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Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/07/2023 12:09

@Bobbylives I've been there with a woman who was I think jealous of our life. She was an employee and was constantly texting my H rather than me- I think it gave her a buzz that he used to answer her back - all on him I admit - he should have closed her down and it wasn't flirty stuff - but yes there are women (and men) out there like this who I think get a buzz from attention from a 'taken' person- particularly if they are feeling a bit down about themselves.

YouJustDoYou · 14/07/2023 12:11

He "gets funny" when you go out in the evenings with the girls? Sometimes they get like that because THEY'VE cheated previously and are projecting.

Mikimoto · 14/07/2023 12:11

Wonder what DS said as to why dad said "ok son, off you toddle, I'm staying out"?!

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:11

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:56

I also think it's significant that he's very off about you going out on your own.

I don't know many men who are like that who aren't cheaters themselves.

There are 4 women in my Mum's family - 2 had husbands who accepted them going out on their own with equanimity, 2 did not.

The 2 who did not, 1 is s repeated proven cheater and touched up women (including relatives by marriage) at parties. The other hasn't been caught outright cheating but I heard he's a strip club (and maybe brothel) crawler when on trips away, and he has strippers at every significant event.

My conclusion is that the cheaters don't like their partners going out on their own.

I’m not sure but tbh I think he’s off because I tend to get a lot of male attention (used to model) and get men hitting on me. Sounds arrogant but I’m not. Having said that, in 22 years no man has ever thought he stood enough of a chance to lean over and kiss me. I’ve never given anyone the impression that I’m anything but 100% with my husband and faithful.

OP posts:
colddrytoast · 14/07/2023 12:16

@TheoTheopolis23

Codswallop??

Read my post properly. I am not ignoring the possibility that cheating is a pattern of behaviour that has only just come to light. He might well be a habitual little cheat who deserves to be thrown out immediately. Only the OP can decide. I am not waffling on and excusing cheating men, I am pointing out that alternatively this could also be a symptom of mid life crisis and urging the OP to see that she still has control and to use it.

And my own lived experience as well as having read a huge amount on the subject shows me that husbands CAN completely change personalities and become unrecognisable. That may well happen to women too, it seems it can from what I've read but I don't have any working knowledge of that, and it's completely irrelevant as here we are talking about a man! Who knows why some men do, some don't, and so what, again it's irrelevant.

I was giving OP the best advice from my own extremely fucking painful life experience as to a way forward and wish someone at the time had helped me see the big picture and navigate through on my terms. Most to the point, I am not saying stick by him whilst he treats you like shit. I am saying the complete opposite!!!!!

They have built a life and family together over 20 odd years. It is a lot to throw away. Previously she did not think him capable of this behaviour. Whether the OP arrives at the decision that she wants to stick with him or not she needs to put in extremely strong boundaries, not roll over. How she reacts with boundaries now will largely define the course of the future and I am definitely not victim blaming the wife or taking all the responsibility that he rightly deserves away from him by saying so. If she rolls over then he will treat her like a doormat and leave her at some point anyway. Leaving not just OP with abandonment issues but his 16 year old daughter growing up with no trust in men. At this point she still has control and I am urging her to use it.

Libraryloiterer · 14/07/2023 12:17

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:02

Definitely didn’t know each other, of that I’m sure. Obviously 100% on him, but felt like she was looking for an ego boost. I sat with her one afternoon, listening to her troubles and mentioned to dh then that it felt like she was jealous of me, of our life. She was no simpering vulnerable woman.

Show quote history

That would be game over me. The handhold and peck on the lips is one thing, but doing that against the backdrop of you voicing some unease about this woman is a whole other level of deception.

You're not a team, he's not your person, you can't rely on him.

Roselilly36 · 14/07/2023 12:18

He’s crossed a line, upset you, how you move on from this only you can decide. I wish you luck OP. Flowers

BathroomOnTheRight · 14/07/2023 12:23

I could never trust him again, and yes, I would leave him. This isn't something that 'happened on the spur of the moment' because she was upset. It was planned. You said yourself it felt like he didn't want you around.

He was planning to cheat (and yes, a holding hands AND kissing another women is cheating at the most basic level). He planned this. It didn't 'just happen'. Were they his work colleagues? If so, is there a chance he planned this holiday knowing she would be there? He is only 'remorseful' that he was found out. He put a lot of planning into it, that indicates full intent. How could you ever trust him again knowing he was meticulous with his plans and intent.

I know I may be jumping to a conclusion, but similar things have been known to happen to partners of cheating men, to get them out of the way - so I will come out and say it; isn't it rather convenient that you came down vomiting, AND your daughter also felt unwell, on the same holiday that he met this woman at? I am wondering what you ate/drank and who prepared it (your husband?)?

pictoosh · 14/07/2023 12:24

@BathroomOnTheRight fgs...join a creative writing class or something will you?

BathroomOnTheRight · 14/07/2023 12:26

pictoosh · 14/07/2023 12:24

@BathroomOnTheRight fgs...join a creative writing class or something will you?

Really? Why? Are you really naive you don't know this exact sort of thing has happened before?

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:26

BathroomOnTheRight · 14/07/2023 12:23

I could never trust him again, and yes, I would leave him. This isn't something that 'happened on the spur of the moment' because she was upset. It was planned. You said yourself it felt like he didn't want you around.

He was planning to cheat (and yes, a holding hands AND kissing another women is cheating at the most basic level). He planned this. It didn't 'just happen'. Were they his work colleagues? If so, is there a chance he planned this holiday knowing she would be there? He is only 'remorseful' that he was found out. He put a lot of planning into it, that indicates full intent. How could you ever trust him again knowing he was meticulous with his plans and intent.

I know I may be jumping to a conclusion, but similar things have been known to happen to partners of cheating men, to get them out of the way - so I will come out and say it; isn't it rather convenient that you came down vomiting, AND your daughter also felt unwell, on the same holiday that he met this woman at? I am wondering what you ate/drank and who prepared it (your husband?)?

It was an AI hotel that unfortunately has had a lot of reports of sickness whilst we were there (from trip advisor)

OP posts:
Deargodletitgo · 14/07/2023 12:31

Are you still a SAHM? If so I'd advise you get back into a job to give you more options going forward.

toomanyleggings · 14/07/2023 12:31

Ah this is shit. I’m sorry op. I agree with what others have said. He seems to have slipped into this very easily and on a family holiday as well. My money would be on him having done things before and probably more with this woman than he’s letting on.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/07/2023 12:38

Something happened the other night I reckon. Out until 3am while your ill wife and kids were back in the room?! That’s not on. A peck on the cheek and openly holding hands? That gives the impression of an established familiarity. I bet they snogged and possibly more the other night.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:40

Libraryloiterer · 14/07/2023 12:17

That would be game over me. The handhold and peck on the lips is one thing, but doing that against the backdrop of you voicing some unease about this woman is a whole other level of deception.

You're not a team, he's not your person, you can't rely on him.

Show quote history

To be fair I didn’t say this at the time as I didn’t want to appear like I was being unfair and a bit up myself. Outwardly she was being ‘nice’ but women get the subtle difference in intention.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 14/07/2023 12:40

I know I may be jumping to a conclusion, but similar things have been known to happen to partners of cheating men, to get them out of the way - so I will come out and say it; isn't it rather convenient that you came down vomiting, AND your daughter also felt unwell, on the same holiday that he met this woman at? I am wondering what you ate/drank and who prepared it (your husband?)?

Don't be so ridiculous. People get sick on holiday all the bloody time.

OP, your husband is a giant arsehole and you are right to be furious.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/07/2023 12:44

All of this is unforgivable.

Topseyt123 · 14/07/2023 12:48

I don't think I could ever forgive such a blatant betrayal.

Sirius3030 · 14/07/2023 12:53

He has definitely shagged her several times. LTB.

Inkpotlover · 14/07/2023 12:57

Are you sure he doesn't know her, through work or something? Where is she from? Have you run into her yet today? Has your DH gone out at all today/been on his phone? FWIW, I would be livid with my OH and would struggle to trust him going forward. Does he go out at home and stay out until 3 or 4am?

dudsville · 14/07/2023 12:57

He's made a colossal mistake and disrepected his entire family in a moment of idiocacy, but that's his responsibility, not yours. I could no carry on with him under those circumstances.

GiveOverRover · 14/07/2023 12:58

If you can't go on a family holiday without your husband romancing another woman under your nose, then you have a considerable husband issue on your hands.

He didn't really make much effort to keep it a secret either, so he's either thick as a plank or he thinks that you are.

StopStartStop · 14/07/2023 12:58

Can't help thinking it will one day turn out he knew her before the holiday!

Anyway, that aside, he's cheated. He's holding hands and kissing another woman. Does he have any unusually positive attributes that make him worth sticking with? No?

You know what to do.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 13:04

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:11

I’m not sure but tbh I think he’s off because I tend to get a lot of male attention (used to model) and get men hitting on me. Sounds arrogant but I’m not. Having said that, in 22 years no man has ever thought he stood enough of a chance to lean over and kiss me. I’ve never given anyone the impression that I’m anything but 100% with my husband and faithful.

Show quote history

Exactly - you're not the one who's been holding hands and having one in one cosy convos and giving someone the impression that a kiss is not inappropriate or unwelcome - while he's sick or staying with s si k child in a hotel room nearby. You're not the one who's out clubbing on your own on a family holiday a d forgetting that he a c your child are locked out and need a key off you.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 13:06

dudsville · 14/07/2023 12:57

He's made a colossal mistake and disrepected his entire family in a moment of idiocacy, but that's his responsibility, not yours. I could no carry on with him under those circumstances.

Several moments of idiocy by the looks of it.

And that's just on this holiday.

Who knows how many moments of idiocy he has had over the years, given he's not had a personality transplant for the holiday.

Anyway ... Is it "idiocy"?

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