Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

I agree, you don’t need to be vulnerable. They just gradually chip away until they find people’s weak spots.

I think that it can work both ways there are people who are attracted to people who treat them badly and look for it even if they are not aware. People can only treat you badly if you let them

@EmmaPaella

There is vulnerability there or often just a naivety/lack of awareness around dark personalities. Perhaps the individual had an idyllic childhood whereby respect and kindness was the norm. These types tend to see the good in everyone and whilst admirable does make them vulnerable.

I grew up with a sociopathic father. I won’t go into the details of it all but as a result of this I have a very astute narcissistic radar. I can smell and spot them a mile off to such an extent it’s a gift and I honed this intuition from the moment I was born. The result is I have never attracted a narcissistic relationship into my life and I have quickly cut off people who have displayed such behaviours.

Omg always think this with katie price and her endless victim style moans of the 20-30 people shes married/ dated

Always seems to be the same type of kind, slightly passive man chosen whos then love bombed then mistreated, verbally debased then she spends 10+ yrs harrassing and in pointless litigation with

Always the same type of man tho and always the same outcome ...!

@Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon please tell us more of what to look out for.

My friend is heavily involved with a narcissist. I’m losing hope for her ☹️.

Yes this was me!

This was me

@BlastedPimples

To be honest, it’s more of an intuition thing. I spent a lot of my childhood assessing my fathers moods, watching his behaviours (always charming to the outside of course) and spending many of my formative years walking on eggshells. At the time I never even knew what a narcissist was. When I was 12 he discarded us, walked out the door and never looked back. His parting gift was my ability to sense the mood of a room and pick up on darker energies (which sounds a bit woo, but it isn’t).

I am attracted to narcissistic males but they “feel dangerous” …..instinctively I know that there have been males that would never have been good for me. I guess if I never had my awareness I could have gone down that path. When I met my husband he didn’t feel dangerous to me, I just felt safe. Any sniff of gaslighting, trying to erode weak spots or abuse and he would have been out the door. As it happens his own father was incredibly narcissistic too, so there’s a reason why we fit together quite nicely. My husband is also very intuitive.

I’ve had some awful bosses in the past but I quickly move on as I am sensitive to dark energies and I just simply cannot be around any sort of negativity. I guess that’s a part of it too. I have a very low tolerance for negativity which has roots in my childhood where I spent many years feeling unsafe.

I longed for peace…. So when I got it. I sure as hell weren’t gonna go back… Hope that conveys what I was trying to articulate.

I'm definitely naive and the opposite of you.

My last partner showed signs from early on but I remember thinking to myself some men probably do have a rubbish time and believing him. Also, he is charming and charismatic. He was believable as a nice guy.

As the relationship progressed it was like he wanted to be the star of the show and the person to sort me out (admittedly, I'm a mess but I'm a happy one).

I could see that he wanted to be my saviour and in his words "to protect me".

That was when it all clicked into place and I realised the scarf of red flags was more than sufficient reason to end it.

The ones I know settled down very early and have controlled their partners systematically for years.

@BounceyB

Awful isn’t it? I have three kids. Respect, kindness etc is all they know. One in particular is very empathic, always sees the good in people, loves to please and is 100 percent a giver. He’s literally a walking target…. Whereas my daughter is a bit smarter in that respect, less naive. All I can do is educate them though I guess and hope they find people who are kind and not predatory.

I'm just out of a 3 year relationship with one and can categorically say that low self esteem absolutely is not a factor.

I was confident and bubbly before I met him and for the first while but by the end I was a complete shell as they abuse you so subtly. It took me 3 months and a few hundred pounds worth of therapy to realise this however.

He totally removed my boundaries, which I was firm on from the start...by the end I was accepting of his drug taking and stealing from his work, 2 things I morally completely disagree with bit the way they manipulate you is scary.

He was coercively controlling and sexually assaulted me multiple times, I am now in the process of reporting to the police but unsure as to whether I will give a statement as if I do that, the direction the case will go is to court.

They are fucking awful people and mine had someone 11 years his junior lined up before he left me. I worry for her as she will be much more easy to control than I was.

A person who has had a number of partners before hear their partner rubbish their exes then the new partner beleives it all

Isn't there something somewhere that makes general you think?

Perhaps the individual had an idyllic childhood whereby respect and kindness was the norm. These types tend to see the good in everyone and whilst admirable does make them vulnerable.

@Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon

Absolutely, this was me. The only prior experience I had of people like my ex was a couple of bad bosses, and I simply quit those jobs.

The biggest barrier to me clearly seeing how my ex was lying to me through our relationship was my inability to believe that someone who was so lovely early on and who professed to love me would actually be lying to my face and betraying me. It just didn’t compute. People “just don’t do that.”

I had it stuck in my head that seeing the best in people was a good quality and it was actually very difficult to allow myself to believe that he actually might be as awful as I suspected. Narcissists are also professionals at acting the victim, which sows massive self-doubt in anyone who tends to be very empathic and loathe to hurt others.

Interesting to see others with dark triad parents steering well clear. 100% understand immediately recognising sociopathy, narcissism, dark intent (covert narcissim as a defence to low self esteem) etc

I grew up with a mum diagnosed manic depressive but probably borderline / no empathy (?) always the victim, cruel and self obsessed (the witch or pathetic borderline mother) and a father also with limited empathy who beat and verbally abused my sister (probably autistic) and made me a golden child. Both have done horribly cruel things to me.

But i just think lifes for living and have a 'whatever i do as an adult is never as bad as my childhood' and luckily am smart and v aware of others / good social skills from navigating age 0-16 shitshow (homeless at 16). Married a lovely caring man at 20 and made it in finance career.

Dark personalities really scare me.

What a good post.

My parents are a narcissist and an enabler. My sister was golden child, I the scapegoat. My sister is also a narc, married an enabler and has repeated golden child/scapegoat with her own two kids.
Narcissism should be taught in school. It wasn't until my last relationship which ended a year ago, and a grand's worth of therapy, that I saw it clearly. I can smell them now. It is a gift that I wish I had twenty plus years ago.

I believe narcissist general only stay in longer relationships with co-dependent people. Healthy people tend to steer clear pretty quickly after seeing toxic behaviour.

I suspect my mum was narc and my dad enabled her as “she had a bad childhood”, she was very much a victim and I was scared of her. My brother was the golden child. It’s odd I then went on to marry a narcissist man just like her. He used my childhood against me. I was very quickly living my childhood all over again for a decade and doing my best to please him into treating me better. I wish I’d had that radar.

I think they either seek out people who are already co-dependent, or they manipulate otherwise healthy people into becoming so.
I was taken in by the love bombing, the gifts, the opening himself up about his poor childhood, his bad exes, and all his vulnerable innermost thoughts. Then the little things crept in with the put-downs, the interrupting, the hours of extended monologues about himself without listening to me, unsolicited advice, the mood swings and silent treatment if I said the wrong word to upset him. All the while I excused him because I loved him and believed his excuses that he'd just not slept well and that I'd provoked him.
I felt so entrapped and afraid of losing him that I went along with his sexual coercion (that he emotionally blackmailed me for by threatening suicide), and I didn't even realise until going through therapy that he'd also sexually assaulted me. I was extremely dissociated. I self-harmed and almost killed myself.
A lot of this relationship happened during lockdown when I was already isolated. I'd say to everyone to never neglect your friends and family and find people to confide in. If you don't have someone, find a support group, phone a support line, or ask Mumsnet. Keep a journal so you can see the patterns of behaviour over time. A healthier version of me with support would have ended the relationship much much sooner. I spent three years with this guy and now have many months of therapy ahead of me.

Narcissist people are addicted to adoration so I guess they need to keep the victim in a state of need. Addicted people end up with enablers. I suppose that’s we end up becoming as we get addicted to the highs and lows. I’m not sure I started off co-dependant but certainly became one.

Maybe instead of pondering about narcissists we need a thread for Recovering Co-dependents, where we celebrate our small wins from overcoming people pleasing and setting better boundaries.

I started off confident and over the course of time my personality was gradually stripped away from me. They never reveal their true personality until their know you have feelings for them and then gradually the put downs creep in, and it gradually gets worse from there..

It makes you more aware of this terrible behaviour.

When I see these traits in other people that person is cut off straight away. I don't give any more second chances.

If I can't cut them off because I work with them, or whatever, I severely limit my interactions with them.

I do this because I have to preserve my mental health.

I’d be up for that.

@Jenypenny same. I was quite confident with good self esteem. But my life was not theoretically perfect and he latched on to that. He’d subtly make me feel too old (at 25) not clever enough, not successful enough, not fit enough, not in a good enough job etc. That my friends didn’t like me enough.

But thanks to him I can also spot this a mile off now.