Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

I've no idea but I had fairly strict criteria for my future husband and I absolutely stand by my decision

Job title/earning potential was a massive factor. No way was I subsidising some cocklodger. I totally prioritised finances

Some might think I'm a horrible cow for that, but yeah - I'm sure I missed out on some adorable blokes but I stand by it

I don’t think job title and earning potential makes a difference to whether someone is abusive or not. My ex was top of his job and earned a fair amount but he was still a narcissist arse. Most narcissistic people are at the top, they need to be the best I assume.

I'm documenting my story on Instagram slowly. If anyone is interested in following my username is life.after.a_narcissist

I think most people look for something specific in a partner. There are some people who will be with almost anyone to fill the man/woman shaped hole.in their life and there are some people who are willing top be that person.

We all date and weed out those people who don't meet our requirements.

So yes, they do, but no more than anyone else.

Some people talk about 'narcissists' as though they have magical powers. They don't.

When someone behaves or treats you in a way you don't like, walk away from them. Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to understand them or seeing them as vulnerable. Many of them are - its born of a very fragile ego after all. That doesn't make it your job to fix them or support them.

Narcs tend to go for people who are ‘high status’ or desirable in some way - wealthy, intelligent, high status job, attractive, or a combination of all them. It is a matter of pride to them that they have ‘the best’ because in their eyes they are worth it and only deserve ‘the best’. They then become jealous of ‘the best’ and to their utmost to demonstrate their own superiority, through negging, gaslighting, cheating (they can have anyone, after all, or so they think), lying to get their own way, etc.

Ifyousayso1

IMO its not so much addicted adoration as addicted to attention.
The narcs that I have had to deal with love attention even bad attention as they can then use it to put forward what a victim they are and then they of course get positive attention.

So they win both ways.

GreyCarpet

Its not always as easy as walking away, especially when you are in a work situation.
I like many reduced my interactions with the narc at work but this caused other issues as the narc then tried to use this against me.
In the end a very stern email to the management about what was going on and how it was affecting me was the only way to stop it as it was effectively a written complaint.

@FrippEnos I never clocked on something was wrong until I was heavily invested. I’d never met a person like him before and he overthrew my ability to cope.

Op - it sounds like you're trying to process a relationship with a narcissist or someone with narcissistic traits after the fact. I suspect a lot of people are in a similar situation. Maybe a support thread would be helpful?

I believe that one of the reasons people like this are so hard to get over is becuase it just seems so ridiculous and unbelievable. To the point where you question yourself constantly, "surely that didn't happen or I misunderstood that situation?". DH and I were laughing last week because I successfully predicted "our" narcissist's behaviour and then, when it was confirmed, spend 5 minutes completely gobsmacked. SO I KNOW how he will behave and yet I'm STILL surprised becuase it's so crazy.

@MsMarch I think for me currently I’m a mixture of angry at myself and gutted I wasted so much, my health, prospects, my experience as a mother, they take it all. I literally can’t believe what I did and how I behaved.

My narc ex constantly said the reason he was still single at 40 was because he'd been waiting for the right person and had (classic) found them in me! 'I'm so picky' 'it needed to be the perfect fit' 'they just weren't right for me'. Now I can clearly see that the same cycle happened with every girlfriend, including me, the person on the pedestal never stays there long but I honestly don't think he recognises the pattern of his behaviour. Very interesting to observe as an outsider, shame it's so incredibly damaging when you're actually the girlfriend 😂😣

No, I know its not. I was bron to one! But in romantic and relationships it is doable.

@GreyCarpet its doable but we can’t help but be who we are, a person who a narcissist is attracted to. I didn’t know I had such little boundaries and self esteem until I met him. I thought my upbringing was like everyone else’s. It’s only after I’ve realised. A terrible lesson to learn.

If it's any consolation, I'd say this puts you ahead of the two people I know trying to get over this sort of relationship. They're still in the "perhaps I was too harsh" or "it takes two to tango" or the "I feel bad that he's hurting because I know he doesn't mean to be so cruel" phase.

They haven't yet got to the point that you have which is where they 100% accept that the behaviour from their ex's was not okay.

So good for you!

I still think a support thread is a good idea. You are not the only one suffering. These people leave chaos in their wake.

I think this completely misses the point. What "narcissists" do is very successfully exploit cracks in a person's armour and manipulate them. I don't know a single person who has been a victim of this type of person who says "he treats me badly but I am still going to stay/I don't have a choice."

What happens is that the person is convinced the behaviour is okay, or that it's their fault and when they question it, their abuser doubles down. So they're saying things like, "I know he was being a bit of a dick but I had really pushed all his buttons" or "I feel so bad because I'm on my knees but how can I ask him for help? He's taking on the entire financial load, he's got a lot on at work and he's just so knackered and stressed all the time."

And what makes it worse, is that quite often this opinion will be shared by other people. We see it on MN - I've lost count of the number of posts where someone says something like, "I spoke to my mum about his behaviour but she says I should count myself lucky to live in this lovely house and only work part time and I shouldn't put so much pressure on DH" or whatever. And don't even get me started on PIL and the way they consistently and regularly agreed with exBIL that SIL was "difficult"....

@GerbilsForever24 that and everyone on the outside thinks he’s great so it must be me.

Yes, this is part of it. It's part of why you question yourself - "everyone else thinks he's amazing, I must be the person who is in the wrong". Or in the case of exBIL, "Everyone else is sympathetic to how much of a tough life he's had, so I must be a total bitch".

You might be surprised though in that there probably ARE people who are not completely taken in. Not as many as you'd like, but some. There are a few women I know whose husbands seem lovely, but if it turns out that they're actually abusive twats, I wouldn't be completely surprised.... And I would 100% believe the women.

@GerbilsForever24 I was very sympathetic but then it went on and on and on. My whole life was about making his better and my own life went to shit in the process.

Yup. that's what they do.

I'm sorry you're going through this. YOu're not alone though. Which is unfortunate as no one should have to, but maybe it's a little comforting too?

I agree with this. Part of the problem is that women are still socialised to accept men and make excuses for them. And the pressure eis still there to settle down If women had a more robust taking no shit attitude to relationships, it would happen less I think.

Just my opinion though.

@GreyCarpet yes, I think that there probably is a higher ratio of this happening to women because we are absolutely socialised to facilitate everyone else's happiness. Certainly, in DH's family, SIL's role is to make everyone else's life easier and when she pushes back, her reputation for being "difficult" would, previously, very quickly put her back in her box.

The expectations for women are also often higher and more rigid. So PIL were very sympathetic to exBIL because SIL wasn't necessarily doing the cooking and the cleaning and all the rest. But it didn't seem to occur to them that she was also doing all the working and earning and that perhaps they should expect more from the man who married their dd.

Unfortunately, this is quite common and I have seen many many people who are quite supportive of women having careers or outside interests.... but who ALSO think women should still be doing all the cooking, cleaning and childcare.

My mother in law says that certain jobs are womens jobs. I don’t agree and she thinks I’m “difficult”, she’s not fond of me. She is very much just a suck it up person. We are not robots though. I think men are often conditioned to have certain types of wife’s and they use there power and size to try and force the issue. Mother’s should not be raising boys to think like this. I’m lucky that my partner gets his hands stuck in but his brother is very much women should be at home, his mums attitude.

There are also usually strong external reasons that the non-narcissistic partner continues to stick it out (rather than emotional reasons). I was trapped in my relationship because my ex clearly didn't have the parenting skills to look after our two young children to a decent standard by himself, and I was financially vulnerable because my ex was both a big spender (meaning we had built up 'shared' debts that he refused to talk about/deal with) and was hiding money through his business so our income kept us scraping by week-to-week but never getting ahead.

I made the mistake of sharing everything I had in the relationship because that was how my parents' happy and trusting relationship worked. So I had no money of my own set aside that I could use to escape. I only got out once the kids were big enough to be able to take some responsibility for their own basic needs and I felt okay about leaving them in his 'care' and I had gotten a very well-paid job that enabled me to sock away a getaway fund.

In the meantime I developed a chronic illness. If that had worsened, I can see I could have ended up stuck forever, like my ex's mum was with his dad.

This is part of how they get away with it for so long, they are nice and sweet and caring, Until you are emotionally draw n in and then they undermine you so that you have no self worth left.

It is a form of abuse. often people won't believe you or its just who they are, and many people will side with them because they don't want to be on the end of it.

As you and others have said, leaving is do-able but its very hard and can for a time make things even worse.