I paid for sex in the past when should I reveal this to my GF?

[Changedman]

I am 24 years old atm when I was 17/18 years old I paid for sex once(this is how I lost my virginity) I was with an older woman and she proposed me and said I could sleep with her if I gave her some money and out of stupidity I obliged. When I was 18 I paid for sex once after doing some research about the industry I felt disgusted and decided I would never pay for sex again and didn't and again. I know for a fact that the women that I paid aren't being forced or coerced and both did what they did independently and of their own free will but I do understand that It will be a deal breaker for a lot of women and I don't want to be leading people on so can I have some advice on how to conduct myself?

I cannot understand why you feel the need to tell anyone, what my DH got up to before I knew/met him is of no interest to me & none of my business & vice versa. Just forget it as it’s really no big deal anyway

Tbh, I wouldn't continue a relatipnship with someone who used prostitutes or had used one in the past. I wouldnt want to be with someone who viewed women/sex in that way.

But if it was just a private arrangement between the two of you and you've reflected on it and would never do it again, I don't think you need to say anything.

I'm twice your age and have been with my partner for 2 years. He and I haven't shared anything of our sexual history. I don't feel the need to tell him anything and I don't expect him to either.

if your current partner revealed he had tried it once at 17 realistically would you end things if he regretted it and wouldn't do it again

I would be mightily put off by a man who had paid for sex and am not the only one on this site so you are right that plenty of women would find this a deal breaker.

However. I'm now in my 30s and for me, this could come under the umbrella of 'stupid things done as a teenager' if you are certain it is not something you wish to repeat in any form. If the relationship was going well, I would actually prefer not to know as it would put me in an awkward position regarding my own beliefs and preferences. I know that sounds a bit contradictory and I am not suggesting the best overall policy is to hide things your partner will not like. However, this is far in the past and I think it is both forgivable and probably the best approach to keep this to yourself.

If you were older or this was done over a longer period, or you had not come to your own conclusion that it was not something you wanted to do again then I would feel differently but we all make big mistakes as teenagers.

If you feel guilty about paying for sex, and it was only the one time, you need to sort this out for yourself. It doesn't sound like telling or not telling is going to absolve your guilt

Forgivable to keep it to yourself in these circs I meant. That was badly expressed. Not saying I would be happy to move past it if I was told.

Hold up, did you do it once, or twice? Your OP reads as though you did it once to lose your V plates and again a bit later on?

Agree entirely with this.

OP, you're right there are lots of threads on here rightly condemning partners who have been discovered using sex workers. However these are grown men with wives, jobs, responsibilities and a long sexual history who should have developed their own sense of self enough to have enough respect for their partner and all women to never do this. A stupid mistake as a 17 year old desperate to lose their virginity is very, very different. Arguably in some ways you were exploited by the more mature and experienced individual who knew they could probably get something out of you.

In this instance, if I were your gf, I would definitely rather not know and it's just a really stupid thing that happened as a teenager and will never happen again now you're a grown man.

Don’t tell her, you’ll give her the ick.
You don’t have to tell each other every single detail of your past. It’s not her job to relieve you of a guilty conscience.
If you are the kind of person who wants to tell your partner everything and go over the details to get so sort of emotional support then go for it. But don’t be surprised if she isn’t romantically interested afterwards.

How do you know it wouldn't be a deal-breaker? You can argue that if it's a deal-breaker, it's probably not the right relationship, but people can be quick to judge when they're not yet sufficiently emotionally invested. But no one knows the cascade of thinking that leads one to doing stupid shit when young.

You're not the first person who's done this and you probably won't be the last. I knew a chap once who paid for sex with a prostitute whilst on a post exams lads' trip round major European cities. Middle of the AIDS epidemic, so arguably an extra risk factor. It was all jolly japes until his family somehow found out and then everyone denied it had happened. Thing is, he's now a man in his 50s, maybe married with teenage children and a career. Once that information is out there, you can't control where it goes.

You were very young, you regret it. Forgive yourself and move on. You don't need to tell her. My DH doesn't know the details of what I got up to at 17. It's my business.

yh once to lose my virginity and then did it again a couple months later because with an influencer that I heard rumours about what her profession was

This ^.

You made a foolish choice and haven't done it since.

Stop beating yourself up about it and move on.

If it was a one (or two) time thing, not a pattern of behaviour, and you regret it and plan to never do it again then just try to forget about it. I don't know details of my DH's past and he doesn't know the details of mine, there's no need.

The point is, some people wouldn't want to know - some would, as you can see on this thread.

I would want to know. I also would not continue the relationship. I accept it was a youthful error, but regardless, wouldn't be for me.

I think you can only base it on the type of woman you meet - gauge whether having secrets is ok or not, and whether she'd like to know. It's difficult, I know - for me, honesty is paramount.

@Changedman

i am astounded at the replies you've had. Maybe it's the time of day?

There are some things, that whilst in your past, I think should be disclosed in a relationship & this is one of them.

i think at the point it gets serious you need to say you've done a couple of things you regret & want to tell her so there aren't any secrets between you.

just explain the first time as you have here. (That older woman shouldn't have done what she did to a kid, it's immoral). Did you think it was a 'relationship' if not, why were you with her that night?

i don't think a lot of young lads would turn down the iffer of sex in that situation.

no idea about the second as not much detail, but you were a teenager and they do impulsive/stupid things.

I wouldn't hold it against you IF you have genuinely thought about it & wouldn't do it now.

Your past history is only yours to share if you want to, you're not obliged to share just as of your GF had multiple partners she does not have to divulge this to you.
I would advise that you get tested to ensure you are safe just as you should when embarking on new relationships.

I definitely didn't think it was a relationship I went to go and do other stuff didn't expect to be having sex the second time I spoke to a girl who I found out had a sugar daddy she was sleeping with so I initiated it and it happened

I had similar with my ex husband. I wish I hadn't know about it.

Honesty in a relationship doesn't mean you have to tell your partner about everything you did before you met them.
Our sexual histories our our own private concerns.
If you have an STD or similar - especially something you could still give a partner then 100,% you need to tell them.
Personally, even if my partner had subsequently realised why paying for sex might be repulsive to later partners I would prefer not to know.

I wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't want to know.

I do wonder how all these women saying "don't ever tell her!" would feel if they found out one day that their husbands had paid for a woman's body and kept it from them for their entire relationship on the advice of people on the internet. Given some of the posts on here where women have discovered that or similar and been absolutely devastated by it, I suspect not as flippant as they're being when it's not their spouse who has purchased a human vagina.

I'd want to know because I'd want to leave. I couldn't be with someone who had ever thought it was ok to treat a woman like hole vending machine, not once but twice. The "foolishness of youth" doesn't really cut it as a valid excuse for me.

out of curiosity would you feel the same way about strip clubs. And also what is a good way to decipher wether someone would accept it without actually having to disclose my own past so I can stop wasting their time and leave for myself

Yes I would. I disagree with the exploitation of women on a fundamental moral level, and it astounds me that this is seen as a controversial view in some circles.

I have zero interest in being the "cool wife" who is ok with strip clubs and prostitution and other "industries" that harm and exploit vulnerable women. And I'm repulsed by men who think they're ok. Repulsed. I'd rather bathe in the contents of a night club sceptic tank than be in a relationship with a man who had ever, ever treated a female body as a purchasable commodity.

Honestly I don't think you need to disclose anything about your sexual history unless it's about incurable STIs.

Where there's a grey area is those men that use prostitutes while in a relationship. And of course they're not likely to come clean about it!