Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

I’m sure there is a lady out there who lives to dote on there partner and be grateful to them all the time and bow to them. That wasn’t me and that was what he wanted. I’m in a more suitable relationship now where if I’m feeling frustrated or tired or having a bad day I don’t need to hide away in fear of not being allowed to be those things. I don’t need to fake feeling nothing anymore.

I've learnt that by going for a 'younger woman' or 'having a baby' or 'moving in', is not because they care. It's far from it.

It's all to do with manipulation and, 'ownership' and having a place to live with someone who will serve their needs. End of!

A narcissist may feel that a younger woman may be more easy to manipulate and by having a baby the woman is now more trapped into the abusive relationship as there's now a child involved and it will be more difficult for her to leave.

She was most likely 'love bombed' and had no idea what was coming. Plus narcissists like to 'move fast' so even if she had her 'doubts' or saw a few red flags, she most likely brushed them aside because on the whole at the start of a relationship narcissists come across as good people right!? and we reason that people can't be perfect can they?

Narcissists think they own their partners and feel that they have the right to tell them what to do. We've all experienced it.

The child in the relationship will simply be used against the non narcissistic parent as a pawn.

Anything the victim does in the relationship will be stored up in the mind of the narcissist, and used against the victim. This is why we can't trust a narcissist, or tell a narcissist anything, they will always use what we say or do against us. We know how they will twist the truth, and shout over us when we try to correct them or defend ourselves.

They try to get us to conform to their own version of reality.

We often hear of narcissistic parents using children against their partners, by threatening to take the children away, or threatening to tell authorities the partner is an unfit parent etc.

This is to keep the victim in the relationship so the narcissist can continue the abuse.

From the outside it may look like the narcissist has settled down and is treating someone else better, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The new partner may be suffering even worse now that a child is involved.

My father is so fundamentally dishonest, including with himself, that he would never realise or admit to it but his choice of partner was perfect for his narc needs. My mum was very young, underconfident, raised by controlling parents - so didn't know any different - and had money of her own which he could use to enhance his status. She has never been able to assert herself, let alone consider leaving him. It is no fun being the product of their union.

@CountlesScreamingArgonauts thats really sad. My daughter was 3 when I left. I was very much like you describe your mum. Leaving him was the scariest thing I’ve ever done because I hate confrontation, it just turned out I hated being with him more.

She was most likely 'love bombed' and had no idea what was coming. Plus narcissists like to 'move fast' so even if she had her 'doubts' or saw a few red flags, she most likely brushed them aside because on the whole at the start of a relationship narcissists come across as good people right!? and we reason that people can't be perfect can they?

One hundred percent my experience. Had two babies and a massive mortgage (that I paid most of the deposit for) before I started to realise that the lovely man I fell in love was just an act and the real man underneath was a selfish, reckless, incompetent, controlling jerk.

Mrsclattterbuck.. I watched this earlier and thought about what you said.

@Ifyousayso1 you did an amazing thing to get out when your daughter was young. I so wish my mother had left - she is old now, so she never will. I often cry when I think about the kind of life she might have had. My siblings and I are NC with our father, and he makes it difficult for mum to maintain a relationship with us and her grandchildren. She withdraws from us rather than expose herself to more of his narc treatments.

It must have taken so much courage for you to leave.

@CountlesScreamingArgonauts 6 months after I left I had a nervous breakdown. My therapist told me it often happens when the trauma surfaces. I was very scared but the therapist said that you reach a point where you become numb and do it then break after. I used to dream about dying in my sleep so I was free of that life. It was at that point I realised I had to leave otherwise my daughter wouldn’t have a mum. He drove me to not want to live. Horrible man

I can relate. These people are highly abusive and manipulative. We can only take so much.

I hope your in a better place now. Hopefully therapy will help you get rid of all of your trauma.

Sending all of you peace. 🙏

No. I'd think they go for women they deem a challenge ie doesnt have low self-esteem, is doing pretty well in life. The challenge is to break a woman down, a woman with low self-esteem in the 1st place won't do it for them. Maybe only as an object of scorn for a time until quickly bored. But I'd not waste brain matter on analysing them. Its just another way of mentionitis, keeping a bad person present in your life via thoughts of them. Its hard to get over a narcissist, time is the best healer but also pethaps therapy to help you move on is best.

Do narcissists go for a certain type of person.

Lee Hammock is a diagnosed narcissist who is in therapy for his disorder. This video is his thoughts on the subject.

I hope you all don't mind me sharing these videos. I know they may not fully align with the title of this post but I feel its important to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse. The more we understand it the better will be to protect ourselves.

This from pinkbonbon is 100%. The last paragraph is essential: "Unless you can spot what they are early on and get away, you can have the healthiest self esteem and best boundaries in the world but with enough time and proximity, they'll wear them down. They have a multitude of techniques to accomplish it."

^^

There are a few of these guys on youtube claiming they are narcissists, but if narcissism is just an unhealthy mostly unconscious way of getting needs met, and most narcissists never ever feel they are to blame, then it seems to follow that narcissists lack the insight to take accountability. These guys like Sam vankin and hg tutor, they have the insight but no desire to begin to get their needs met through honestv communication.

So I think they are more like sociopaths and psychopaths.

I was always a doormat in my 20s in relationships but I could be passive aggressive at work and with friends. As soon as I had the insight to understand what I was doing to get my needs met, I felt pathetic and wanted to do better. Sometimes, I would love some validation, but I cope without it and see it as the wound of childhood neglect. Not all needs can be met.

So these guys who come out online "im a narcissist and this is how we think" I really have my doubts. Neither my mother nor my x was ever anything less than a sainted martyr and I was the problem.

I guess I'm seeing the insight to know that you"re manipulative and selfish with no inclination to be better as a league of its own.

Don't get me wrong, my mother's lack of insight has caused me a lot of damage and pain and it's the reason I ended up gettingv7 more years of it with my x, but she feels the Victom of me. No insight.
Is insight not the pin that bursts "narcissism".
If you have insight and you still use manipulative techniques on people, that goes beyond normal narcissism imo

My experience is that Narcs and users get very friendly very quickly. I'm very wary of people that are over friendly I take it as a red flag .

Absolutely! But you probably had a few experiences of it before you made the connection.

I think lots of people just never think 'someone who seems really friendly and interested in me myself be a dangerous person'.

Until they've seen the pattern.

I'm very wary of people that are over friendly I take it as a red flag.

Yep, whenever someone gives me a compliment so extravagant that I feel the need to downplay it (rather than being able to comfortably say, "Oh thanks, that's very nice of you"), a little alarm bell starts ringing in my head.

Another big red flag is folks who have 2 personalities on the go. One personality is super vivacious, warm, generous, funny and good humoured, that is directed at "high status" people. The other personality is cold, abrupt, succinct and condescending and that's for the lower status people.

Interesting - must admit that I have always instinctively drawn back from folks who seemed to come on a bit strong very fast with the friendliness but partly thought it was maybe because I was why when younger. Or a miserable northerner :)
Similarly have always been wary of flattery.

Shy, not why.

So these guys who come out online "im a narcissist and this is how we think" I really have my doubts. Neither my mother nor my x was ever anything less than a sainted martyr and I was the problem.

Yeah, I agree with this. I think the key defining characteristic of narcissistic personalities is an inability to take responsibility for their own actions. They are always blameless, they are always the victim.

Basically, all children are narcissists. But, hopefully, as they grow and mature and learn, they grow out of it. Some don't.

I agree with this as well.

They are very very good at playing the martyr.

One thing I've come to realise over the years is male narcissists are rewarded in life as they're usually very focussed on their image. material possessions and reputation and us women melt at the knees at that instead of picking the partner who thinks like a team.

It makes sense they'd pick women who further massage their ego but really we need to pick better. So many posts are obsessed with labelling men as 'toxic' 'narcissists' when those exact behaviours are what attracted us in the first place and we went in eyes open.

@Bigmoanbabyg that’s quite untrue in my case. My ex mirrored me and my likes and my values only to slowly change to disliking over a long period of time. Only when leaving did I realise the extent of the difference we were. He pretended to be hippy like. I’m not one for possessions or money, he changed from that to being very much about earning lots of money and tried to force me to follow his beliefs.

What he picked was a loyal and loving women who was accepting of people and compassionate. Someone young with very little experience, certainly of this type of man. He had no money or house etc when we met. He was no egotistic. He had a terrible victim story of his fathers abuse, I fell for it all being young and empathetic. I was a fool!

@Bigmoanbabyg
One thing I've come to realise over the years is male narcissists are rewarded in life as they're usually very focussed on their image. material possessions and reputation

I agree with this...their ability to be completely self focused and manipulative means they do get ahead. Only in reflection can I see how Ex H used partners as stepping stones.

However like @Ifyousayso1 ex mirrored my goals, interests so I genuinely felt I had met someone completely aligned with my (compassionate) values. Once we were commited, he switched and we were apparentely polar opposites.

I can see he has changed to adapt to his current partner and I know she will be blissfully unaware that he is a chameleon.