Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

[Bobbylives]

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

If you had been in the bar with them that night, would he have held that woman’s hand and allow him to kiss him?

This would be it for me, I could never trust him again. I think your gut feeling is all you need to listen to, you don’t need to know any details really.

If he won't show you his phone, then he is DEFINITELY hiding something.

If he was truly remorseful and wanted to reassure you, he'd hand it over in a second. There is a reason he won't let you see his phone, and deep down you know what that reason is. I'd demand to see the phone "or else we're over".

I said I’d like to go on holiday in august as I had such a shit last holiday - he laughed and said spring like oops - like you would if there was some funny in joke and everyone found it funny. I obviously didn’t.

Holy fucking shit.

Mate ....

I wondered this too? Starting to think she’s got plans for a a threesome

So if you (whom he doesn't like going out alone because you get male attention) stayed out clubbing til 3am with your dd on hol while he was ill, never came back with a room key to let him and your son into your room, stayed out another evening while he stayed in the room to keep your sick child company etc. And when he went looking for you, you were sitting one on one chatting with a recently single man, held hands with him, and the man kissed you on the lips .......

Where would he be in that holiday, let alone months later; when he mentioned he'd like to go on another holiday because the last one was shit (due to your behaviour, never mind the V&D bug) and your response was a comedy "ooops", "doh" or similar ... What would his reaction be?

He's taking the absolute piss out of you, he's treating you like a doormat.

If I saw my husband and another woman holding hands and her kiss him on the lips, wild horses couldn't have stopped me going straight over and asking wtf was going on. How you were so restraint I don't know. Unless it looked innocent in real life because on paper it looks like he's been having some holiday fun.

Unfortunately OP, he doesn't see the magnitude of what he's done or the hurt he has caused, which is why he thinks it's ok to make fun of you about it. What an arse.
He's not really sorry, he just wants you to shut up about it. The fact that he won't show you his phone is worse - he should be doing everything he can to reassure you, but it seems like he doesn't even feel like he's done anything wrong.

I honestly don't think there is a way back from this, the resentment and his compounding behaviour will eat away at you. If he had been super remorseful and done everything possible to atone for this, then you could try to rebuild, but he doesn't seem arsed.

What about the next woman he meets on holiday when you are off doing something else?

Maybe you should switch to individual counselling to start to focus on what you would like your future to be.

Oh and it was not unreasonable you to ask to see his phone messages, contacts etc after you caught him acting extremely inappropriately on holiday .... And that's the best that can be said, there could be worse you don't know.

In spite of being jealous/possessive etc because you're a former model who gets attention if you go out; he clearly thinks you're going nowhere, and will take any shit he throws you way.

He's shit on your shoe, op.

Totally not taking it seriously at all.

Tell him you're going out this weekend, you're going to find a single man to chat with, hold his hand, and hopefully he'll plant a kiss on you; which you won't be discouraging or fighting.

Tell him he can come and watch if he likes, then you can joke about it in the coming months.

(Except that wouldn't be parity be sure he did that to you before you did anything/without you doing anything and you had to find out by checking up on him).

You have my sympathy OP.
What a devastating find.

Unfortunately I too think the previous night was likely the start.

I also agree that men of personal integrity don't believe their wives are on the prowl the minute they leave the house.

This all happening whilst you were ill and then your daughter is telling about his character too.

I can't answer if this on it's own would be marriage ending for everyone, but for me it would give me the knowledge that he is definitely in a place where he could be unfaithful and knowing MY character I would be emotionally detaching to prepare and protect myself.

Once broken, trust is never fully recoverable, though many move forward despite it.

You need not feel under any pressure to have all the answers.

Definitely talk to your closest people so that you have support.

Don't dream of keeping it to yourself.

In your pace I wouldn't.
I would put myself first.

Wishing you well.

Let him wonder if anything else went on.

Tell him he's being unreasonable if he ever ask to see your phone etc. to establish if anything else went on.

Im sure he'll really enjoy being in that position, this man who's uncomfortable with you even going out alone, and will be all chilled and happy and committed. I'm sure he'll find it all very amusing.

Thank you. I’ve wondered who I should share it with. I don’t have many close female friends. I’ve told 2 who are both single - mostly because my friends have husbands who are his friends. They didn’t think it was a deal breaker. I haven’t told my parents as I’m not sure they could ever get past it. I don’t know if I can get past it but don’t want that added pressure. Dd just done her GCSEs so needed to keep things on an even keel for then.

it’s all so so out of character. I don’t think he’s an ongoing cheater, what I do think though is that he’s very much taken me for granted and seeks to have a sense of entitlement that it’s ok. I’m not sure what my next move is. Just mulling it over for now.

Just seeing these updates.

Scratch above what I wrote.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.....his phone!

Only someone without an ounce of respect for you and their marriage could joke about his behaviour.

Get counselling for yourself.
Screw him.

Don't let this be your future.

Definitely tell family and friends.

He's a player for sure.

Not trying to be patronising but are you sure you no his full, real character?

The fact that he acted that way, and feels it's nothing and a laughing matter is . . Suspicious.

Anyone who did something out of character when eg drunk/high would usually be mortified and apologetic - especially if it hurt their loved one or threatened the relationship. They wouldn't see it as a joke.rhe fact that he sees being caught doing that as a joke makes me wonder what context he's putting behaviour like that in.
It also speaks of a tremendous lack of empathy, selfishness and lack of integrity.

*know 🙄

They would also be very grateful for the forgiveness and for the continuation of the relationship... Not joking and bantering a lot the behaviour that could have (should have) ended the relationship.

So he knows he crossed a line and yet won't show you his phone to help rebuild trust? I'd be ending things over this alone.

I also find the fact that you haven't and feel you couldn't tell your parents about his behaviour (because they couldn't get past it) very significant.

If your partner/spouse s behaving in such a way that your nearest and dearest, people who care about you, couldn't be told about it; you have to seriously wonder if you should be in a relationship with them.

I stayed in a relationship with a man who'd revealed himself as abusive ... And didn't tell my parents or sisters about his behaviour until near the end; because I knew they'd think he was a shit person, and it was a shit relationship, and would think I should get out, and I'd feel I had no choice to get out. But looking back, that was very sad. The very fact I couldn't tel them about his behaviour showed, in neon lights, that I shouldn't have stayed in that relationship and it was never going to work out or be ok.

We went out with it daughter for diner the other night. I said I’d like to go on holiday in august as I had such a shit last holiday - he laughed and said spring like oops -

What does this mean - "spring like oops"?

I think op meant to write "something like oops"

still fishy. I happen to have a lot of male friends that I go party with, one of them I dated casually back in our teens, one have been into me for as long as we knew each other. h never felt the need to stop me from hanging out with them (maybe because I find them all idots), he also was completely unbothered by it when I traveled with male colleges for work on different occasions (one time with one who fancied me, h didn't like him but still didn't think I would ever act on it).

people tend to judge others with their own ways, it's a subconscious thing. h thinks of cheating as a scandal, but mostly finds it stupid as it would reduce one's social/financial/housing situation, he knows that we are on the same page so isn't bothered by any random guy. maybe your h concerned about you going about on your own tells you which page he's actually on.

Holidays do weird this vs to folk. It's a. Real from every day life and so stones we forget ourselves obviously he is on the wrong

Hopefully you can sort this out

@Bobbylives could you seriously trust him ever again if he socialised without you. Or went away with friends. Or if you are out with friends and a random woman is chatting to him? The trust for me would be gone.

did he hold hands with this other woman whilst the group were there? Or just when they went? Was he hiding it from others or just you?

Don’t mean to drip feed but 2 nights previously we’d gone to the next door hotel for a party night. Dd wanted to leave so I took her back to our hotel, said I’d wait in the bar for dh as he had our key and he needed to give a man his glasses back that he’d left at the swim up bar. It felt off then as felt like dh didn’t want me around but I thought nothing of it as thought they were a married couple. As far as he knew, me and dd were sat waiting for him at our hotel bar (no Wi-Fi or data in other hotel) but he didn’t come back until 3am. As it was I got another key from ds and had going to bed, but as far as dh knew, me and dd were in a bar, locked out waiting for him. Ds found him the the hotel’s nightclub at 3am with this other couple

So on top of the kiss/hand holding, days earlier he stayed out till 3am despite knowing you were waiting in hotel bar for him and his key? That's contempt right there. Also you say in your op DH became friendly with this couple, are you absolutely certain he did not know her before the trip? It sounds ever so slightly planned to me.