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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
xyz111 · 14/07/2023 10:08

I'm so sorry op, I would feel the same. What would have happened if the others hadn't come over? Holding hands to me would seem intimate, but that's because my DH rarely does it!!

PaintedEgg · 14/07/2023 10:13

This is wrong, he should have been holding your hand, and you're his wife and were feeling sick.

I hate these overly emotional people who are always ready to support everyone but their spouse

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:16

xyz111 · 14/07/2023 10:08

I'm so sorry op, I would feel the same. What would have happened if the others hadn't come over? Holding hands to me would seem intimate, but that's because my DH rarely does it!!

Before that evening i would have bet a million £ that he would never do something like this. In that moment when i saw them, i would have bet ££ that it would go further. This is why i stayed outside, took photos (so he couldn't gaslight me and say i imagined it) and watched and waited. I wanted to know how it was going to play out so i would know beyond doubt. I didn't get to know how it would have ended if the others hadn't come back. He says he would never have done anything, of course he's going to say that. I can quite get over him acting this way. All it took was flattery for 2/3days and here we are. I had spoken with this OW, been really nice to her as she's just found her husband had been having an affair which is why she was away with a work colleague. Feel sooo let down and questioning who he even is...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:19

PaintedEgg · 14/07/2023 10:13

This is wrong, he should have been holding your hand, and you're his wife and were feeling sick.

I hate these overly emotional people who are always ready to support everyone but their spouse

That's the thing, he's not overly emotional in any way. I was feeling better (finally after 5 days of a 7 day holiday being ill!) but our daughter (16) had vomited and so i took her back to her room. He didn't give a shit about my crappy holiday or our daughter. He could have been the one to take her back.

OP posts:
GritGoes4th · 14/07/2023 10:20

it's made me not trust him

That's the heart of it, right there. He broke your trust. After 22 years of marriage, he showed you that he cannot be trusted and will take an opportunity to cheat.

Don't minimise what he did. He'll be doing that enough for both of you. Because breaking your trust in him is huge and fundamental - it's not some little blip or mistake.

I am really sorry for you, OP. I would also be totally shocked if that had happened, and can well understand how you must be feeling.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2023 10:22

Why don’t you think you would end your marriage over him cheating on you? That’s definitely what happened whether he feels he cheated or not

AllOfThemWitches · 14/07/2023 10:22

My partner would never have let me go back alone, let alone all the other shit. So yours doesn't sound great to begin with. I'd actually bin him for this but i appreciate you're married with children.

Babdoc · 14/07/2023 10:25

I agree with AllOfThemWitches, his total lack of concern for you and his DD when you were both ill, is just as much a red flag as the involvement with another woman.
He sounds emotionally uninvested as a husband and father, selfish, and untrustworthy.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:25

And what would his opinion of you be if he was stick in a hotel room sick with your child, while you chose to stay out socialising, and he then saw you sitting alone with and holding hands with a recently single man, who also pecked you on the mouth??

What would he be doing right now?

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:26

He'll lie, of course, if you put that question to him but you've been with him for 22 years so you can accurately imagine what his reaction would be.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:28

And yes, given he's gotten close enough to a stranger on holiday within two or three days and stayed out chatting with he, holding her hand etc. - while you were in your room nearby ; you do have to wonder what hes capable of doing when you're not there.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:28

AllOfThemWitches · 14/07/2023 10:22

My partner would never have let me go back alone, let alone all the other shit. So yours doesn't sound great to begin with. I'd actually bin him for this but i appreciate you're married with children.

I suppose in his defence (though he doesn’t deserve it) dd would have only wanted me with her and ds and dh were together so ds would have been on his own. As it was I took dd back to her room and she wanted to just go to sleep so I wasn’t even with her. Thought dh and ds were just going to have 1 drink and then come back. Obviously dh had other ideas…

OP posts:
pictoosh · 14/07/2023 10:29

Was he holding her hand romantically, or in the way drunk people do when they're being very earnest?

GoldDuster · 14/07/2023 10:31

He doesn't feel it's a big deal because he's done worse before, I'd bet. Never mind if he agrees with you that it's cheating, it doesn't matter what you label it. How do you feel about what you know you saw?

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:33

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:25

And what would his opinion of you be if he was stick in a hotel room sick with your child, while you chose to stay out socialising, and he then saw you sitting alone with and holding hands with a recently single man, who also pecked you on the mouth??

What would he be doing right now?

His reaction would be completely unimaginable and quite rightly so. He gets funny when I’m out without him. Have said to him that at no point in our relationship has someone thought they were able to kiss me on my lips or hold my hand. I don’t want to be with someone who will cheat on me. I don’t want to look back at now (when I’m still young ish, not young but 47 and attractive 🙈) and think I wasted these next 20 years.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 14/07/2023 10:35

Trust is something you decide for yourself, if you no longer trust him you no longer trust him and that's that.

However I am tactile/touchy feely particularly after I've had a drink and also have one of 'those faces' that people tell their woes to. I've held randoms' hands more than once when they've been sharing their stories, it doesn't mean I'm a cheat. Far from it, in fact.

That said, if you'd been sick in bed for 5 days I would have went back with DD to let you have your night so the situation wouldn't have occurred.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:36

pictoosh · 14/07/2023 10:29

Was he holding her hand romantically, or in the way drunk people do when they're being very earnest?

It felt off to me. I’ve never seen him hold anyone’s hand before. Not his him mums when his dad passed etc. It could have been just supportive, but why was his supporting some random woman on holiday rather than his wife?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:42

Don’t mean to drip feed but 2 nights previously we’d gone to the next door hotel for a party night. Dd wanted to leave so I took her back to our hotel, said I’d wait in the bar for dh as he had our key and he needed to give a man his glasses back that he’d left at the swim up bar. It felt off then as felt like dh didn’t want me around but I thought nothing of it as thought they were a married couple. As far as he knew, me and dd were sat waiting for him at our hotel bar (no Wi-Fi or data in other hotel) but he didn’t come back until 3am. As it was I got another key from ds and had going to bed, but as far as dh knew, me and dd were in a bar, locked out waiting for him. Ds found him the the hotel’s nightclub at 3am with this other couple.

OP posts:
Superdupes · 14/07/2023 10:43

How can he say he wouldn't have done anything when he'd already done something!

If she thought she could plant a kiss on a married mans lips than something had obviously happened previously for her to assume this would be ok.

He's had how many nights while you've been ill where he could have been up to god knows what with her - he's not going to admit it is he? Has she got her own room? I'd have to assume that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Sorry he's done this OP, what a shit when you're ill in bed.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:45

He gets funny when I’m out without him.

Ha, how very ironic given how he acts when he gets the chance.

Wonder of that is projection.

Your spidey senses were going off re his interaction with this woman and you were completely vindicated when you looked and found him in close company with her, alone at times, holding her hand .... And she clearly felt it was inkeeping with their interaction and welcome for her to kiss him : even if it was a peck. These are people who are essentially strangers who've been acquainted a couple of days. Imagine what it would be like after weeks of months of regular contact if this is how it escalates with him in a couple of days, while he's there with his fkg wife and family.

It seems like she's very vulnerable and very open to attention and validation from men, given her circumstances.... And he responded to that with alacrity.
She is, of course acting inappropriately given she knows he's an attached man, but he - of course - I'd more responsible. He should never have gotten into this sort of interaction with her.

He should have acted approximately and gone back to his room and joined his family - especially when left alone with her.

She's clearly an emotionally, bashed around, traumatised, desperate, slightly unstable woman at this time .... And nstead of staying well clear, guess who's having cosy chats and holding her hand, and letting her feel kissing him is welcome/ok....

I find men like this are actually a bit predatory; he'll spin it as sympathy and compassion and support : but I bet he wouldn't feel the need to offer it to a man of an unattractive female!!

OhComeOnFFS · 14/07/2023 10:47

That woman's relationship with her colleague sounds very odd. How many women would go on holiday with their male colleague?

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:48

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:42

Don’t mean to drip feed but 2 nights previously we’d gone to the next door hotel for a party night. Dd wanted to leave so I took her back to our hotel, said I’d wait in the bar for dh as he had our key and he needed to give a man his glasses back that he’d left at the swim up bar. It felt off then as felt like dh didn’t want me around but I thought nothing of it as thought they were a married couple. As far as he knew, me and dd were sat waiting for him at our hotel bar (no Wi-Fi or data in other hotel) but he didn’t come back until 3am. As it was I got another key from ds and had going to bed, but as far as dh knew, me and dd were in a bar, locked out waiting for him. Ds found him the the hotel’s nightclub at 3am with this other couple.

He treats you and your kids with such disrespect and in such a cavalier, selfish manner .....I'd this really totally new & isolated ??

StellaJohanna · 14/07/2023 10:48

I would say that the behaviour between them indicates they might have had sex before that. Only you know whether he has been out of your sight long enough for that to happen. I found my ex doing a similar thing and I immediately knew that level of relaxed, casual intimacy with a stranger was absolutely not in his nature and he must have had sex with her. After lying to me for a fortnight, he eventually admitted it and our relationship ended there.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:50

OhComeOnFFS · 14/07/2023 10:47

That woman's relationship with her colleague sounds very odd. How many women would go on holiday with their male colleague?

How many women would be kissing a married man with kids she's very recently met on the lips and holding his hand .... While his wife and kids are nearby in a hotel room sick?

She's clearly all over the place.

Whether this is her standard behaviour or not, who knows.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2023 10:51

So what do you think you're going to do?