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Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
Edders71 · 14/07/2023 11:24

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 10:56

I also think it's significant that he's very off about you going out on your own.

I don't know many men who are like that who aren't cheaters themselves.

There are 4 women in my Mum's family - 2 had husbands who accepted them going out on their own with equanimity, 2 did not.

The 2 who did not, 1 is s repeated proven cheater and touched up women (including relatives by marriage) at parties. The other hasn't been caught outright cheating but I heard he's a strip club (and maybe brothel) crawler when on trips away, and he has strippers at every significant event.

My conclusion is that the cheaters don't like their partners going out on their own.

This.

He’s judging you by his own standards.

Horrible situation for you OP, I hope you can find the right path for you.

SallyWD · 14/07/2023 11:26

The fact that they kissed on the lips is very telling. I can't belive it was the first time. You only kiss someone on the lips that you've been previously intimate with (in my opinion!).
Also, yes it's natural to give someone's hand a little hold if they're upset but not to sit there holding hands for an extended period of time.
As for him saying he felt sorry for her and that's why he did it - rubbish! Would he be sitting holding hands and kissing on the lips some bloke or a 90 year old woman? It's clearly sexual.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 11:27

an unavoidable biological change is happening in him

WTAF lmao.

What biological change is that?

Mens testosterone and erectile function generally decreased with age, so what hormonal/biological change is "causing" them to cheat?

A female poster on here blamed the menopause and hormonal changes for cheating on and leaving her husband (who was faithful to her, he must have been one of the (many) men who do not cheat does to mid life crises) ..... She got short thrift. As she should have.

Whether it was really the menopause or not, her husband could not be would not recover from her cheating and leaving him .... And rightly so.

Why should women stick by men who act that way, when men wouldnt ( correctly,) stick by women who act that way.

And if it's so impossible to resist the mix life crisis cheating effect - how come so many people of both sexes do?

Silvered · 14/07/2023 11:29

I really fucking hate the whole "keep him" narrative. As if he's some errant Jack Russell that needs to be brought to heel, rather than a pathetic middle-aged man who has control over his choices and actions.

Simonlebonbon · 14/07/2023 11:29

If your DH was known to be tactile and someone others confided in. If he was known to give those struggling a handhold, then I'd be fine.
I once was dating a manager of mine and the amount of female colleagues who'd send me messages saying, "your fella was so kind today when I had a bit of a wobble" type messages so I understand that's typical for some people.

This doesn't sound like your DH though? I'm sorry OP, I think I'd really struggle to come back from this.

Ask him to leave for a bit once you're all home, see how you feel without him there.

Thoughtful2355 · 14/07/2023 11:30

I would be out of that marriage so fast. its the lack of respect and the fact you will never trusthim again.

Cherry2010 · 14/07/2023 11:30

I know I’m a bit naive, but I always wonder how these situations happen. I mean, what woman holds hands and kisses a married man (on holiday with his family) …I say this whilst on holiday, looking out at couples and families by the pool…random meet ups like this I just find bizzare.
but I would say this: he will have done it before 100%, that behaviour would not be new.

Weefreetiffany · 14/07/2023 11:31

Sorry OP. I wouldn’t accept this. A kiss like that is cheating, given the rest of what you’ve shared, doubly so. My husband is always a lot more tactile after we’ve had sex, hand holding etc. I read it like yours has been following his dick around and has the post sex hormones in full swing to encourage hand holding and bold public displays to not his wife. I would be divorcing him.

Also anyone can say they’re on holiday with their work colleague. He could be her pimp, her lover, tinder date looking for a no string attached threesome. It all seems sordid. Is this the kind of man that deserves a wife and family? One who doesn’t care if they’re sick or put out? If my husband or I were that intimate with another person and so disregarding of the other and the kids it would be over in a shot.

Weefreetiffany · 14/07/2023 11:33

Are you still on holiday? I’d be confronting the woman and her “colleague” if so. Straight up say “have you been fucking my husband?” She’ll be shocked and you’ll hav your answer.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 11:34

Even if he wasn't setting your spidey sense off with his interaction with this woman, and even if you hadn't caught him holding hands with, having one on one cosy chats with and being "pecked" on the lips by this woman .....

Hes actually been treating your and your family like shit on this holiday.

Staying out to.all hours when you're sick. Not taking turns with sick kids, not bothering to return with a key when you're locked out do you're having to get spare keys off hotel staff, prioritising socialising with a new group he's met etc etc

He sounds like a selfish, cavalier disrespectful asshole before you even get into the behaviour with the other woman.

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 11:38

Oh and the fact that your dd, when sick, would only want you and not him (if I've picked that up right) says a lot too.

Strawberrycocktail · 14/07/2023 11:43

I did wonder too if they might already have known one another. How much do you know about this woman and her holiday companion? Do they live near you? Did they mention where they work? I would be wondering if there was any prior contact before the holiday. Either that or your DH has very quickly got close to a relative stranger whilst largely ignoring his wife and family. Although you have been ill and he hasn't he hasn't shown the level of concern towards you that most partners would. My trust in him would be reduced after this and I would probably be considering any late evening 'work' events or meetings with a bit of suspicion for a while at least until I got a better sense of what may be going on.

horseyhorsey17 · 14/07/2023 11:43

Cherry2010 · 14/07/2023 11:30

I know I’m a bit naive, but I always wonder how these situations happen. I mean, what woman holds hands and kisses a married man (on holiday with his family) …I say this whilst on holiday, looking out at couples and families by the pool…random meet ups like this I just find bizzare.
but I would say this: he will have done it before 100%, that behaviour would not be new.

I know! That's so weird. I am going on holiday as a single parent with my teenage kids and I can't imagine copping off with anyone with them actually there, let alone someone who's there with his family. Just seems bizarre. Maybe that's the thrill though - that your family might catch you?! Euuuuuwwww.

Coleslawclara · 14/07/2023 11:45

Surely this is a set up and he knew she would be there?

Are you sure he didn’t poison you somehow so you’d be out of the picture?!

LadyJ2023 · 14/07/2023 11:46

I can never imagine my hubby leaving me to deal with our sick kids infact all 4 were so bad a few weeks ago with a sick bug that he managed to change his work days unknown to me till he had sorted it so he could help

SallyWD · 14/07/2023 11:49

Coleslawclara · 14/07/2023 11:45

Surely this is a set up and he knew she would be there?

Are you sure he didn’t poison you somehow so you’d be out of the picture?!

Gosh there's a terrifying thought! But it seems strangely plausible somehow.

BlastedPimples · 14/07/2023 11:49

You were ill. Your daughter is ill. And your h is off listening to some random woman's tales of woe?

That alone is a sackable offence.

And the rest, what an utter skank of a man. Not looking out for his family at all and then betraying his wife.

zerofuchsgivenTBH · 14/07/2023 11:52

What an idiot he is and so disrespectful.

I don't know what you should do in the short term.

I think it's pretty unacceptable behaviour.

Pull back, take time, think about what you want, go out and get it.

Is this what you want?

Maybe you stay with him and forgive him, maybe you don't. But definitely give yourself time and space to think things over in your own time, and talk to others to get their views on him and your marriage.

He would need to do a lot more soul searching than he's done so far to earn my time and energy after that behaviour, that's for sure.

Thepossibility · 14/07/2023 11:52

This isn't the first time.
This is the first time he was caught.
Bullshit the first time ever was while his family were all there. He got sloppy.

EvelynKatie · 14/07/2023 11:54

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 10:55

Are you sure he didn't know her before the holiday?

Seems odd she went on holiday with a male colleague and he was happy to play the patsy whilst she got off with a bloke.

This!

Strawberrycocktail · 14/07/2023 11:58

I also wondered how you came to choose that holiday? Was it his choice by any chance? Any the poisoning suggestion, yes extreme but possible if you were vomiting for 6 days. However, you will probably be extra vigilant about things generally for a while so will start to get a sense of what the bigger picture is if there is more to it than a one-off indiscretion.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/07/2023 12:01

I'm afraid this is my general view of many men these days- and it's not always the obvious ones- we've just been on holiday and were chatting to a sensible couple (60s) I didn't mention it to my H but the bloke was certainly giving me the glad eye when I was talking to him on his own. I think some of them do it to see if they 'get a reaction' and get an ego boost from it , rather than wanting to take it further - hot weather and booze I think is in the equation too - I would be furious too OP - and if you are anything like me will see them in a different light and be far less trusting .

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:02

EvelynKatie · 14/07/2023 11:54

This!

Show quote history

Definitely didn’t know each other, of that I’m sure. Obviously 100% on him, but felt like she was looking for an ego boost. I sat with her one afternoon, listening to her troubles and mentioned to dh then that it felt like she was jealous of me, of our life. She was no simpering vulnerable woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 12:05

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 11:38

Oh and the fact that your dd, when sick, would only want you and not him (if I've picked that up right) says a lot too.

We’re very close, I’ve been a sahm, he works a lot, she’s 16 but still the natural role we’d fall into. She loves her dad but we are v close. She’s had mental Heath probs and some sh and I’ve supported her through it.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 14/07/2023 12:08

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:36

It felt off to me. I’ve never seen him hold anyone’s hand before. Not his him mums when his dad passed etc. It could have been just supportive, but why was his supporting some random woman on holiday rather than his wife?!

Show quote history

There's your answer he didn't comfort his own Mother but can
" comfort " a strange female. This will always be in the back of your mind...what if I hadn't got up to look for him ?

What a slimball no affection for you and his family....plenty for a lone female.