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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 17/07/2023 13:06

I think he'll have deleted or hidden anything incriminating anyway.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 19/07/2023 00:32

TheoTheopolis23 · 17/07/2023 13:06

I think he'll have deleted or hidden anything incriminating anyway.

Not necessarily, and not likely if he’s adamant that OP won’t be going through his phone. You’d be surprised at how much incriminating evidence cheaters decide not to delete instantly.

You don’t just ask to see the phone once and then never again. You agree that you can both look at each others phones whenever, going forward.
There needs to be total transparency from both sides when the trust has been broken in a relationship, and both people need to want to try to work through it.
Nothing to hide - no problem then.
Refusal - there’s your answer, so you may as well be done.

The relationship will never be the same once the trust has gone. There will either be constant arguing about the same issue and you’re likely to eventually break up over the cheating one day. Some people just shut up and put up, and some people leave.

He’ll eventually slip up, if he’s using his phone to communicate with this OW and any others.

OP saw him holding hands and kissing the OW anyway, so there’s the evidence.

MummyNeedsADrinkDear · 22/07/2023 03:52

Hi @Bobbylives
How are things going? Have you made any decisions yet?
How is Ddog doing?

Dumbndumber · 10/12/2023 19:18

@Bobbylives what happened? Did you sort things out?

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 00:13

Bump

I'd like to know too

sprigatito · 11/12/2023 00:24

Coleslawclara · 14/07/2023 11:45

Surely this is a set up and he knew she would be there?

Are you sure he didn’t poison you somehow so you’d be out of the picture?!

That's how it looks to me as well. No way did he just happen across an affair partner by chance.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 18/12/2023 13:32

I haven’t been back on MN but thank you to those who reached out.

I unfortunately find myself back here today because yesterday i found condoms (we don’t use them) and after initially trying to say they were ours from ages ago, he admitted to cheating on me a couple of weeks ago. I don’t believe this is the only time, it’s obviously who he is, I just didn’t know it. There’s no coming back for me. I’m done, I just don’t know what my plan is. He’s begging for forgiveness so I need to use his temporary feelings of guilt to my advantage. I have no doubt that he’ll change tactics when he knows I’m not taking him back. I’m mostly numb right now.

OP posts:
Duh · 18/12/2023 13:53

Oh OP I’m so sorry to read this update. What an utter shit. Im sure plenty of people will be able to offer constructive advice but mine is to speak to a solicitor before they shut offices for Christmas so you know what the next steps are likely to be and what information you should be gathering over the Christmas break.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 18/12/2023 14:40

He was a shit then and he is a shit now.

Get mad and get your ducks in a row

Any crying or sadness he has now is because he has been caught, well tough tits, don't let him get away with it.

goody2shooz · 18/12/2023 15:08

@Bobbylives so sorry to hear your news. As pp have said, get to a lawyer asap - knowledge is power! You’re right to get busy while he’s still begging for another chance. This slug deserves no more of your tears and grief.

zeibesaffron · 18/12/2023 20:02

I am so sorry to hear this - you are right this will not be his first time doing this and he is only sorry he got caught!!

Please look after yourself- I agree capitalise on his guilt at the moment while you align all your ducks and see a solicitor.

SpringleDingle · 18/12/2023 20:32

I’m sorry he turned out to be a shit. 😞

Thepossibility · 18/12/2023 20:43

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this, at least it's giving to the push to finally throw the trash out! I remember being outraged for you when you originally posted.
All the best.

Riverlee · 18/12/2023 20:55

Thank you for the update and I’m sorry it has turned out this way. At least now you know where you stand, and can make plans accordingly. Although what a horrible tone if the year to find out!

wishing you all the best in 2024.

Porageeater · 18/12/2023 20:57

I remember your thread from before. I’m so sorry. What an arsehole.

YouStupidGirl · 18/12/2023 21:02

I read through all your posts op and was just thinking…”he’s definitely a serial cheater”. For me it was the sheer audacity of doing that on holiday when with his dw and dcs (like, what’s he doing when you’re not around?) but the major red flag was not showing you his phone. If he wanted to prove to you he’s trustworthy he’d have been shoving it in your face as wanting you to see for yourself that he wasn’t up to anything. But he couldn’t do that because there was obviously all sorts on there.

And then we come to your latest post and he’s finally admitted it. You must be heartbroken op but do you also feel a sense of relief? When they are gaslighting you you really think you’re going insane and finding definitive proof or getting an admission is the validation you need to finally make the decision to split.

Hope you’re ok - he’s an absolute twat. How dare he!

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 18/12/2023 21:14

How has he found the spare hours to cheat, if he works 7 days a week...or is that now in question?

I'm so sorry the slimebag has done this to you and your children. You deserve so much better x

MsDogLady · 18/12/2023 23:02

I’m really sorry, @Bobbylives. Although he downplayed his faithless behavior on holiday, he was clearly on the prowl. His ‘remorse’ was false, as evidenced by his current infidelity.

It’s rich that he’s now begging for forgiveness when he has repeatedly abused your trust and made a mockery of you and the children.

He has proven that he doesn’t value honesty, monogamy or loyalty. Make your plans accordingly.

Stupidliefromfriend · 19/12/2023 07:19

I'm so sorry it's turned out this way OP. I remember feeling so sorry for you when you posted initially - I had no idea if there was more to it but I could easily imagine the gnawing feeling inside you. What a shit. I'm sending you lots of strength. You deserve so much better and I'm sure will find it.

jenny38 · 19/12/2023 08:34

So sorry to read your update op, is he still at home with you? I do believe people can make a mistake, but with the background of your holiday I think you are correct to conclude it’s a regular thing.

jeaux90 · 19/12/2023 08:46

I was with one of these.
Believe me you will be so much happier when you've split.

jeaux90 · 19/12/2023 08:48

And use the opportunity to develop a stock phrase " it's over how do we ensure we are centred around the kids moving forward" etc

Buildingthefuture · 19/12/2023 11:34

Am so cross on your behalf to read your update op. What a fool he is. Maybe I’m naive but I didn’t think from your original post that it would turn out this way and I’m so sorry it has. Do remember that this is fuck all to do with you. He is obviously a seasoned and accomplished liar who could have taken any of us in. Grey rock the rancid bastard and build a brilliant life for you and your dc. Leave that tosser in the dirt behind you because people like him will never be truly happy. You will though x

Paperbagsaremine · 19/12/2023 11:44

I just don’t know what my plan is

Take copies of all financial paperwork so any discrepancies in his Form E can be spotted.

Ring round divorced friends and ask for recommendations for solicitors.

Embrace the merciful numbness.

Write "this too shall pass" on your hand every morning.

And see if you have any mates who will take you out running or walking or cycling.

It does get better, I promise you. I have SO many stories of betrayed women who are now living their best lives with lovely new partners. So many. Hard to think of ones who don't, TBH. So KOKO.

momtoboys · 19/12/2023 16:25

I'm so sorry this happened. You deserve so much better. I can imagine it seems all scary now, but you will be better off without him and the constant worrying about his behavior.