Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

[Bobbylives]

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

Ateotd though ; she doesn't matter.

She's merely an opportunity, an example of how op's husband acts when he has an opportunity.

Well if he had been drinking and was loose of tongue and merry, they may have got into one of those lack-of-inhibitions earnest chats that drunk people do. Loads of people get chatty and tactile when they've had a few. I do it and more often, I've had my hand held by both men and women who are spraffing what, in the moment, is terribly important that they think I should know.
It's not sexual just...pished.
That's why I asked.

Why are you painting this woman out to be some poor victim?

She knows this bloke's away on holiday with his family.

Plenty of women are happy to partake in holiday shagging, regardless of the state of their marriage.

Are you sure he didn't know her before the holiday?

Seems odd she went on holiday with a male colleague and he was happy to play the patsy whilst she got off with a bloke.

I also think it's significant that he's very off about you going out on your own.

I don't know many men who are like that who aren't cheaters themselves.

There are 4 women in my Mum's family - 2 had husbands who accepted them going out on their own with equanimity, 2 did not.

The 2 who did not, 1 is s repeated proven cheater and touched up women (including relatives by marriage) at parties. The other hasn't been caught outright cheating but I heard he's a strip club (and maybe brothel) crawler when on trips away, and he has strippers at every significant event.

My conclusion is that the cheaters don't like their partners going out on their own.

She is, of course acting inappropriately given she knows he's an attached man, but he - of course - I'd more responsible.

Can you read?

Holding someone's hand can be a friendly gesture. But not if it's happened immediately after being kissed...

If someone tries to kiss you and you're married, the correct response is not to told their hand. It's to remind them that you're married, it's inappropriate, and you need to to leave.

If he stayed after she put the moves on him., he cares more about her feelings than yours. And he didn't make a vow to her.

She's not a victim but she appears to be reeling from being cheated on and her relationship being over very recently.

That is a factor.

Op',s husband should have been polite but given her a wide berth.

Instead he seems to be her new best 'friend".

As I said, if this is how he acts with his wife & kids sick in a nearby hotel room, dread to think how he acts when she's not around at all.

Are you sure they don’t already know each other in some way? Or that he’s in some weird love triangle with the other two? It seems unfortunate that the very first time ever he considers cheating he gets caught 🤔

I couldn’t get past this.

I don’t drink anymore but was a very huggy drunk. I’m huggy when sober! But even if this woman was just naturally huggy a kiss is more than that and he should be the one stopping it.

I would be worried about the night in the club too. He thought that his wife and daughter were locked out. How did he explain that one?

It's not a love triangle if get work colleague is a platonic friend.

Which seems likely if she's only very recently broken up with a partner ... And had to take the work colleague on the holiday instead.

He gets funny with you being out alone because he knows what he’s capable of when he is out alone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a break of trust and intimacy that should just be between 2 partners.

OP - I just read your "drip feed" post about him being in the hotel disco at 3am. I think they have been having sex and he slipped away from you to spend time with her - slipping outside for 10 or 15 minutes here and there since they met.

He has behaved like a shit the whole holiday whether they had sex or not. (They did) HIs mind has not been on you at all. I would be planning to get rid of him. When you get home he will message her - for sure. You don't need proof though - you know enough. Keep your powder dry and do the best for yourself and children. Engineer yourself into the best situation and throw the shark back in the water. You're only 47! It's going to be okay.

My first husband did something to break my trust in him. It was something similar to what your DH has done OP ie not sex or a full emotional affair, but I couldn't trust him 100% after that. I tried to make it work, and so did he, but I ended up feeling like I was secretly policing his every move, and really I was just waiting for him to do something else. I didn't talk to him about it much, as we had agreed to draw a line in the sand and move on and get our relationship back on track. But for me it was agony, like I was emotionally torturing myself, always on alert, waiting for the disaster to come. To be fair to him, he didn't put a foot wrong afterwards, and we carried on together for another 18 months. But I couldn't forget, and I couldn't rebuild my complete trust I had had before, and I couldn't stop policing him. In the end I walked away and we divorced.

I have been much happier since and don't regret leaving at all, but we did not have children and so I can only imagine how much they must influence your possible options now.

I hope you find a way through it that works for you and the children.

@Bobbylives do you really want to give another 20 years to a man who thinks it is perfectly okay for him to kiss another woman and hold hands with her but you absolutely cannot do that with another man?

You can't trust him. You know that. Why would you waste more years with a cheat and he IS a cheat because a married man who "pecks" another woman's lips is kissing and that IS cheating.

Chances are this wasn't a one time deal. He is clearly comfortable enough to be inappropriately intimate with another woman and to me, that means he's had practice.

I think he is a liar who has sporadically shagged around for years, even decades on you but this is the first time he got sloppy and you've caught him out.

What an absolute fucker your DH is. I'd be going totally ballistic if I found my DH behaving like this. And right under your nose.

Honestly - this is something to end a marriage over unless you can live with the possibility he'll be doing this again but just when there's less chance of being caught out. Yeah, maybe the holiday vibes and the attention and the booze got to him, but unless you can truly say this type of thing is no big deal and doesn't constitute real infidelity or you want to go to counselling to see what other excuses he can come up with, I don't think I'd be able to just forgive and forget. He sounds like a weak man who is having some sort of middle aged crisis where he took the first (?) opportunity to find out if he could still be attractive to other women and have his ego stroked. I mean it's a classic really but you don't have to put up with it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Please do not allow him to minimalise his behaviour- who knows where this would have lead too if the group had not been back.

He prioritised this women and a group of people he had known for 2/3 days over his poorly wife and then daughter. That is not good enough. He should have been with you supporting you and making sure you and your daughter were okay. He could have taken your daughter back to the room - to allow you a small slice of holiday after being so ill for 5 days - but he didn’t.

I am sorry for me once my trust is gone it would be a very hard place for my husband to come back from - so his poor attitude to you afterwards is just shit!! He should be bending over backwards to accommodate and accept your feelings and what he has done wrong here.

he IS a cheat because a married man who "pecks" another woman's lips is kissing and that IS cheating.

I think she kissed him, but he didn't draw away by the sounds of it, and she clearly (correctly it seems) thought it was welcome.

You do have to winder what happened the night of the disco when he stated out to 3am, and he "forgot" about op and their dd being locked out of the hotel room and didn't bother coming back with the key.

All in all, I think the fact that ops instincts and Spidey senses have been going off from early on re his interaction with this woman is the key thing.

Chances are this wasn't a one time deal. He is clearly comfortable enough to be inappropriately intimate with another woman and to me, that means he's had practice

This.

And within such a short period.

The kiss on the mouth and the hand holding is cheating for me! Did he flinch/try and pull away when she went for his mouth?

Well that moved quickly didn’t it? If he can go from zero to 98 in the time it took you to go on holiday, meet new people and go back to your room with a sick child. Then what the fuck is he doing the rest of the time when you’re not about?

@Bobbylives Always trust your gut instinct.

My ex did the same- My gut was warning me.
I'm so sorry.
If he was a decent husband, he'd be caring for you and your daughter, not canoodling with a stranger.

Sorry OP but you've just found out who your husband really is. If you want to keep him, then you will need to react to this quietly but very strongly and show him that this behaviour will not be tolerated and if he wants to remain in the marriage then he will need to prove himself to you over and over.

Otherwise, he has mistreated you and you have given him the green light (in his head), he will lose his respect for you and without doubt he will repeat this behaviour in some form or the other in the future.

He is at a prime age for mid life crisis. It is a very real thing and a form of depression which is extremely painful for him and all those around him and as you will know, seems to make sufferers' behaviour appear incomprehensible. I'd read up on it as much as possible if I were you and asap. Much of what you read will be negative but it is, however, possible to get your marriage and family through this intact if you really want to, but you both need to adapt, work closely together and communicate constantly, ie listen to what the other is really saying and work it out together. Not easy, and only you know if he/it is worth it.

Most of all, know that this is not your fault in any way. If this is a symptom of midlife crisis then an unavoidable biological change is happening in him. Never let him lose his respect for you. I wish you luck in the road ahead. You can do it and will find lots of support on here. x

What a pile of codswallop.

You are completely and utterly ignoring the possibility that this is not totally new, isolated behaviour for ops husband. Which is perfectly possible given that hed funny about her going out on her own.

Also that people rarely have personality transplants due to "mix live crisis" hormones.

Do women also have these personality transplants due to mid ife crisis hormones or only men?

And if only men do - why do only some men have them and not others?

And why should the wives of the men who have them (while other men do not) stick by them while they and their kids are treated like shite?

My alarm bells are shrieking…. I feel like they know each other and this meeting isn’t “random”. Check credit cards and bank accounts.