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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner of 10 years pays for hand jobs

267 replies

Havanawinter · 15/07/2023 18:42

I was sending myself some pics on my partners WhatsApp and saw a random message thread, so yes I clicked. Turns out it’s for a Thai massage lady called Mimi who offers “B2B” which google tells me is basically a happy ending. I’m in total shock. I have confronted him and he admitted it. Said he has only been once but had another one booked in for a few weeks time.

He’s putting the kids to bed and I’m sat in the bedroom in absolute shock. I thought we were happy. We have 2 kids aged 5 and 2. We were discussing trying for a third. I’ve just started a new job. We’re not married, please don’t flame me for this, I can’t take it right now.

What do I do? I need a hand hold. And a hug. I can’t believe this has happened to me. I never thought I’d be here.

OP posts:
BatheInTheLight · 15/07/2023 20:19

I'm a man and I find it disgusting and repulsive. It's unfaithful, dirty and low. My wife has co-slept with our children for a total of 7 years. I didn't once feel the need to pay anyone to touch my cock. Shit excuse.

Jennybeans401 · 15/07/2023 20:19

Yeah the message from Mimi sounded strange, "are you sure?" Sounds like he's asked gor something that isn't just a hand job.

sqirrelfriends · 15/07/2023 20:23

Chowtime · 15/07/2023 18:47

Apparently, a huge proportion of men in this country are stopping off on their way home from work for a quick cheap hand job or blow job.

Traffickers can't get enough women in quickly enough to satisfy demand.

Jesus, that has to be one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read.

safetyfreak · 15/07/2023 20:24

I agree with the other posters that he was paying for full sex, not just a HJ.

What a dirty pig.

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:26

B2B is a lot more than a hand job.

Budikka · 15/07/2023 20:26

For some reason, what annoys me more on your behalf is the sum involved when you say that money is tight.

My suggestion: ask for the same amount he has spent for YOU to spend on what you like. It could be hiring a male stripper... or it could be a holiday or gifts just for yourself. Surely fair's fair?!?

sqirrelfriends · 15/07/2023 20:27

It’s unforgivable imo.

firstly it’s cheating, secondly he’s contributing to the sex trade which can and does result in woman being trafficked and enslaved. A lot of men like to think of sex work as something that women want to do (and in some cases they do) but the majority is exploitative. If he’s happy to play a part in that then you can defiantly do better.

Suzi89 · 15/07/2023 20:27

A handjob from a prostitute would lead to other things and risking STD's and is not something I could forgive.

You definitely can’t get an STD from a handjob.

JenWillsiam · 15/07/2023 20:28

Suzi89 · 15/07/2023 20:27

A handjob from a prostitute would lead to other things and risking STD's and is not something I could forgive.

You definitely can’t get an STD from a handjob.

It’s going to be more than a hand job.

Psychonabike · 15/07/2023 20:28

This is so fucking common that I have seen reputable masseuse therapists with statements on their websites:

"Male clients by personal recommendation only"
(i.e. women can just book in via the website, men need to be recommended by a partner or someone else already known to the masseuse)

I can only assume that this is because so many men think a happy ending is a totally normal request at the end of a massage. Why else would it be?

I don't even live in an an urban area, where I assume this sort of thing is much worse.

Custardslices · 15/07/2023 20:28

The concern should now be getting yourself a STD check.

Get on entitled to website see what benefit top ups you can get.

Don't talk to him anymore all you'll get is more bullshit to mess with your head. If you never saw these messages it would of happened 10, 20, 30 times who knows but wouldn't of stopped.

Oh and CSA his grubby arse

Jellifulfruit · 15/07/2023 20:29

Sending you so much love and virtual support. This must be a huge blow sideways. Please don’t suffer in silence. Don’t feel ashamed for offloading on an anonymous site, if you’re not ready to speak to friends/family yet ❤️❤️

Chestnutlover · 15/07/2023 20:29

I don’t understand why being lonely would justify doing this. Ok you’re lonely is he happy for you to pay for sex? I call BS
He’s going to make you feel bad about the bed thing and 100 other things. Don’t let him make you feel bad. This isn’t your fault.

TempyBrennan · 15/07/2023 20:30

He’s definitely been more than once - admits to once to think you’ll drop the subject.

Lolalondon2 · 15/07/2023 20:34

He maybe your best friend op but you definitely aren't his.....

Lolalondon2 · 15/07/2023 20:36

You said you are lonely too but you aren't here resorting to sex workers. Don't believe this cheap cop out or even give it the time of day. You deserve to be treated how you treat others. Be your own example of relationship standards

Suzi89 · 15/07/2023 20:39

Does he ask you for hand jobs or does he just want random strangers to do it? I can’t believe he’d waste £130 on that, and obviously he’s cheating which is disgusting.

Dalekjastninerels · 15/07/2023 20:39

Paid for something he can give himself? More than likely he also went further either that or he is a fuckwit who pays for a wank.

Don't have any more kids with this Dumb Cunt whatever you do.

Willmafrockfit · 15/07/2023 20:40

sounds like you need outside support, some counselling and also help with sleep hygiene

Willmafrockfit · 15/07/2023 20:40

see your school nurse for sleep support. @Havanawinter

Echio · 15/07/2023 20:41

Okay so my big question on all of its - how do so many people on here know how much sexual services cost??

Willmafrockfit · 15/07/2023 20:42

another thing op @Havanawinter
you dont have to decide immediately what to do

JohnOgloat · 15/07/2023 20:42

UndercoverCop · 15/07/2023 18:51

What does this behaviour tell you about his beliefs regarding women? He thinks sexual consent is something you can purchase without consequence, that women can be sexually exploited and and that it's fine to lie to and deceive your partner, whilst utilising family funds for your own sexual gratification.
That's not a person I'd want to be in a relationship with

You're not so stop being so judgey.

MN commenters never cease to amaze me, perfectly fine it seems for single women to be engaged in shagging married men for a bit of fun with no commitment, but God forbid, any married man strays. 🙄

Thehop · 15/07/2023 20:43

Isn't B2B body to body?

MixedCouple · 15/07/2023 20:45

Sorry but this is cheating. Lonely or not. He should have communicated if he is your best friends.
Up to you if you can work through it. But me personally my husband knows anything to do with the opposite gender is instant divorce kids or not. That line will never be crossed with me.