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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Other man

210 replies

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:04

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

OP posts:
Snowy2022 · 20/07/2023 20:59

Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 20:56

To leave

Ok. Thank you for clarifying. I will now leave it to other well positioned MNetters to give you useful and specific advice on 'leaving'

(((Hugs)))

DimeStoreHooker · 20/07/2023 20:59

It sounds like a nasty game between the two men, and you were the target.

OP please leave him.

DoubleTime · 20/07/2023 20:59

How very confusing..... It sounds to me like he has mixed feelings about what he is leading you into - pleased on the one hand, jealous on the other. I'm not sure what it means underneath it all, but its not healthy is it, and you know that somewhere already, you are just blindsided because you didn't think someone who cared about you would do anything hurtful to you.

You reached out asking for help, and he dismissed it, worse made you confused as to your need for help. Do you really want to play that one out further and risk how bad it could get ?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 21:02

@DoubleTime I’m heartbroken at how he behaved. I don’t understand it at all, it’s like he would do anything to make this other man happy at the expense of me and our relationship.

OP posts:
Epidote · 20/07/2023 21:07

Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 19:28

@Epidote he worships the ground this guy walks on. They have such a weird friendship dynamic! Probably why I have never spent any real time in his company. He’s welcome to flirt with him 🤢

I would try not to think about it anymore. But I wouldn't forget in case your DH shows you this kind of behaviour in the future. All the situation was weird/ creepy as minimum and just caught you in the middle with not idea of what was going on.

If your husband admire him he may thought that he fancying you will be turning him on and it did eventually but did not last much? Just pure speculation because I think that you will never know the exact conversation they had.

I suppose that in the end both of you were uncomfortable for the amusement of the other guy. Which is crap because you did not wanted any of it.

As I said you did well and kept yourself as un involved as you could given the circumstances.

If your husband had never shown this kind of behaviour before I would call it a day and keep my Spidey sense on alert just in case.

Sandra1984 · 20/07/2023 21:11

Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 21:02

@DoubleTime I’m heartbroken at how he behaved. I don’t understand it at all, it’s like he would do anything to make this other man happy at the expense of me and our relationship.

And this is why it’s important you get some therapy, because you need to understand narcissism, otherwise you’re going to internalizar his missgivings as it’s all your fault (it’s not), and this will completely ruin your self esteem and self worth (if it hasn’t already). impressing his creepy friend is more important than his wife’s well-being. It’s all about him, lYou’re not safe with this guy.

MsDogLady · 20/07/2023 21:13

@Confused1096, he is not a true ‘Partner’ because he harms you. He is an abuser, dominator, punisher and manipulator. Now you can add ‘Pimp’ to that list, as he exploited you in a planned transaction with his idolized mate. The currency used was your body in exchange for this sex offender’s gratitude. It’s also possible that a cuckold fetish was at play.

Their scheme to sexually abuse you was way beyond ‘disrespectful.’ It was criminal.

Especially disturbing was P’s dripping his conniving poison into your ear to groom you and convince you to disregard your inner screams as you were repeatedly trapped and violated by the offender’s close presence and unwanted touch. P threw you to the wolf because pleasing him was his priority.

Your update regarding P’s pushing back/name-calling or leaving for days if you ever dare to express your opinion is chilling, but not surprising. This monster believes that he owns you and your agency, and that he has the right to stomp all over your boundaries.

@Confused1096, P’s abuse of you has been normalized. I sincerely hope that you will take action to escape this destructive situation which will eventually diminish you beyond recognition. Please access IC and do the Freedom Programme.

Are any children involved?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 21:16

@MsDogLady no children. He has adult children. But none between us. He has the ✂️ long before we met

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 20/07/2023 21:20

@Confused1096, have you written about his dominating behavior before? It sounds familiar.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 21:21

@MsDogLady i haven’t this is the first time talking about him on here

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 20/07/2023 21:26

MsDogLady · 20/07/2023 21:20

@Confused1096, have you written about his dominating behavior before? It sounds familiar.

We need to make a distinction between "dominating" and "non consensual". Nothing wrong with being dominating as a long as he/she has total respect for a partners wishes and boundaries. There's nothing consensual about these sex games.

Snowy2022 · 20/07/2023 21:28

Yes, therapy to to help you recover from this and to hopefully give you a chance at being able to enter and enjoy a happy relationship with the next partner.These things have a nasty way of stealing your future life from you and turn you into a joyless woman.

What he did was dreadful, hurtful, abusive and designed to leave you feeling empty, worthless and confused and if not careful, ruined for the rest of your life.

To think someone of 7 years would do this can even be the beginning of you self-sabotaging future relationships at mark 4/5/6 years. Don't leave this unresolved with help from a wise friend or therapist. I think you said you don't have friends/ friends nearby. so therapist then.

DoubleTime · 20/07/2023 21:36

You are probably still in shock from this at the moment, OP. You don't understand the why's right now, but why would you, you are still processing what sounds like sexual harassment. You felt unsafe, you asked him for help, and he ignored that cry for help, encouraged the situation even.
Its awful that he could do that to you, but actions speak louder than words every time and I always think that if a person doesn't care about your safety and well-being, then they really don't care about you at all.

MsDogLady · 20/07/2023 21:41

You’re right about that, @Sandra1984.

In my question I was using ‘dominating’ to refer to his manipulative, punitive responses to @Confused1096 when she expresses her opinions in their day to day life. He calls her names and leaves for days.

jelly79 · 20/07/2023 22:08

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:46

@Tomateen i couldn’t leave the bar, I couldn’t leave the car, I couldn’t walk away. I was consistently sandwiched between them. My DP was telling me I was fine, not to make a fuss, that I was ok.

Read this back OP

this is abuse and your DP was a part of it

momonpurpose · 21/07/2023 01:04

Confused1096 · 20/07/2023 18:56

I now fully believe I would have been expected to sleep with that other man. My partner was telling me “all the woman” wanted him and that he has a big d*. Almost like he was trying to sell the idea to me

Dear God it gets worse. Please please get out. There are wonderful men out there who will cherish you and never ever even think k to share you. You deserve so much more. None of this is your fault

Original poster
Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:03

Update. I’ve come home from work and my dp has asked if I would be willing to go away for a long weekend just me him and the husband, with “no distractions”. He is pushing it yet again.

I’m looking at hotels to go to for this weekend until I can find somewhere to live. This is the final straw for me

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 21/07/2023 21:26

Your partner either wants a threesome with this other man, in their weird relationship. Or he is pimping you and probably wants to watch. Either way, they are a disgusting couple of sleazeballs. Your partner sounded pretty nasty anyway.

You’ve made the only possible decision. Best of luck in your new life without them. You have every chance of meeting good normal people and finding a better relationship.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:31

I’m veering towards pimping me out. Heartbroken but no longer confused

OP posts:
Debini · 21/07/2023 21:33

This is not normal behaviour, please find somewhere safe to go. Is there any chance this man could turn up at your house?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:34

@Debini the other man?

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 21/07/2023 21:34

O P, let this be the push that makes you end things with him for good. He is a disgusting pervert and so is his horrible friend. Leave asap and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

Bananabedhead · 21/07/2023 21:36

If you have no kids and your own money can you make a clean quick break? I think he will try to talk you round if you drag it out. Promise he didn't mean it like that, wouldn't do that etc , make you doubt yourself. But don't, you know what happened and you've written it here if you ever start to second guess. Go as soon as you can or his friend may come for a 'visit'

Debini · 21/07/2023 21:36

Yes the other man. Is there any chance he could turn up?

Original poster
Confused1096 · 21/07/2023 21:39

He can’t turn up tonight. And I won’t be coming back here other than to collect my things.

there are no kids involved and I have my own money. I need to find somewhere to live ASAP. I’ve organised a hotel for the next 3 nites to buy myself sometime

OP posts: