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Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 13:08

I always find people minimise infidelity etc with the "idiot, dumb, foolish, silly" etc card ....isn't it more lack of integrity and selfish edd than "idiocy".

Tophy124 · 14/07/2023 13:11

This is cheating. And if they were that blatant out in the open I suspect that they have been more intimate in private, I’m sorry. I also would worry your DS has been witness to really inappropriate behaviour of his Dad!

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:13

Moveoverdarlin · 14/07/2023 12:38

Something happened the other night I reckon. Out until 3am while your ill wife and kids were back in the room?! That’s not on. A peck on the cheek and openly holding hands? That gives the impression of an established familiarity. I bet they snogged and possibly more the other night.

I would say yes maybe but actually i don't think so as my son (20) was out with him too. I asked him if he felt there was anything inappropriate with the OW and he said no, although he said he thought wtf is dad doing out without mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:15

Tophy124 · 14/07/2023 13:11

This is cheating. And if they were that blatant out in the open I suspect that they have been more intimate in private, I’m sorry. I also would worry your DS has been witness to really inappropriate behaviour of his Dad!

Unfortunately this is true. Poor ds has been caught up in it a bit. He's a sweetheart but 100% unfair on him being shouldered with any of this.

OP posts:
okiedokie1 · 14/07/2023 13:17

Where are you with this now OP and what is your H doing/saying? How much longer are you at the resort? Will you see the woman again?

okiedokie1 · 14/07/2023 13:18

Oh you are home already. I've just re-read

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 13:18

They have built a life and family together over 20 odd years. It is a lot to throw away

Op's not the one throwing it away.

And your biological change, mid life crises, personality transplant "theory" for infidelity had a million holes and stinks to high heaven of excusing infidelity and cruelty and selfishness, and encouraging women to accept it.

The example of the women blaming menopause for her affair and leaving her husband and what happened to her .... Alone, husband wouldn't take her back etc. is relevant because pretty much everyone on here responded "you have no right to keep him or have him back given your behaviour sad but that's the way it is"

The same would apply to a man doing it to a woman and having "hormonal, biological" changes blamed for his behaviour. It's not any more of an excuse for them. It's an excuse for neither.

Oh and btw I don't think the supposed "personality transplant m" mid life crisis men had a personality transplant at all .... If you get real facts from their wives you'll see a pattern of selfishness, lack of integrity, pragmatism etc etc through their entire relationship. There's no transplant, only a reveal now that he doesn't want to fuck his menopausal or post menopausal partner any more.

okiedokie1 · 14/07/2023 13:18

He's absolutely likely to have her contact details

Badger1970 · 14/07/2023 13:20

So basically, you all go on a family holiday and your DH behaves like a single man, with a get out of jail free card because you're too unwell to supervise him.

He has totally done this before to be that bold.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 13:21

*isn't a personality transplant at all

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 13:21

She’ll be saved under a man’s name.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 13:27

Badger1970 · 14/07/2023 13:20

So basically, you all go on a family holiday and your DH behaves like a single man, with a get out of jail free card because you're too unwell to supervise him.

He has totally done this before to be that bold.

Yep,

When a man flips into single mode so easily, within striking distance of his wife & kids .... You really have to wonder what he flips into when he's out or away alone.

He can say he was only being sympathetic, supportive etc. 99% of posters on here don't believe that and most importantly, your instincts were going off about her/them from the start. What you saw vindicated that. Her work colleague or a single man should be the one comforting and consoling her, not your effing husband.

Maybe she's cavalier about attached men full stop; but I do find that some cheated on people be one very cavalier and bitter, go off the rails and have a "can't beat them, so I'll join them" mentality.

And she certainly found a willing participant in your husband, by the looks of it.

BinnityBoo · 14/07/2023 13:35

'Not much in the grand scheme of things'

I don't know whether your husband has gaslit you into thinking that way but you have paid for a family holiday, gone away with your husband and children and your husband has somehow found the time to strike up an emotional relationship with another woman, they kissed and were holding hands.

Your DH's behaviour is completely deplorable in my eyes. I would have him out on his arse. He should be spending time with you and his children on the FAMILY holiday not paroozing around with other single women and not coming back until 3am.

The absolutely audacity. Fucking arsehole!

tunbridgeoutrage · 14/07/2023 13:39

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:28

And yes, given he's gotten close enough to a stranger on holiday within two or three days and stayed out chatting with he, holding her hand etc. - while you were in your room nearby ; you do have to wonder what hes capable of doing when you're not there.

And if he's done it before.

tunbridgeoutrage · 14/07/2023 13:41

pictoosh · 14/07/2023 10:54

Well if he had been drinking and was loose of tongue and merry, they may have got into one of those lack-of-inhibitions earnest chats that drunk people do. Loads of people get chatty and tactile when they've had a few. I do it and more often, I've had my hand held by both men and women who are spraffing what, in the moment, is terribly important that they think I should know.
It's not sexual just...pished.
That's why I asked.

Did you also kiss them on the mouth?

Minnierose11 · 14/07/2023 13:42

I'd leave.

If my husband felt comfortable enough to be intimate like that with a women he'd shortly met whilst his wife and kids!! Are on a family holiday - id be seriously questioning what he's life when you aren't present - the total lack of disrespect here is sicking.
Even if 'she kissed him' he was clearly acting in a way that lead her to believe that her advances would be acceptable and for me even that is crossing the line.

Beaverbridge · 14/07/2023 13:44

Sounds like that old programme Duty Free but I knew through work a married man who took his mistress on a world cruise him and his wife were on to celebrate their silver wedding! All the nen at work saw him as what a guy, whilst us females thought of him as a dirty bastard. Seriously I think he's known her before you went. Try and get into his phone.

sallywinter · 14/07/2023 13:45

That’s not a first kiss

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:54

BinnityBoo · 14/07/2023 13:35

'Not much in the grand scheme of things'

I don't know whether your husband has gaslit you into thinking that way but you have paid for a family holiday, gone away with your husband and children and your husband has somehow found the time to strike up an emotional relationship with another woman, they kissed and were holding hands.

Your DH's behaviour is completely deplorable in my eyes. I would have him out on his arse. He should be spending time with you and his children on the FAMILY holiday not paroozing around with other single women and not coming back until 3am.

The absolutely audacity. Fucking arsehole!

I’ve definitely been gaslit. I’m just not sure what to do about it. I’m not sure if it’s warrants Ltb, we’ve started counselling but I just don’t feel like he’s doing enough to make amends and reassure me. We went out with it daughter for diner the other night. I said I’d like to go on holiday in august as I had such a shit last holiday - he laughed and said spring like oops - like you would if there was some funny in joke and everyone found it funny. I obviously didn’t. Went over dd head as she thought i just meant being ill. He doesn’t seem to take on board the hurt he’s caused even though he says he does understand. Says it was nothing, but what it appeared and he doesn’t even remember her name.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:57

okiedokie1 · 14/07/2023 13:18

He's absolutely likely to have her contact details

No chance getting into his phone. I asked to see it, said I was being unreasonable. I’ve not in 20 years asked to see his phone, yet Im unreasonable. This is bullshit. I just don’t know what kind of bullshit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:59

Deargodletitgo · 14/07/2023 12:31

Are you still a SAHM? If so I'd advise you get back into a job to give you more options going forward.

We jointly own 2 business so he’d have to buy me out I guess or pay me a salary ongoing.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 14/07/2023 14:03

GoldDuster · 14/07/2023 10:31

He doesn't feel it's a big deal because he's done worse before, I'd bet. Never mind if he agrees with you that it's cheating, it doesn't matter what you label it. How do you feel about what you know you saw?

I agree. The way everything escalated within a few days, I think he most likely has cheated before. He is used to it

readbooksdrinktea · 14/07/2023 14:03

I hate these overly emotional people who are always ready to support everyone but their spouse

Exactly this!

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/07/2023 14:03

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

If the trust is gone, there’s no relationship.

5128gap · 14/07/2023 14:05

What's he like normally? Does he go 'out out' without you when he's at home? Does he work away? Hang out a lot for hobbies? Or is he a quiet home body family is my world type?
If the former I'd be inclined to think you may well have finally seen what he's really like when you're not around, and it may well not be the first time. It's fast work after all. If the latter there's a chance it was a one off attraction that won't be repeated and needs to be balanced against 20 happy faithful years. What do you think?