Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

I think it's more a case of they don't find what they are looking for in certain people. Or potential dates cotton on to their narcissism and scarper.

No.

Most are completely oblivious to their own shortcomings or their delusional thinking.

But what does happen is that people who are more able to push back/ avoid narcissistic behaviour are less likely to get into the relationship. So, for example, if I had gone on a few dates with exBIL and he then started to whine that I was working too much and not spending enough time with him (as he did to SIL), I'd have ended that relationship then and there - I have no time for that. Unfortunately, SIL took on board that she should make more effort <glares at PIL and the lessons they taught her>.

Similarly, if DH had disappeared off for days at a time every time we had an argument in the beginning, I'd have ended the relationship. Again, sadly, that didn't happen with SIL - he told her that he did it because he was traumatised from previous terrible relationships/his childhood, and he just needed her patience etc.... instead, he used sulking as a control tactic for the next 15 years.

I am not better than SIL, just different. A narcissist wouldn't get far with me (exBIL absolutely loathes me with every fibre of his being).

@GerbilsForever24 makes sense.

Everybody has preferences.

Some narcissists are really attracted to strong, confident women. Perhaos because they hope some of that shine will rub off on them.

Some like meek, maliable sorts because something in them recgonises they like to be in control.

Depends on the person.
And what they want from you.

I think they know exactly what they're looking for.

I think my ex looks for partners who allow him to keep his victim charade and who cheer him along and allow him to look good and facilitate his needs. I guess if he dated someone who didn’t look capable of this he’d just move on. It can’t be a coincidence the ladies he’s dated have all been the same, loyal, empathetic and compassionate.

No, I think it’s more only certain folks will put up with it, others won’t and there is no relationship to be had.

Yes, absolutely. But whether or not he's doing this consciously, it's impossible to say. But he might get chatting to a woman who is NOT like this, and inevitably, within a few chats or dates, he or she would have ended it.

Some women feel that compassion and sympathy for a "victim" and others are less so. I am less so, hence a boss laughing outright many many years ago when a blind date was suggested for me and it turned out the man involved still lived with his mum.... my boss knew immediately I'd be totally turned off by that. He was right.

I know a woman who got into a relationship with a man who had just declared bankruptcy AND who claimed it was entirely the fault of his ex. In addition, the stress of it apparently made it so that he could not do additional work or try to earn more. I was sympathetic (this was before I knew about red flags!), but, in a relatively new relationship myself, I knew that I wouldn't have been interested in such a man, even if that made me a bit of a cow. I didn't want to have to work that hard in a new relationship, be forced into moving in together early (which is what happened with my friend) or deal with the endless stress and trauma of it.

They are attracted to the givers like honeys to bee. Usually there is a dynamic whereby people who get hooked with narcs are overly giving and selfless. It’s quickly cottoned onto my predatory people.

This - I was.

As. They definitely have a radar for the more vulnerable be it emotional, financial or whatever. Anything to create a kind of dependency and therefore control.

Let the love bombing begin.

They consciously or otherwise go for people they can manipulate, that can be a variety of people. Love bombing plus subtle/gradual damage to that person’s confidence follows.

Yea “vulnerable” feels like the right word.

Agree a thousand times

No I think what happens is people that won’t tolerate their crap realise pretty quickly that they don’t want to continue seeing them, or they stand up for themselves or call the narcissist out on the behaviour which obviously narcissists hate and then the narcissist bins them off, which is what happens with my MIL. They typically end up with highly empathetic people and those with low self esteem who excuse and tolerate their behaviour. Narcs don’t realise they’re narcs so I don’t think they purposely looks for people to become victims, they just pick people who behave the way they want someone to, which is to worship them and be incredibly passive.

I don’t think it is necessarily a conscious thing but for partner relationships those with narcissistic tendencies definitely tend to be attracted to who

• In general have a lot going for them so will look good to others
• Are very empathic, trusting and giving (to the point of low boundaries)
• Usually also have some vulnerability or need that can be used to gain control of them (hurt in past, financially vulnerable, really want kids, visa expiring, etc)

@GerbilsForever24 great post.

There’s a theory called the Shark Cage which uses the metaphor of having a cage to protect us from predators. Some of us have bars missing from our cages, often due to our upbringing.

It explains why one person will recoil at a red flag that another person cannot see. Some of those red flags can be “nice” too - men who want to treat me like a princess, or put me on a pedestal trigger an alarm for me.

My sister is a narc and she tries to mould her partner into a sort of servant ..... The ones who kick back against that or who can't be moulded like that move on; the ones who can be moulded in that way (two so far and she's 55) stay with her for as long as she chooses to keep them.

The first one got cheated on repeatedly and eventually dumped (while they were engaged) for a man she was more interested in.

The second one is still there. Their relationship is intensely codependent. He is like her chauffeur, cleaner, banker, servant, listening post, cheer leader etc rolled into one. He left his long-term wife (with whom he had y kids ranging from adults down to 7 when he left) and they conspired with tremendous dedication to make sure his ex wife and kids would get the least they could possibly get of "his" money (from pension, assets, compensation etc).

(Conversely she had reported that he is sexually coercive/cavalier about enthusiastic consent .... Which goes to show that these things can often be complicated).

I'm separated from my husband and he's got a lot of narcissistic traits. I don't think he consciously picked me but I'm the oldest of a big, chaotic family and I think he was instantly attracted to being looked after by me and it was natural for me to put him first because it was all I knew. I think the Shark Cage theory is valid for my situation.

I also think he picked me because I reflected well on him. He really cared about public opinion. At one stage I did a course and in private he was scathing of me upskilling and really made it difficult to study. But I met a friend of his, who was involved in local politics, and she said he had told her all about my course and was so proud of me. He wouldn't even have realised he was being a hypocrite, it was just second nature to him to boast.

Narcissists don't wait for the perfect partner, they just go through people like loo roll until they find a partner who fits the bill. Vulnerable, low self-esteem, very low standards for behaviour, and near zero boundaries.

@Aquamarine1029 You just described me as a young adult. 40 now and 4 years free after 12 years married and no longer like that!!

they just go through people like loo roll until they find a partner who fits the bill.

Oh fk that is brilliant lol.

Thats such a troupe.

You absolutely don't have to have low self esteem to wind up dating a narcissist.

Not if they slow boil you like a frog being warmed up in a pan. Especially so if you have never encountered their kind before or don't know about narcissists.

This is exaclt the reason there's so much victim blaming around. The suggestion that the fault is somehow with the abused because of some sort of flaw in their own personality.

It's human nature to think the person who's been nice to us for the first 6 months or so, IS nice. And to assume we've simply misunderstood them if they start to change.

It's a studied phenomenon that we are more likely to attribute positive traits to people we see on a regular basis.

As for poor boundaries.. again that's not necessary from the start either. Because narcissists erode boundaries. They are experts at finding weak spots.

Unless you can spot what they are early on qnd get away, you can have the healthiest self esteem qnd best boundaries in the world but with enough time and proximity, they'll wear them down. They have a multitude of techniques to accomplish it.

Look up couple fit or unconscious couple fit. Agree with the PP who say that the relationship/dating quickly fizzles out if the other person doesn’t tick the boxes, so the ones that last may seem to have similar/the same characteristics and attributes as those that don’t wouldn’t last.

My narc brother was only ever interested in people (as friends as well as girlfriends) who treated him like he was someone incredibly special that they were lucky to be involved with. He very quickly moved on from anyone who didn't do this. Since there really wasn't anything particularly extra-ordinary about him (he wasn't unusually attractive, funny, wealthy, clever etc- although he clearly thought he was) the only people who behaved as he wanted were fairly insecure. Although I don't think he was consciously victimising them he definitely played on their insecurities and pushed at their boundaries to make sure they continued to fear losing him and do things his way. His friendships/relationships almost always started with him persuading someone that he was being treated badly by other friends/previous girlfriend. They would then become his champion for a while (often falling out with other friends etc in the process) and make excuses for any pleasant behaviour. After a while he would push them too far and either they or he would cut ties and he'd complain about them to the next potential friend/girlfriend. In his case he tried his 'charm' on everyone and just continued relationships with those who gave him the response he was looking for.