

Sorry, that's disgusting. Objectifying women. Vile.

Dery · 20/07/2023 08:23

@Confused1096 - you’re in an abusive relationship. This man has isolated you and treats you badly. You are vulnerable because you feel alone in the world. I’m sure some of your good friends would be there for you if you reached out. You have the means to get away and support yourself. It would be great if you could do that. Can you afford therapy for yourself also?

Dery · 20/07/2023 08:24

PS - you’re not lucky to have this man. It’s a huge piece of bad luck that this is who your partner is.

TheoTheopolis23 · 20/07/2023 11:30

That's a 20 year (?) age gap.

A generation wide age gap.

I find a lot of older men who go for younger women do so because they think they'll be able to influence and control them better than women their closer to their own age.

(They also tend to be mostly attracted to younger women cause they're shallow, value youth and looks above all, a bit sleazy etc).

His behaviour is totally inappropriate exploitative, creepy, deeply unfair, selfish etc.

I know a few men like this. They are very sexually motivated & driven. They usually have fucked up at least one marriage chasing sex/die to their sexual behaviour. They often want a lot of sexual variety (of experiences) like swinging and threesomes etc. They almost always date younger women if they can (they often have plenty of self confidence, shameless, superficial charm etc. so they get younger women).

I bet he ended up single because of shit behaviour.
With a few exceptions, decent men that age are still married to their partner/wife, not single/going through a turnover of significantly younger women.

TheoTheopolis23 · 20/07/2023 11:34

Dp said at one point this is wot u could get (woman similar to me - younger, more attractive etc) if u left the wife

He sees women as objects, sex objects, trophies etc.

You are never going to change that.

The men I know like this have moved onto trips to Thailand in their 60s cause it's not as easy for them to pull younger women past their 50s (though some still do).

Darby3785 · 20/07/2023 11:40

The worrying thing in all of this is your DPs behaviour! If we went on holiday with a couple and the man was touching me any chance he could get, I'd be telling my DH we are now holidaying alone and my DH would support me, not turn a blind eye

There is something more to this on your DPs side and you need to get rid of him. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. Ruining the night? How dare he! I'd of honestly left at that!

TheoTheopolis23 · 20/07/2023 11:40

I don’t have any rl friends left, they have all walked away due to how he has treated me in the past

That is a major sign, as if another one was needed that you're in an abusive relationship.

He's an abuser. He's now an abuser who's moving toward pimping you out.

But like most abusers, he's so fucked up, he's stick between wanting to pimp you out, get sexual gratification from knowing youve have sexual contact with his friend, sexual gratification from lending you out like a sexy sports car/trophy, getting some sexual gratification from cuckolding perhaps ...... And being jealous, angry etc about the whole thing; which he'll conveniently blame you for.

Pushing women to have sexual contact/sex with other ken and then getting angry and jealous bitter and blaming the women for it (and usually calling her names and punishing her for it) is typical behaviour of this type of abuser.

TheoTheopolis23 · 20/07/2023 11:43

due to how he has treated me in the past

What does this mean? It sounds like you know you're in an abusive relationship .... Even before this latest piece of skin crawling behaviour on him and his oldest friend's part.

Work on getting counselling m,breaching out to friends and acquaintances, building up a social life and network away from him. Don't let isolation and loneliness make you stay with this abuser who's old enough to be your Dad.

TheoTheopolis23 · 20/07/2023 11:49

he is wealthier than me but I do not take a penny for him. I have a well paid job, I provide for myself.

You don't even need him for money FFS!

Get the fuck rid of him and when you're ready, try to meet someone normal closer to your own age (or whatever) but not this abuser/creep.

TheoTheopolis23 · 20/07/2023 11:53

Also I don't know if you have kids or want them.

You're late 30s, you likely still have the chance.

Late 50s men are a shit prospect for fathering kids on all fronts.

Harder to get pregnant, miscarriage more likely, abnormalities more likely, autism much more likely, far less likely to be an active, weight pulling father etc etc
Men like to believe their fertility stays unaffected; more and more research is showing it must definitely does nor, all genetic material ages

5128gap · 20/07/2023 12:02

You need to rustle up some support OP. I get its difficult at work because you're the boss and it's not a great idea to let junior colleagues in on your personal life. But depending on their personality and the work culture, could you speak to your manager if you have one? A lot of workplaces give employees access to counselling services these days, so might be worth checking?
A quick Google will also give give you details of agencies that support women, such as women's aid (you are being exploited and abused) so this may be an option to consider.
Some of the posters on these boards are also really knowledgeable about the practicalities of your rights and entitlements to help you understand your options if you do decide to exit this relationship. Its a huge plus that you are financially independent so you will have options.
You're obviously going to be in shock at the moment as this is pretty big stuff that will have shown you things about your partner and relationship that you won't be able to unsee now. Take your time to process it and then start to plan to free yourself.

greyhairnomore · 20/07/2023 16:28

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:09

Dp said at one point this is wot u could get (woman similar to me - younger, more attractive etc) if u left the wife

That is disgusting 🤢

BarryK3nt · 20/07/2023 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 17:51

Sorry I’ve been quiet. Had a lot on today. Still not feeling any better about things. Now realising this was never about the other guy… it’s about how little my dp thinks of me

OP posts:
weightsandwine · 20/07/2023 18:04

You are right! Don't forget that this is a reflection of him, now your you

For a different perspective on age gap relationships, my husband of 10 years is 20 years older than me. He has never once tried to control or manipulate me. He doesn't have a violent bone in his body but he would absolutely not tolerate another man trying it on with me, let alone encourage it. It isn't healthy normal behaviour in a relationship.

Please listen to everyone here and make plans to leave, this isn't right