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Original poster

Other man

210 replies

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 19:04

Nc for this post.

myself and dp booked a holiday abroad where we were meeting another couple he’s been friends with for 30 years. They are all in their 50’s, I’m late 30’s. I had met other couple twice prior to our trip.

I was really looking forward to this holiday of a lifetime, totally different to anywhere we have visited before. I had a great time but I’m home a week and very confused.

It was evident the other couples marriage was not in a good place. The wife was telling me how she wanted to leave him and that they hadn’t been working for a long time. The husband was flirting with any chance he could.

I spoke to my dp about what was happening wen we were alone. He said the husband hadn’t been happy for a long time and they were no longer having sex. My dp encouraged me to flirt back with the husband give him a bit of an ego boost. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I feel my dp had given the husband the green light to up his flirting (obv a conversation they had wen they were alone).

This man was relentless, was beside me as often as he could be, staring, discreetly touching my hand, my neck, my legs. Every nite wen dp and I went to bed he would ask if his friend had done or said anything that nite. He seemed to get turned on the more this guy tried it on with me. He asked me to talk to him about wot would happen if the scenario were to arise if the other man and I were to sleep together, like dirty chat. But other nites he would get extremely jealous and ask me to sleep away from him.

I never encouraged the husband or reciprocated any of the flirting/touching, I almost just pretended it wasn’t happening.

I am now home and extremely jet lagged, back to normal life, back to work. Im confused, it’s worse at nite wen I can’t sleep. I find myself looking over our holiday pictures and trying to piece the days/nites together. I have found myself thinking about this other man… he is not someone I would ever look at twice even as a single woman. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or merely trying to process Wots happened.

please be kind

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:53

@IWasFunBeforeMum my dp told me it was fine and not to make a fuss. He made me think his friend was doing nothing wrong, that I was just making him feel better as he was in a sexless marriage. That it was just a bit of harmless fun

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 19/07/2023 20:58

Not harmless when you're being pawed when you don't want to be though.
So, I'd be thinking his assessment of harmless doesn't really include your dignity, consent or preferences so .. only harmless for the icky older guy itching to escape his marriage and taste the wares he could be sampling if he took the plunge.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/07/2023 21:00

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:53

@IWasFunBeforeMum my dp told me it was fine and not to make a fuss. He made me think his friend was doing nothing wrong, that I was just making him feel better as he was in a sexless marriage. That it was just a bit of harmless fun

So because he says it, it’s true?

You know none of that is true.

We’re all also telling you it’s not true.

Please get away from this man you’re calling your ‘partner’.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/07/2023 21:06

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 20:53

@IWasFunBeforeMum my dp told me it was fine and not to make a fuss. He made me think his friend was doing nothing wrong, that I was just making him feel better as he was in a sexless marriage. That it was just a bit of harmless fun

Look up the meaning of "gaslighting".

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 21:15

At the time I knew I couldn’t leave. If I made a fuss it would make the rest of the holiday unbearable. I was maybe in the wrong but I allowed it to happen, I took the easy way out.

on our last night we took a dip in the private pool late at night just the three of us and my dp told me not to talk to him. To give this man the last attention he would get. I tried to avoid him but he was following me around wherever I moved. I called for my partner several times and he ignored me. I left in the end to be called stupid and told I was ruining the night.

I fully believe this was planned by them they would discuss it beforehand and I wasn’t party to what would happen that night I was just expected to do what they wanted.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 19/07/2023 21:32

That is completely fucked up and now you are back you need to tell your husband under NO circumstances does he treat you like that ever again. It's dirty, it's like he was trying to prostitute you out to his desperately sad mate.
Personally that would be the end of my marriage but if you do stay you have to set boundaries now!

gonetogreece · 19/07/2023 21:32

arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2023 19:35

Oh op. You need to run as far and as fast away from BOTH these disgusting men.

Agree. So fucked up.

5128gap · 19/07/2023 21:37

You're being treated as a plaything by two dirty old men OP. Neither of then respect you as a person. You're the posession of one to be shown off about to the other. The human equivalent of 'You can take the new beemer for a spin round the block if you like mate.' Honestly, you are worth so much more than this.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 21:42

@5128gap i hadn’t thought of it like that! But when u say it like that it makes sense! I honestly think that last night if I had played along they would have taken things further. Almost like they seen it as their last chance for more to happen. I feel worthless

OP posts:
Tresto · 19/07/2023 21:53

You aren’t worthless and this is not your shame. These two dickheads were up to something. Honestly you need to look carefully and think about your partners previous and current behaviour. You may have ignored stuff previously but you have had your eyes opened and he’s not a good guy.

5128gap · 19/07/2023 21:53

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 21:42

@5128gap i hadn’t thought of it like that! But when u say it like that it makes sense! I honestly think that last night if I had played along they would have taken things further. Almost like they seen it as their last chance for more to happen. I feel worthless

Just because two dirty old men lack the capacity to value a woman as a human being, doesn't mean you are worthless. This is not about your value, it's about their weird toxic relationship with each other. I'm so sorry for you that of all the men in the world you had to encounter a pair like this. It is they who are worthless.

meditated · 19/07/2023 22:03

Well done for coming on here and sharing the feelings + thoughts you have about all this. When you're in a situation it can be extremely hard to see what objectively is happening.

My advice is:
•Speak to a real life friend/ relative straight away

•Plan to leave. As I understand you are not married, no kids, and you're financially independent.

•Leave. And as fast as you're ready. Do not confront - you'll be told a bunch of lies and false promises.

Believe me and everyone on here - you need to leave this relationship. Do not second guess yourself.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 19/07/2023 22:11

Ocuh, think your "D" P is a swinger . He basically pimped you out. Why didnt you tell him firmly that you didnt want to flirt with an old fart? Its an abusive relationship and you need to leave

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:12

@meditated i don’t have any rl friends left, they have all walked away due to how he has treated me in the past. I only have workmates and I’m the boss so wouldn’t be appropriate. That’s why I came here

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 19/07/2023 22:13

It’s not harmless to be pimped out to a sexually frustrated old perv - your partner should love and cherish you not make plans with his friend for him to “have a go”
You did nothing wrong , your P and his friend are in the wrong .. it sounds to me as though you’ve already been “offered “ to his friend .. this is not a living relationship but one where you are being viewed as a piece of meat .
please speak to a trusted friend of relative and arrange to get yourself away from this .

Rockschooldropout · 19/07/2023 22:14

Loving *

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:14

@PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling if he is a swinger I’ve never had any inclination of this before. Our sex life wouldn’t set the world on fire, he doesn’t last very long.

plus he claims his wife cheated on him which caused them to breakup so I don’t know why he was offering me out like a cheap toy

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 19/07/2023 22:14

Cross posted - what about family ?

PimpMyFridge · 19/07/2023 22:15

Just because they treated you as worthless doesn't mean you are.
Your reality isn't based on their valueless opinion.
They called you stupid and accused you of ruining the night. In reality that applies to them.
Stop giving their point of view a weight it doesn't deserve, drop the rope. They can't make you care about their shitty little games if you don't.

You hold your head up high and ask yourself why you'd be running after him when he deliberately avoids you to punish you for this. He's a bully.
Let him avoid you... Forever.

meditated · 19/07/2023 22:15

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:12

@meditated i don’t have any rl friends left, they have all walked away due to how he has treated me in the past. I only have workmates and I’m the boss so wouldn’t be appropriate. That’s why I came here

Ok. No worries.
First decide to leave and then plan in little steps. After seven years I'm sure it's not going to be easy. But you can absolutely do this.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:16

@Rockschooldropout unfortunately none either. Both parents died when I was in my early 20s and no siblings

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 19/07/2023 22:16

Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:12

@meditated i don’t have any rl friends left, they have all walked away due to how he has treated me in the past. I only have workmates and I’m the boss so wouldn’t be appropriate. That’s why I came here

You've lost friends because of this guy!? And stick with him!?
This is so messed up.

Original poster
Confused1096 · 19/07/2023 22:19

I’m starting to think this is definitely on him and his short fallings. Him and his friend definitely planned this and were hoping I would just go with it. I’m glad I walked away before it went any further

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 19/07/2023 22:19

@Confused1096 I’m so sorry to hear that and sorry you’ve lost friends because of this awful man . Please don’t feel that you have to stay in this situation for fear of being alone

Jongleterre · 19/07/2023 22:20

A loving partner does not do this -

'My dp encouraged me to flirt back'

The two men fancy a tag team/spit roast with you.

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