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Original poster

I paid for sex in the past when should I reveal this to my GF?

183 replies

Changedman · 18/07/2023 06:32

I am 24 years old atm when I was 17/18 years old I paid for sex once(this is how I lost my virginity) I was with an older woman and she proposed me and said I could sleep with her if I gave her some money and out of stupidity I obliged. When I was 18 I paid for sex once after doing some research about the industry I felt disgusted and decided I would never pay for sex again and didn't and again. I know for a fact that the women that I paid aren't being forced or coerced and both did what they did independently and of their own free will but I do understand that It will be a deal breaker for a lot of women and I don't want to be leading people on so can I have some advice on how to conduct myself?

OP posts:
WellThisWentWell · 18/07/2023 10:55

Going againts the grain here.
I do believe a woman dating a man has, well not exactly a right, but should know if she’s dating a man who has paid for sex.
That tells what the man’s attitude towards women is and no woman should be with a man like that.

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 10:56

VeridicalVagabond · 18/07/2023 10:51

Yes I would. I disagree with the exploitation of women on a fundamental moral level, and it astounds me that this is seen as a controversial view in some circles.

I have zero interest in being the "cool wife" who is ok with strip clubs and prostitution and other "industries" that harm and exploit vulnerable women. And I'm repulsed by men who think they're ok. Repulsed. I'd rather bathe in the contents of a night club sceptic tank than be in a relationship with a man who had ever, ever treated a female body as a purchasable commodity.

Show quote history

oh okay this makes bit more sense then

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 18/07/2023 10:56

I wouldn't mention it tbh. What anyone dies in their past is their past

primoseyellow · 18/07/2023 10:57

I wouldn't feel disgusted that a man had slept with prostitutes, it depends on circumstances. There are worse thing I would have an issue with.

Aria2015 · 18/07/2023 11:00

Don't say anything. As long as it's in the past and you've got zero urge to do it again, just put it in your 'bad experiences' bin. We've all done things we're not proud of, especially at that age. You do sooooo much growing up between your teens and mid twenties. You're not the same person. Don't muddy the waters of a new relationship by dredging up the past. You can't unring a bell, so just put it in the past where it belongs and move on knowing you've grown as a person.

aSofaNearYou · 18/07/2023 11:10

Unless you have friends or family that are likely to mention it to her, I wouldn't.

I'm against it and do find it repulsive, strip clubs too (more so if anything) but if someone had done either of those things years ago when not with me, learnt the error of their ways and wasn't going to do it again, honestly it wouldn't stop me from dating them, it would just give me mental images I'd prefer not to have. Leave it in the past, lots of people have done shit things in the past.

thebestyoucanhopefor · 18/07/2023 11:29

Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:16

tbh im abit suprised with the response that I am getting and ive always felt a bit guilty even though its something ive left in the past and grown from because I knoww some people would be disgusted by it but I will keep it to myself unless I am directly asked

Don't even tell her if you're directly asked. It's nothing to do with her.

I've been with my husband for 30 years. When we met he asked me how many partners I'd had previously and I told him it was none of his business.

He accepted that and we never discussed it again!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 11:32

Changedman · 18/07/2023 06:32

I am 24 years old atm when I was 17/18 years old I paid for sex once(this is how I lost my virginity) I was with an older woman and she proposed me and said I could sleep with her if I gave her some money and out of stupidity I obliged. When I was 18 I paid for sex once after doing some research about the industry I felt disgusted and decided I would never pay for sex again and didn't and again. I know for a fact that the women that I paid aren't being forced or coerced and both did what they did independently and of their own free will but I do understand that It will be a deal breaker for a lot of women and I don't want to be leading people on so can I have some advice on how to conduct myself?

As long as you have a clean sti record there's no need to tell anyone.

If someone directly asks (unlikely but possible in I have never) I would just say I don't feel comfortable either of us knowing about each others sex lives before we met that's just a recipe for jealousy etc- I wouldn't lie but I would have a boundary about answering those questions. Men have asked me 'taboo' things eg if I've had a one night stand or threesome before and I've given a similar answer

mrstiggytinkle · 18/07/2023 11:34

JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 07:18

I strongly disagree with the "don't tell" answers above.

The correct time to mention it is before things get serious enough that you could use the word "girlfriend". Given that you have come to a conclusion of being disgusted and resolving never to do it again it is unlikely to be a dealbreaker but keeping it a secret definitely would be for me.

I agree

I think it is important. Speaking from experience. If she has any way of finding out some time into the relationship you have to find a way to tell her.

I don't think it's the same as fessing up numbers etc. it is a massive deal breaker for many women. Even once. And so she has the right to know.

Sorry.

BuffyTheCat · 18/07/2023 11:52

I don’t agree with those who say it’s in the past and nobody else’s business.

I would expect a partner to tell me all kinds of significant things about his past, not on the first date of course, but certainly after a few months. I get to decide whether I continue a relationship with someone who, in the past, has paid for sex, been declared bankrupt, served time, had an affair, taken drugs, or anything else I might consider a deal breaker.

It’s incredibly dishonest to portray yourself as someone you’re not. You need to respect your girlfriend’s boundaries, even if you don’t know what they are yet. If she decides she’s ok with it then good. But if she’s not ok with it, she should be able to make that decision herself instead of you deciding for her, by withholding information.

aSofaNearYou · 18/07/2023 12:09

BuffyTheCat · 18/07/2023 11:52

I don’t agree with those who say it’s in the past and nobody else’s business.

I would expect a partner to tell me all kinds of significant things about his past, not on the first date of course, but certainly after a few months. I get to decide whether I continue a relationship with someone who, in the past, has paid for sex, been declared bankrupt, served time, had an affair, taken drugs, or anything else I might consider a deal breaker.

It’s incredibly dishonest to portray yourself as someone you’re not. You need to respect your girlfriend’s boundaries, even if you don’t know what they are yet. If she decides she’s ok with it then good. But if she’s not ok with it, she should be able to make that decision herself instead of you deciding for her, by withholding information.

I think there are far too many things that an individual might consider a dealbreaker to be able to check them all off the list. Broadly speaking, if it has zero impact on your relationship, I think the onus is on the person with the dealbreaker to ask if the other person has ever done that thing, rather than for the other person to go through a long list of every bad thing they've ever done to check if that's a dealbreaker.

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 12:34

BuffyTheCat · 18/07/2023 11:52

I don’t agree with those who say it’s in the past and nobody else’s business.

I would expect a partner to tell me all kinds of significant things about his past, not on the first date of course, but certainly after a few months. I get to decide whether I continue a relationship with someone who, in the past, has paid for sex, been declared bankrupt, served time, had an affair, taken drugs, or anything else I might consider a deal breaker.

It’s incredibly dishonest to portray yourself as someone you’re not. You need to respect your girlfriend’s boundaries, even if you don’t know what they are yet. If she decides she’s ok with it then good. But if she’s not ok with it, she should be able to make that decision herself instead of you deciding for her, by withholding information.

I do genuinely understand this but how should I go about it and what's the best approach

OP posts:
farminghtelacn · 18/07/2023 12:37

I would personally find this easy to forgive due to your age I would put it down to dumb teenager. I would appreciate transparency but only if it came up. I wouldn't want you to choose to tell me but I also wouldn't want you to lie to conceal it.

hugefanofcheese · 18/07/2023 12:40

In my view this is all a bit grey since aside from his very young age, an older person was soliciting paid sex with a 17-18 year old. That murkiness suggests to me that the OP was not entirely an exploiter of women and he may deserve a second chance since once he confesses to his GF, he has no control over the information that he paid for sex. I'm not so sure about the influencer part and it would be interesting to hear from OP what exactly led to his reflection and renunciation of paying for sex.

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 12:55

hugefanofcheese · 18/07/2023 12:40

In my view this is all a bit grey since aside from his very young age, an older person was soliciting paid sex with a 17-18 year old. That murkiness suggests to me that the OP was not entirely an exploiter of women and he may deserve a second chance since once he confesses to his GF, he has no control over the information that he paid for sex. I'm not so sure about the influencer part and it would be interesting to hear from OP what exactly led to his reflection and renunciation of paying for sex.

to be honest the reason why I reflected is because I wasn't actually after sex I was after intimacy and I didn't want it to become a habit and something that I fall back on when feeling stressed and also I know if I had continued I would have 100% come across a woman who was being exploited thankfully that wasn't the case with me.

OP posts:
BuffyTheCat · 18/07/2023 12:56

Changedman Depending on how long you’ve been going out with her, it’s probably a good idea to have a serious conversation about whether there’s anything in your past or hers that could become a stumbling block to the relationship progressing. I wouldn’t have this kind of conversation in the first few weeks, but maybe from about 4-6 months.

Have you thought about what your deal breakers might be? Would you leave the relationship if your girlfriend had ever done time, taken drugs, sold sex etc?

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 13:20

BuffyTheCat · 18/07/2023 12:56

Changedman Depending on how long you’ve been going out with her, it’s probably a good idea to have a serious conversation about whether there’s anything in your past or hers that could become a stumbling block to the relationship progressing. I wouldn’t have this kind of conversation in the first few weeks, but maybe from about 4-6 months.

Have you thought about what your deal breakers might be? Would you leave the relationship if your girlfriend had ever done time, taken drugs, sold sex etc?

my only dealbreakers is someone who had a bad habit or pattern of behaviour of anything of the above like taking drugs and selling sex. I wouldn't mind if my SO had a sugar daddy in the past she slept with although I would rather not find out and I same with drugs. Me personally im more of a past in the past type person as I don't want to become jealous

OP posts:
JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 16:17

Changedman · 18/07/2023 07:35

okay so how would I go about actually telling her I don't want to go into gory details but would like to let her know

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I think that when things have advanced in your relationship that you will consider each other girlfriend/boyfriend you say "There's one thing in my past that I am ashamed of, and I wouldn't go telling people generally, but if it's possible our relationship might get really serious then I really don't want it to be a secret that comes out when we've been together for ages, as I don't want you to feel hurt that I kept it from you"

Different women do have different attitudes to this. TBH the ones that are more "accepting" are probably the ones who have been more deeply damaged themselves by the patriarchal sexist culture that defines women's bodies as a comodity that is primarily intended for the benefit of men.

Paying for sex is a form of coersion and abuse. The absolute minimum threshold level for consent to be valid is that it is enthusiastic, unforced and without any kind of emotional, physical or material consequences beyond the act in and of itself being enjoyed by both participants for its own sake. Paying for sex may not under criminal code be the same thing as rape, but ethically it's in the same category. However, the teenage you was ignorant of this, and had been brought up in the toxic patriarchal world of sexist entitlement that gave you the message that this was an OK thing to do. You know better now. Live up to your better knowledge henceforth.

Bookworm20 · 18/07/2023 16:56

JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 07:18

I strongly disagree with the "don't tell" answers above.

The correct time to mention it is before things get serious enough that you could use the word "girlfriend". Given that you have come to a conclusion of being disgusted and resolving never to do it again it is unlikely to be a dealbreaker but keeping it a secret definitely would be for me.

This.

I don't agree with not telling her. Its not something trivial and if you are planning a possible future with this person she will value honesty over everything else. Not knowing and the possibility of her finding out down the line will likely be the end of the relationship for you. As she would see it as not only you buying sex, but lying to her by omission on something which may well be a deal breaker for her. You need to give her the choice - her needs above yours here.
At least telling her what you've put here, you are doing the decent thing and giving her the choice to process that and decide for herself.

Everyone fucks up from time to time. You were young and you did a bloody stupid things and yes, pretty repulsive. But you say you know they were totally consenting to this and you will never do it again as it disgusted you. Tell her that. It won't undo the fact you paid for sex, but at least you are being honest with the person you love and hopefully she will understand this, process it and respect the fact that you told her.

misssunshine4040 · 18/07/2023 17:12

Your business, no one else's. It's not relevant and it's not something you need to atone for or ruin future relationships over .

Original poster
Changedman · 18/07/2023 17:13

Bookworm20 · 18/07/2023 16:56

This.

I don't agree with not telling her. Its not something trivial and if you are planning a possible future with this person she will value honesty over everything else. Not knowing and the possibility of her finding out down the line will likely be the end of the relationship for you. As she would see it as not only you buying sex, but lying to her by omission on something which may well be a deal breaker for her. You need to give her the choice - her needs above yours here.
At least telling her what you've put here, you are doing the decent thing and giving her the choice to process that and decide for herself.

Everyone fucks up from time to time. You were young and you did a bloody stupid things and yes, pretty repulsive. But you say you know they were totally consenting to this and you will never do it again as it disgusted you. Tell her that. It won't undo the fact you paid for sex, but at least you are being honest with the person you love and hopefully she will understand this, process it and respect the fact that you told her.

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Would me saying I lost my virginity when I was 17 to an older woman who had sex who said she would sleep with me if I gave her money be okay?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 18/07/2023 17:14

I wouldn’t say anything, make up a one night stand that you can barely remember if you’re asked how you lost your virginity. For the record I wouldn’t personally judge someone for that, but I know others would so better to keep it quiet

PTSDBarbiegirl · 18/07/2023 17:15

Never.

BarelyLiterate · 18/07/2023 17:18

Don’t tell her. What you did and who you shagged before you met her is nothing to do with her, and there is no possible benefit to either of you in telling her.
Similarly, what she did and who she shagged before she met you is none of your business, and she is under no obligation to tell you if, for example, she did sex work while she was a student, as so many young women do these days.

Wouldyouguess · 18/07/2023 17:20

Replacethelightbulb · 18/07/2023 07:50

I completely agree. I think if you're in a committed, serious relationship, you don't have secrets, especially ones that nag away at you. If I was in a serious relationship or married to someone who kept an important part of their sexual history from me, I'd be pretty gutted. I wouldn't care about what had happened in the past but I would care that my partner didn't trust me enough to tell me. Everyone's different but for me, I don't like secrets.

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What a strange response. I enver wanted to know how many women any of my exes slept with or who they were. Why is this relevant?