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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner of 10 years pays for hand jobs

267 replies

Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:42

I was sending myself some pics on my partners WhatsApp and saw a random message thread, so yes I clicked. Turns out it’s for a Thai massage lady called Mimi who offers “B2B” which google tells me is basically a happy ending. I’m in total shock. I have confronted him and he admitted it. Said he has only been once but had another one booked in for a few weeks time.

He’s putting the kids to bed and I’m sat in the bedroom in absolute shock. I thought we were happy. We have 2 kids aged 5 and 2. We were discussing trying for a third. I’ve just started a new job. We’re not married, please don’t flame me for this, I can’t take it right now.

What do I do? I need a hand hold. And a hug. I can’t believe this has happened to me. I never thought I’d be here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:44

Also not that it’s relevant but he was going to spend £130 on this service which is money we just don’t have right now. I know there’s bigger fish to fry with this whole situation but that’s made me really fucking angry.

OP posts:
Callyem · 15/07/2023 18:45

Did he say WHY?

Its a strange one. If I'm honest - it wouldn't be a break up for me at this stage. I'd want to talk it out, try to understand the motivation and be entirely reassured by him that it would NEVER happen again.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 18:46

Callyem · 15/07/2023 18:45

Did he say WHY?

Its a strange one. If I'm honest - it wouldn't be a break up for me at this stage. I'd want to talk it out, try to understand the motivation and be entirely reassured by him that it would NEVER happen again.

Fk you have low standards.

Btw there is no why sufficient for using prostitutes for sexual services behind your partner's back and spending significant family money on it.

Chowtime · 15/07/2023 18:47

Apparently, a huge proportion of men in this country are stopping off on their way home from work for a quick cheap hand job or blow job.

Traffickers can't get enough women in quickly enough to satisfy demand.

Farmageddon · 15/07/2023 18:48

He's a selfish arsehole - not only is he cheating on you, but he's likely exploiting a poor immigrant woman for his sexual gratification. Gross.

Also, he will claim to only have been once, but it's unlikely. He may have been doing this and other cheating stuff for a long time. You will never trust him again.

I would find a way to build a life without him. Are you working? Do you have family support?

Original poster
Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:48

He said he was lonely. Which I do get, I feel lonely too. Long story short our eldest is autistic and unable to sleep alone so I’ve slept in the bed with him every night since he was about 2. It’s not ideal at all and not what I imagined before I became a parent. But it’s our circumstances. We still have fairly regular sex (in spare room, living room, etc) and he truly is my partner and best friend. He never said he was unhappy or lonely. But he obviously was. Sorry I’m not making much sense right now!

OP posts:
Callyem · 15/07/2023 18:49

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 18:46

Fk you have low standards.

Btw there is no why sufficient for using prostitutes for sexual services behind your partner's back and spending significant family money on it.

Show quote history

Meh, I'm single so my perspective is skewed by the horrors of online dating! I also hadn't read the money part - I would be more furious at that strangely enough.

Original poster
Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:49

Chowtime · 15/07/2023 18:47

Apparently, a huge proportion of men in this country are stopping off on their way home from work for a quick cheap hand job or blow job.

Traffickers can't get enough women in quickly enough to satisfy demand.

It was exactly this. He did it after a work meeting in the city near where we live and the next date lined up coincided with another meeting in the same place.

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 15/07/2023 18:49

He could have bought a fleshlight and discreetly relieved himself if he didn't want to put a burden on you.

A handjob from a prostitute would lead to other things and risking STD's and is not something I could forgive.

wutheringkites · 15/07/2023 18:50

Op, I'm pretty sure those massages are often a lot more than hand jobs. There's most likely also oral sex involved at a minimum and the woman is normally completely naked.

Original poster
Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:50

I do work but only part time. I do 3 days a week earning 20k. I’ve just started, as in last week. We have a house with a mortgage. I have family nearby, I’m very close with my family and also his.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:51

What does this behaviour tell you about his beliefs regarding women? He thinks sexual consent is something you can purchase without consequence, that women can be sexually exploited and and that it's fine to lie to and deceive your partner, whilst utilising family funds for your own sexual gratification.
That's not a person I'd want to be in a relationship with

quietnightmare · 15/07/2023 18:51

Firstly this is not your fault for not sleeping in separate beds

Do you believe it was only once and a handjob?

Is this something you can forgive?

Do you want to forgive him?

What could make you trust him again?

Do you want to know all the details or not?

These are the kind of questions you need to ask yourself.

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:51

Also for £130 he's getting more than a handjob

HappyMe6 · 15/07/2023 18:52

It would be a deal breaker for me

Chowtime · 15/07/2023 18:52

Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:49

It was exactly this. He did it after a work meeting in the city near where we live and the next date lined up coincided with another meeting in the same place.

Show quote history

Yep. It's terrifyingly common. I think a lot of mumnetters would be shocked. I watched a panarama eposide with an undercover reporter and the traffickers were literally all saying they couldn't ship women over fast enough.🙁

GallaBru · 15/07/2023 18:52

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:51

Also for £130 he's getting more than a handjob

This

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 18:52

10 minute hand jobs off immigrant women solve loneliness .... Who knew.

We should clearly be prescribing them for mental health problems on the NHS.

What an absolute crock of shit.

Heart string pulling , poor me, manipulative crock of shit.

What do people usually do if they're feeling lonely?

Hint, it's not booking hand jobs with prossies.

ZekeZeke · 15/07/2023 18:52

You need to get an STD test ASAP.
Dirty bast*&d.
There is NO excuse. Lonely my hole.
You cannot believe a word out of his mouth OP, not one word.

pendleflyer · 15/07/2023 18:53

Chowtime · 15/07/2023 18:47

Apparently, a huge proportion of men in this country are stopping off on their way home from work for a quick cheap hand job or blow job.

Traffickers can't get enough women in quickly enough to satisfy demand.

>>Apparently, a huge proportion of men in this country are stopping off on their way home from work for a quick cheap hand job or blow job.
do you have a source for this?
If on way home many of these places/pit stops must be in some very innocuous appearing places/towns. Would railway passenger figures shine a light? My innocent mind boggles.

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:53

If you're lonely you talk to your partner, go out with a friend, get a hobby or a dog. You don't purchase sexual services.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 18:53

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:51

What does this behaviour tell you about his beliefs regarding women? He thinks sexual consent is something you can purchase without consequence, that women can be sexually exploited and and that it's fine to lie to and deceive your partner, whilst utilising family funds for your own sexual gratification.
That's not a person I'd want to be in a relationship with

Yep.

This covers just about everything.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/07/2023 18:54

Personally I couldn't come back from my partner using a prostitute. That's really low, worse than cheating to me as we don't agree with prostitution. Not sure there is anything that could be said to make this better. That's for me personally of course, guess it depends on your beliefs and how 'bad' it is.

Original poster
Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:54

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:51

Also for £130 he's getting more than a handjob

Very good point actually.

OP posts:
blahblahblah1654 · 15/07/2023 18:55

For £130 I expect he's getting more than a hand job. It doesn't matter how common it is, it's pretty awful.