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Original poster

I paid for sex in the past when should I reveal this to my GF?

183 replies

Changedman · 18/07/2023 06:32

I am 24 years old atm when I was 17/18 years old I paid for sex once(this is how I lost my virginity) I was with an older woman and she proposed me and said I could sleep with her if I gave her some money and out of stupidity I obliged. When I was 18 I paid for sex once after doing some research about the industry I felt disgusted and decided I would never pay for sex again and didn't and again. I know for a fact that the women that I paid aren't being forced or coerced and both did what they did independently and of their own free will but I do understand that It will be a deal breaker for a lot of women and I don't want to be leading people on so can I have some advice on how to conduct myself?

OP posts:
Gamezup · 18/07/2023 06:55

Say nothing. What you did in your private life whilst you were not in any relationship is nobody else's concern.

Locum · 18/07/2023 06:59

Definitely don't tell her. Forgive yourself, and move on. As long as you aren't doing it now, then there is absolutely no reason to and you may damage a good relationship.

AnotherCountryMummy · 18/07/2023 06:59

Keep your mouth shut. You've learnt the error of your ways and won't do it again. You don't have to reveal everything you've ever done.

Divebar2021 · 18/07/2023 07:00

I’ve been in a situation where a boyfriend told me that he had used prostitutes. I don’t know why he told me and it left me incredibly conflicted at the time. Why would you be telling them? Why is it necessary ? You may of course choose to answer honestly if they ever ask you the question but I wouldnt go around volunteering it if it’s something you have put in the past.

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:01

you know what I was thinking about doing this but after reading through this site I have seen that a lot of women find it repulsive and would probably end the relationship I don't want to constantly have a guard up with my SO worrying about if my secret is going to come out

OP posts:
BrokenButNotFinished · 18/07/2023 07:01

No one is entitled to a breakdown of your past when you start seeing them. No matter what it looks like, it’s always going to throw up problems for some people. The most important things imo are whether you’re clean (stds) and whether you would do it again. If the answer to the latter is no, then reconcile yourself to your mistakes and never think of them again. If the former is a concern, get yourself down the sexual health clinic and sort yourself out.

Does anyone else know? If not, keep it that way. And for the love of god, don’t decide to ‘fess up several years into a relationship because you’re still trying to forgive yourself. I can see the Mumsnet header now…

chantrymothe · 18/07/2023 07:01

Yeah I'm pretty sure I've read 2+ threads on this from the girlfriend's perspective... OP, what are you looking for on here?

curtainnetblind · 18/07/2023 07:03

I would admit to sleeping with the older woman bit but not the for money bit.

Incognito2023 · 18/07/2023 07:04

No need to tell GF - or anyone else- it’s in the past.
Unless you have already told someone and there’s a chance you can’t trust them. How would they find out? Forgive yourself, and forget it

dudsville · 18/07/2023 07:07

It sounds like you can put this down to the stupidity of youth, it's something that with reflection and the wisdom of a few more years has helped you to see more clearly. Personally if I'd been told it this way i would be sympathetic. But yes, i would also be appalled, and as you're still young i would be keeping a wary eye for other red flags.

birdsongismyfave · 18/07/2023 07:10

After my ex paid for sec it affected my health such as my ability to give blood.

Jk987 · 18/07/2023 07:13

curtainnetblind · 18/07/2023 07:03

I would admit to sleeping with the older woman bit but not the for money bit.

There's nothing to admit then! Unless his girlfriend thinks he hasn't had a sex life before meeting him!

PurpleGreenandWhiteAreTheNewPrimaryColours · 18/07/2023 07:16

You're not obliged to tell a partner everything you ever did.
I had a kleptomania phase as a teenager, does my partner know I was a their? No and we've been together 13 years.

Keep it to yourself

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:16

tbh im abit suprised with the response that I am getting and ive always felt a bit guilty even though its something ive left in the past and grown from because I knoww some people would be disgusted by it but I will keep it to myself unless I am directly asked

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 18/07/2023 07:17

I'm pretty sure this is the third thread I've read now on a similar topic!

Was the woman actually a prostitute? What were the circumstances around it?

JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 07:18

I strongly disagree with the "don't tell" answers above.

The correct time to mention it is before things get serious enough that you could use the word "girlfriend". Given that you have come to a conclusion of being disgusted and resolving never to do it again it is unlikely to be a dealbreaker but keeping it a secret definitely would be for me.

LightSpeeds · 18/07/2023 07:18

Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:01

you know what I was thinking about doing this but after reading through this site I have seen that a lot of women find it repulsive and would probably end the relationship I don't want to constantly have a guard up with my SO worrying about if my secret is going to come out

How would this secret 'come out'?

curtainnetblind · 18/07/2023 07:24

Jk987 · 18/07/2023 07:13

There's nothing to admit then! Unless his girlfriend thinks he hasn't had a sex life before meeting him!

Show quote history

I meant not pretending he is a virgin if this is his only sexual encounter. We all make stupid decisions especially as teens. I was suggesting claiming yes he had sex, up to him how much beyond that he wants to talk about. And some men are virgins beyond 20 and so may not have had a sex life before they met their partner.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/07/2023 07:25

Say nothing ! The past is in the past
i don’t tell people the shit I got up to

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:33

GreyCarpet · 18/07/2023 07:17

I'm pretty sure this is the third thread I've read now on a similar topic!

Was the woman actually a prostitute? What were the circumstances around it?

I don't know tbh the act was prostitution but does that make her a prostitute

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:35

JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 07:18

I strongly disagree with the "don't tell" answers above.

The correct time to mention it is before things get serious enough that you could use the word "girlfriend". Given that you have come to a conclusion of being disgusted and resolving never to do it again it is unlikely to be a dealbreaker but keeping it a secret definitely would be for me.

okay so how would I go about actually telling her I don't want to go into gory details but would like to let her know

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 18/07/2023 07:42

Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:33

I don't know tbh the act was prostitution but does that make her a prostitute

Show quote history

I suppose what I meant was, did you seek her out because you were looking for a prostitute or was it an arrangement you came to with someone you already knew where she figured she might as well get something out of having sex with a 17 yo virgin?

GreyCarpet · 18/07/2023 07:42

Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:33

I don't know tbh the act was prostitution but does that make her a prostitute

Show quote history

I suppose what I meant was, did you seek her out because you were looking for a prostitute or was it an arrangement you came to with someone you already knew where she figured she might as well get something out of having sex with a 17 yo virgin?

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:47

GreyCarpet · 18/07/2023 07:42

I suppose what I meant was, did you seek her out because you were looking for a prostitute or was it an arrangement you came to with someone you already knew where she figured she might as well get something out of having sex with a 17 yo virgin?

Show quote history

when I met her I didn't expect to be losing my virginity that day I met up with her and she proposed me caught me off guard tbh but I said in my head I might aswell get rid of my virginity because that was my intentions talking to her anyways

OP posts:
Replacethelightbulb · 18/07/2023 07:50

JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 07:18

I strongly disagree with the "don't tell" answers above.

The correct time to mention it is before things get serious enough that you could use the word "girlfriend". Given that you have come to a conclusion of being disgusted and resolving never to do it again it is unlikely to be a dealbreaker but keeping it a secret definitely would be for me.

I completely agree. I think if you're in a committed, serious relationship, you don't have secrets, especially ones that nag away at you. If I was in a serious relationship or married to someone who kept an important part of their sexual history from me, I'd be pretty gutted. I wouldn't care about what had happened in the past but I would care that my partner didn't trust me enough to tell me. Everyone's different but for me, I don't like secrets.