Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

Hi all. I'm not sure if any of you have seen the videos produced by this lady on you tube but thyre so informative and explain narcissism in such an easy to understand way.

Her you tube channel is called looking behind the mirror. The link is below.

I wonder if narcissists can keep that side of them hidden until the relationship becomes established. I'm not sure.

My ex was a covert narcissist and I had no idea until I could look back on it.

They are massively difficult relationships to overcome. I couldn't believe my luck at the start and when he discarded me for someone 12 years younger than me I couldn't believe it.

Now I can see he's done it for one reason only, and that is because she is naive, vulnerable and easier to control.

Wankers the lot of them.

My Narc ex had always gone for a certain type - difficult relationship history, party girl, big drinker, did recreational drugs - and I was the complete opposite. He tried to mould me into someone I wasn’t and when I didn’t turn into a clone of his previous partners that’s when the gaslighting ramped up.

Since we split 3 years ago, he firstly went back to the ex he dumped for me and is now with another who fits his criteria.

So in his case yea he knew who to target and I was an anomaly who he tried but failed with.

Apparently going back to someone they were already with before is very common.

Don't be surprised if a narc ex still tries to make contact again after many years. They often use special occasions to reach out and hoover people back in..

They 'recycle' previous partners and those who they have 'kept on the shelf so to speak'.

To them people are only there for them to use and abuse. Whether they are treating others good or putting others down, it feeds their ego when they watch the way we react to how they treat us..

Is there a ‘sliding scale’ of narcissism, does anyone think? Or is it just a case that some narcissists know to hide the worst parts of their behaviour? Is it possible to stop being one or is a narcissist unable to recognise that they are one and therefore unable to recover from it?

I think there are people with proper disorders who intentionally set out to cause harm and then there is a scale of others. I’ve read it’s a defence mechanism to cover there low self worth and ego. They constantly need propping up which is impossible in healthy relationships, it’s a two way street but with them it’s only one way.

Yes. I agree.. It's a defence mechanism.

I hope I'm explaining this correctly but I read that narcissists need external valuation from others to feel good about themselves.

People without narcissism don't need to rely on others to gain a sense of self worth. We can be happy internally without others feeding our ego.

Because narcissists have no sense of self worth it is more difficult for them to be happy internally so they gain their sense of self worth by putting people down, treating others badly and from people who stroke their ego.

This feeds their need for power, control and dominance. That's why when people go no contact with them they can't handle it because there is no longer anyone around for them to abuse and they can't get that external validation that they need to be fed.

This explains why they often need to get into a new relationship really quickly after a breakup. It's like a cycle.

@CheekyHobson We seemed to have a very similar experience. Ex is a master of image management - I look back and think how he manipulated situations and compartmentalisd people who perhaps may have given indications to his past behaviours.

I was not the only one fooled by him so I feel unlucky to have been targetted by him..and I was targetted.

I was perhaps naive to disordered individuals but I didn't think I needed to be a psychologist to date.

@Christonskiis mine has a girlfriend now 14 years younger, he is 47 and they had a baby within a year. For a while I thought id been replaced by someone better, more able to meet his needs but now I realise she is young and vulnerable and makes him look good and feeds his supply. I thank my lucky stars everyday now that I managed to scrape together to courage to leave that marriage.

@Jenypenny when l left my ex lost the plot for a while, writing these weird letters about how empty he felt and how he had no identity. He very quickly signed up to dating sites and found his worth again in a much younger lady. As long as she feeds him I’m sure it will go well. Im thankful I left that relationship.

I do think we all seek eternal validation to an extent, probably why there is a sliding scale. Im more the kind of person who looks to there own wrongdoings when things go bad rather then a narcissist who blames everyone else. Probably why I stayed so long, I’ve learnt that lesson tho.

Those people who have been in a relationship that started well and the mask slipped once you were too deep in to easily get out - would you say the narcissist coped with being told ‘No’ in the good days? I’m closely watching the behaviour of my sister’s partner - there has been no sign of moodiness, he’s seems accepting of boundaries and respectful of No and can laugh at himself. My daughter says she has bad vibes from him. Can narcissists pretend all the above?

I also wonder if narcissists can be genuinely sympathetic when someone is ill or upset?

@Janeaustensquill narcissists are not the only "bad" people out there. How old is your daughter? If she's getting a bad vibe from him, is it because she senses something inappropriate sexually, for example, that you don't because you're older?

The ones I've known or heard about, the red flags were there all the time, they were just not obvious. It was the man who loved you so much he just wants to spend more time with you or the kind man who didn't want you coming home on public transport late so would drive to fetch you or the man who would send you off to your event "happily" but you'd be feeling vaguely guilty because he looked sad....

@SperaT Can't speak for narcissists specifically but I think shitty partners and/or abusers can only feel genuine sympathy if it doesn't impact them. So they might feel bad for someone else, but they won't feel bad for you if it means they have to do the childcare or cook the dinner or miss that event.

Do they feel sorry??hmmm I don’t think they in the same reality as the rest of us.

I remember my daughter who was 3 needed and operation a cannula put in. She asked for daddy to go with whilst they put it in. He came out the room visibly shaken. I said ahhh is she ok, was is horrible to watch them doing. His response was thanks for making me go in now my daughter is going to hate me. Not what I expected, she asked for him to go in. What’s he worried about that for, he was there for her. All he worried about was what she thought of him and he was mad with me.

They don’t see things to same way. I remember when my dad passed away he wasn’t bothered. After a while I said to him what on earth is going on why are you being so cold. It turned out when he someone pass away he deemed me not to feel sad enough so that’s why he didn’t care. It’s all very transactional. Once he sensed I was pulling away he then decided to become my knight in shining armour and save me from my grief. It was too late by then.

@GerbilsForever24 thank you - my daughter is in her 20s - I don’t think it’s a sexual vibe from what she’s said. Can’t quite get to the bottom of it.

I nursed my narc ex through his recovery from major surgery for several months and got ‘you never really cared’ and ‘so and so (name of random acquaintance) was only person who helped me - you didn’t’ thrown back on my face.

But any time I was unwell I was accused to faking it to ruin his night and told he would go out without me as I wasn’t going to spoil his plans with my drama Queen act.

The more people become aware of this cruel behaviour the better they will be able to protect themselves.

If you didn't know, there's lots of help on the Internet.

You have Lee Hammock, Ben Taylor, Danish Bashir, and (I don't know her name) , but a woman who has a channel called 'Looking Behind the Mirror". She is so good at explaining this awful behaviour. Her videos make so much sense.

I never understood what narcissism was, but I have been able to heal from abuse thanks to these people.

If you are suffering from this abuse, go onto You tube, and get relief from watching some of these videos.

It will all make sense to you.

After being on Mumsnet a while I now realise that I had a lucky escape from a former boyfriend though I use the term loosely as we had only been dating 2 months. In short he accused me of lying about something I had told him. So I just repeated the facts as I knew them. I think looking back he expected me to beg him not to dump him and say how sorry I was. I was very annoyed about it as I was getting to really like him.
Met up with him a few months later definitely not a date and he told me that he liked to set tests for girlfriends.

Years later a friend was at an event when 2 women approached her and asked if her friend which was me had dated thus guy and she said yes. They then told her I had a lucky escape as he had married their friend and the impression was given he wasn't exactly a good husband to her.

He liked to 'set tests for girlfriends' .. For what?... What a psycho..!

You were definitely fortunate to get out of that relationship. Your life could easily have been turned upside down or ruined.

This thread is uncomfortably close to victim blaming in places.

I find it fascinating that posters are excusing the behaviour of narcs as a defence mechanism.

There is no excuse for treating other people in the way that narcs do.

Have any of you read this book?
https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/

It explains that unhealthy relationships have one person who is too giving/codependent and one who is a taker/selfish, but there are degrees:
https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/continuum-of-self-values-personality-type-breakdown-csv-sheet/

I found it really enlightening. I'm trying to set boundaries and not tolerate unreasonable selfish behaviour from my spouse now, but disappointingly he doesn't seem able to change

I'm not victim blaming. I hope what I said didn't come across as if I were and if it did I apologise.

I wasted 25 years with a narcissist. I am a victim too. I have been no contact for over 2 years.

I was trying to explain why they behave the way they do, but it definitely doesn't excuse their behaviour.

Narcissism begins in childhood due to abuse. Most narcissists feel a deep sense of shame and often put on a fake persona because they feel that people wouldn't like them if they didnt.

They have no sense of self worth. They are comfortable with dysfunctional relationship dynamics because often from childhood that's what thy're used to.

None of this excuses their abusive behaviour but may help explain it.

MrsGuySecretan..

Thanks for the link about the books.

The more awareness there is of these disorders, the more people will be in a better position to protect themselves.