Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

Leaving means sharing kids with an abuser that you no longer can try and control. It was a hard decision but I got to a point a dreamed of never waking up so I had to leave for them. I remember at the time convincing him that I was leaving for his benefit as I wasn’t good enough for him. Little did I know!

Emotionally healthy people get up and leave the first date. They see the red flags early, well before any kind of attachment has set in.

Then, there's people like me who get hooked into years of misery with someone who will never change.

Emotionally healthy people are turned off quite quickly. They walk.

People with weak boundaries and no strong sense of themself are kind of taken over by their new management. I don't think the narcissist thinks oh here's my perfect partner. More likely they're still really frustrated with their partner for not being even more accommodating and more obliging and more supportive.

Are people weak who get caught by abuse, I’m not sure about this. They don’t start off being abusive, they often, well in my case he was amazing and attentive at the beginning. The abuse started when I was in too far to get out. Moved in, baby, joined finances.

That's harder. If they only show their true colours once it's harder to get out.

Often though on threads on here, as the OP says more about the, there were often red flags at the beginning but they were excused, minimised or ignored. Or women just didn't realise they were red flags - eg 'amazing and attentive' can, in itself, be a red flag. It depends what form it takes.

I don't think it's ever a woman's fault if she's abused in any way. I just find it frustrating that some abusive behaviours/red flags are seen by many as a good thing (eg lovebombing, elementary stalking, some elements of control).

A friend of mine was stalked quite aggressively many years ago. It was only after she and I talked that she began to even be able to believe that it wasn't her fault. I think people had tried to make her feel better but she'd been told by all the professionals she dealt with that it was because he loved her souch; because she was so attractive and he couldn't help himself. She interpreted that as she shouldn't ever get into a relationship amd had to make herself an unattractive as possible to avoid it happening again. She was single for nearly 15 years because she believed she had some inexplicable hold over men that caused them to lose their mind!

I think it’s difficult as a young women. I know I was young and never met a person like him before. In hindsight I can see the flags but they grew so slowly at the time they go unnoticed until you start to realise you’re anxious and depressed all the time and carrying all the blame.

Often though on threads on here, as the OP says more about the, there were often red flags at the beginning but they were excused, minimised or ignored. Or women just didn't realise they were red flags - eg 'amazing and attentive' can, in itself, be a red flag. It depends what form it takes.

Yes. In retrospect, one of the biggest red flags for BIL was the way he inserted himself into our family. Not that he was happy to be included, we're pretty welcoming after all, but the way he pushed the boundaries from the start and any small niggles were dismissed as "he's just so happy to be involved with a lovely family like yours."

Strange question. We all wait for a specific partner.

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism yes I suppose we all do subconsciously or not. Some just do for reasons not so good. Not many people really want to happily sacrifice their needs for another’s even if they think we should.

I've come to conclusion that the most substantial elements of attraction are unconscious in nature. So, yes, narcissists will be attracted to people with poor boundaries and vice versa.

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism I've had several relationships and only one with a narcissist. I believe I was unfortunate in that meeting. My current relationship is healthy. I wouldn’t say I attracted narcissistic people. I would say I get overwhelmed with noise and aggression, I tend to fawn. I don’t think that will ever change, I just stay away from it now.

My boundaries were just fine when I got into my relationship with a narcissist. He just played nice and lied like crazy until I was locked into the relationship through kids and joint finances and then started dropping the mask.

Any red flags that I could have spotted early on were subtle enough to be dismissed as one-offs or minor incidents. With the benefit of 20:20 hindsight, of course I can see them as the start of patterns that eventually worsened, but in a different relationship they could have been innocuous, because everyone makes mistakes and has off days.

It’s only the fact that they were revealed to be part of a pattern over the long term that makes them red flags in retrospect.

Exactly.

Masking is a typical characteristic of narcissists. For a while I thought my high-functioning partner might be on the autistic spectrum as he admitted he put layers of competency over what was actually a very insecure core. Unfortunately as I later found out, he was also emotionally manipulative to the point of being a sociopath, had very little empathy, and acted very entitled. All strong narcissistic traits.

@OhTheSilencemy ex tried to say he had adhd. My current boyfriend actually does and there isn’t a bad bone in his body. Things go over his head but he could never be cruel. It’s a terrible excuse and just another thing to blame the behaviour on other than they just not nice and entitled.

Me too and they go out searching for it. A DF attracts them like moths and falls for the love numbing every single time.

I am pretty sure that exBIL is in the process of targeting his next victim. He isn't consciously thinking, 'ooh, here's an opportunity' but it's pretty clear it's happening. She's recently separated and vulnerable. And he genuinely thinks he's a victim and that SIL has treated him appallingly badly so I suspect they're sharing that "trauma". Meanwhile, she's getting the family home and has a job (he has neither) in her separation and I have no doubt that he'll be ensconced, living there full time any minute. She will feel guilty that in her separation she came out of it okay while he has come out of it with so much less, when clearly he's the injured party.... blah blah blah.

Her friends and family might see the red flags, but they'll probably be convinced, ike we are, that he's a good guy who deserves a break and maybe it will be good for their loved one....

Sorry, her family will be be convinced, like we were, that he's a good guy who deserves a break. One hell of a typo there.

*love bombing!

Narcs like people who they perceive as a pushover. Often they will do things to test boundaries. They don't like people who push back . Often they will remove people who they think are a threat or an obstacle anyway they can. They hate one word NO as they were never told this as a child .

@Ifyousayso1 how funny. My stbxh says he has been diagnosed with ADHD too. Before that, it was Asperger's and then a nervous breakdown. All because he can't control his violent rages and his wandering dick. And the lying. The constant lying to cover his deceitful tracks.

I do wonder what his family and friends will say when he screams in his affair partner's face or even attacks her like he did me. Because the mask will slip. It might takes months, it might take years but it will slip eventually.

Perhaps she will be too scared to say or do anything about it.

I (thankfully) don't have any narcs in my life, but a good friend is exactly as you (and other PPs) describe. She's stunningly beautiful and charming, but also very vulnerable (abused as a child and in relationships, bounced around the foster care system as a teen) with terrible self esteem and is very quick to trust/see the best in everyone.

Every relationship she's been in since I've known her has been with an arsehole with definite narcissistic tendencies who has treated her like absolute crap and then ditched her. It's like she's so desperate for love she will accept any crumbs she's given and still give every part of herself to support whoever is giving the crumbs.

It's so sad, she has so much going for her and is worth so much more.

I never really saw it that that have a unstable inner core. My ex said his dad was abusive, hit his mum and him if he stood in the way.

Ifyousayso1
I never really saw it that that have a unstable inner core. My ex said his dad was abusive,

Similar. I was told 'his parents used to fight' and him and his brother used to have to separate them. All this was said in the most sincere way to gain my trust as if to show that he's not abusive at all and would love to have a family of his own one day to make up for his own childhood.

In many cases it could be true that someone who has been hurt in the past through the behaviour of their parents, when given the opportunity to have their own family, would never want to do anything that would hurt their own family.

They want to break the cycle, so this may not be seen as a red flag as such.

But with a narcissist this can be used as a 'trick' to entice someone into a relationship by making them feel they are going to be safe, and by telling them what they want to hear. This is known as lovebombing (saying all the right things as well as displaying affection etc).

I read that narcissists also like to target people who are 'vulnerable' in some way. I think it's true. I was a single parent.

When someone has been treating you the way you want to be treated, over time you naturally develop feelings for them. This is how relationships work. But with a narcissist this is all just a manipulation to hook you in.

As they get comfortable with the relationship and they feel they have you hooked in then there are likely to be a few red flags. These are probably to 'test the waters' and to see what you're willing to put up with.

At the start of the relationship they seemed so 'genuine and attentive' right? so when we see these red flags, we go against our gut feeling which is "I don't like that they did this and I really think I should end things". Instead we think the opposite or if we discuss their behaviour with them they manipulate us into believing that they don't have a problem the problem is with us.

People with strong self esteem would
end things when these red flags appear, whereas others like me give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt.

Although lovely at the start of a relationship narcissistic people 'gradually' turn into someone who does not respect other people's boundaries, often use name calling, anger, sulking, put downs, gaslighting, mind games financial abuse, emotional abuse, infidelity, cruelty and loads of other disrespectful treatment to disrespect you and often make themselves feel better than you. And when you've had enough they manipulate you into not leaving them.

I believe narcissists are on the lookout for people who lower their boundaries or have no boundaries.

If our boundaries were strong, it would put them off because they'd know they can't manipulate us, but alot of us lower our boundaries because we're in love.

This is my take on the subject, and I'm speaking from 25 years experience. I just didn't have a name for what my partner was doing. I just knew that something was wrong with the way he interacted with people in general.

I think that narcissists go for certain people, who would put up with their shit.

For example, my SIL goes out with narcissist, after narcissist. They all had/have egos the size of a planet. They all think they are gods gift, think they’re loaded and drive fancy cars, when they aren’t, and get uppity when they aren’t given the praise they think they deserve.

I’ve never got on with any of her BF’s, and avoid hanging out with them. One of her ex’s told me to my face that he wouldn’t put up with someone like me, because I used to give him a ribbing about his behaviour or call him out on it. He hated that. Since she’s been with her latest BF I’ve heard no opinions from her lips, and he does all the talking on her behalf.

So, I don’t think most narcissistic men wait for the partner, rather they pick their victims carefully. WRT my SIL, she has no confidence or self esteem, as a result of a narcissist mother, and so sticks to what she knows. She seems to want to be with someone who is overly confident and full of themselves.