Do people who are quite high on the narcissistic scale purposely wait for a specific partner?

[Ifyousayso1]

Just what the title says really!

As well as being caused by abuse, I think it's important to add that research has shown that narcissism can also develop in childhood if a parent overindulges their child and makes them feel over-entitled, better than or more special than others.

Whether the root cause is abuse or overindulgence, some type of extreme parenting has often been involved, as well as the role of genetics and thinking patterns.

None of this excuses the abuse in any way, but helps to understand 'why' narcissists abuse others.

I married two of these arseholes - different flavours and I thought I was being sensible the second time because he wasn't vain and self-promoting like the first!

With hindsight, I can clearly identify events where each man tested me to see how much I'd put up with. Really quite bad things. A sane woman would've backed away at the first test! My shark cage was missing a good few bars.

I was raised by an enabling mother and psychopathic father. Like @Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon, this did fine-tune my ability to discern moods but, unlike her, also taught me I must be tolerant and extremely responsible for other people's happiness. I was brave, hard-working, attractive and successful because that's what Dad required. Particularly, brave. I sure as hell misapplied that in my relationships!

Both husbands benefitted materially from our marriages. Both second wives brought them even more money & status. I've no idea what their relationships are/were like; I just hope they found Mumsnet if needed!

I'm not sure why you felt I was saying that you were victim blaming? I wasnt referring to your comments (indeed yours seem to be about understanding the narcissist, which I found interesting)

My experience is that some men become narcissists within relationships- this NOT the fault of their partner. It is the narcissist's fault.

Men will generally only leave a relationship if they have somewhere to go. If they don't want to cheat/ can't find another partner, they will stay in a relationship with someone they no longer love/ care about. And they'll treat that person like shit. And if that person puts up with it, that reinforces the narcissists belief that their partner is the problem and doesn't deserve to be treated well.

All MALE narcissists seek out and marry women that are on MN.
An abnormally high number of people on MN are married to narcs in comparison to the public at large.

😉😁😁😁

Most narcissists feel a deep sense of shame and often put on a fake persona because they feel that people wouldn't like them if they didn't. They have no sense of self worth.

I think that's very often true. XH1 was the other type - his mother's darling, adored beyond reason. She was almost incestuously devoted (most memorable quote: I can give him everything you can, except sex). However ... he practised in a profession for which he wasn't fully qualified. I imagine his hubris led him to it, but then he was obliged to work harder and bullshit more impressively to keep it up. So, despite being raised as a demi-god, he ended up masking an inadequacy. Weird.

lapsedbookworm.. I'm not sure who you felt was victim blaming. I was just pointing out that if 'my' comments came across to anyone as such, then I apologise.

This is a very emotive topic, and can trigger negative past emotions, so in stating what I have researched is the 'causes for narcissism', I don't want to sound like I excuse this behaviour at all. because I don't.

Knowing the causes helps us to understand the mentality of these people and proves that we are in no way to blame for their behaviour.

I always asked myself why my ex treated me so badly. Not just me, but the whole family. His thinking was always skewed.

Always in and out of jobs... (apparently some narcissists do this because they get bored very easily) and if they can find a kind hearted soul who can take up the slack when thy're out of work, it's a win win situation.

One time we had a funeral to go to.. One of our friends had died. I had told my ex the date of the funeral quite a few times.

On the date of the funeral I was getting ready to go, and at first my ex lied and said he didn't know the funeral was on that particular day. When I proved him wrong and he couldn't back out of it, and it was obvious that he knew, do you know what he turned round and said to me?

'I can't go, I've got a job interview'..

Shocking!!! .. Considering he was always in and out of jobs anyway, I said why would you put a job interview over our friend..this is our friend.. He has died.. Why didn't you say you can't do it today, isn't our friend more important.?

He was angry that I caught him out and also embarrassed because I had pointed out how uempathetic he was appearing to be (which he was anyway) for choosing to put a job interview, which could have been rearranged considering the circumstances over our friend.

I found out later that he attended the funeral talk at the crematorium, one that was for close friends and family. I went to a later one held at a hall. (He likely only went because believe it or not narcissists do care about their reputation and he didn't want to be viewed badly).

As you all know this selfish behaviour is typical of narcissists who will put their needs first before anyone.

Apparently a lot of them hate funerals, birthdays etc or any event where it's not about them.. as they always want to be the centre of attention.

Apparently a lot of them hate funerals, birthdays etc or any event where it's not about them.. as they always want to be the centre of attention.

Oh, this has rung a few bells! It should've been obvious, but I hadn't made the connection.

I'm not sure narcissists have the level of self-awareness required to do this consciously. But of course it's only people who fall for and tolerate their BS who would stick with them in the first place, so of course they end up with specific types.

All MALE narcissists seek out and marry women that are on MN.
An abnormally high number of people on MN are married to narcs in comparison to the public at large.

1-2 percent of the population will meet the criteria for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and another few percent will be high in narcissistic traits without qualifying for a diagnosis. Mostly men, as they are more likely to be narcissists.

Mumsnet has 8 million unique users a month.

If one in 100 of them is in a relationship with a narcissist, that’s 80,000 women who might quite reasonably post about their problem partner.

Besides that, happy people don’t start threads about their relationships.

I think the overly empathetic and understanding and nonjudgmental is key

Exactly.

This thread has been really interesting to read having had 2 relationships with narcs, I'm still trying to recover from

Btw I do think the % of narcissistic men on dating apps over the age of 40 is way more than 1-2% IMO

gannett · Today 11:40

I'm not sure narcissists have the level of self-awareness required to do this consciously. But of course it's only people who fall for and tolerate their BS who would stick with them in the first place, so of course they end up with specific types.

gannett.. Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?

CheekyHobson. & lapsedbookworm

... happy people don’t start threads about their relationships...

I thought this thread was about 'whether people who are high on the narcissistic scale purposefully wait for a specific partner.? It's a very interesting question to debate.

I think the OP is entitled to ask this question without their 'happiness' being called into question..

All MALE narcissists seek out and marry women that are on MN.
An abnormally high number of people on MN are married to narcs in comparison to the public at large.

Really.. is this a fact? I thought MN was a place people can go to for advice and to discuss things confidentially and respectfully with others. I don't understand the point your making tbh..

If anything your point may suggest that this behaviour is very common in society today.

If narcissism doesn't affect any of you, then fair enough. You may still have a chance in your life to have the displeasure of meeting one.

OP, I think it's good that you posed such an interesting question.

I know I definitely was a “kind of person”. I had weak boundaries, I let a lot slide. I really shouldn’t have put up with it and I ask myself why did I let myself be treated so badly. The thing is they not bad people all the time. Mine was extremely generous and it took me a while to realise it was transactional thought. He expected things in return for his generosity. I was scared to
stand up for myself as he showed me early on what happened if I did and unfortunately for me it worked when I should have walked. I absolutely hate confrontation and raised voices and I did anything to avoid it.

I realise now how lame I was, I had no backbone and I expected nothing from him. I was way to nice. He has another girlfriend and he has stopped a lot of the things I used to beg for but never stood up for. I would absolutely not want to be with him but I suspect they can do what they can get away with.

@Jenypenny you seem to be misinterpreting things left right and centre? I don't know why? I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. It took me ages to escape (and Mumsnet helped ) and I know I am still vulnerable. You seem to be reading the opposite meaning into my comments? I'm a bit baffled tbh

Hi..lapsedbookworm,. What is it that I'm misinterpreting left right and centre?

You agreed with what CheekyHobson stated about:

All MALE narcissists seek out and marry women that are on MN.
An abnormally high number of people on MN are married to narcs in comparison to the public at large.

And I responding to that comment that you agreed with.

Earlier I responded to a comment about victim blaming. I never said 'you said' I was victim blaming. I said if anyone thought I was, I wasn't.

You said I am reading the opposite into your comments. How am I doing that?

No . No I didn't. Cheeky 's comments in bold were quoting someone else and I was agreeing with what she wrote beneath that, critiquing the words in bold

OK. Fair enough.

I seemed to have missed the original post and who posted it.

I suppose that's what can happen as when things get reposted.

This made me laugh. My MIL is a classic narc the whole centre of attention is very strong with her. We recently took her to a family funeral, she was very off with us and eventually ( she expects you to know why she is angry or annoyed with you) she berated us for not remembering that it was the anniversary of FIL death, well he died in the Sat am ( the funeral we were at was a Friday) and the actual anniversary was on the Sunday. We were confused as well. The problem was that we weren’t informed of FIL death until a couple of days after it happened and his funeral was over a month after his death so neither DH or myself had made the connection.
Of course no o E else at the funeral had so no one asked MIL or offered her any condolences. So she was stroppy and unpleasant.
DH has some narc characteristics but these are learned behaviours. Unlike a narc I call him out and he understands why they are wrong. But growing up with a narc mother causes lifelong problems. DH has unravelled some of his issues and is much happier as a result although he does sometimes revert.
His biggest problem is not doing things he may fail at and it is ingrained into his behaviour that whatever you do you mustn’t embarrass yourself ( or more correctly your mother). MIL actively discouraged him from doing anything he may embarrass her with. He is the only one who questions her, calls out her behaviour and is brave enough to stand up to her. Unfortunately this did him no favours with his siblings or step father because they knew that there would be fall out. They still do it now. DH went minimal contact with her some years ago. It is sad that DH doesn’t have a good relationship with his siblings as a result but he is a much better person as a result. He no longer fights the inner demon of trying to please someone who constantly charges the goal posts and a major gaslighting incident nearly tipped him over the edge.
We have been careful not to influence DS since he does deserve a relationship with MIL but he is a bright lad who recently did an A level in psychology and admitted that he could see many narc tendencies in his grandma. Interesting since we have never discussed it with him.

And yes FIL was a classic enabler. He adored MIL and would do everything she asked. He kept the DC from his first marriage a secret until his DD and DS turned up at a family funeral. That was MILs idea. He gave up his career for her and was treated like a butler/chauffeur and general dogsbody.
I think that he knew early on that he had made a mistake but having divorced his first wife to be with MIL then there was no way back.
He was a wonderful man who would do anything for anyone but had a very limited life. Gave up all his old friends to be at MILs beck and call.

At the risk of further igniting what seems to be a rather febrile thread (I'm new so maybe it's just normal around here), isn't it possible that we are all trying to being a bit too definitive when discussing something which is obviously multifaceted?

What I mean by that is - some people are selfish all the time, most of us are selfish some of the time, some people fall out of love and handle it badly, some people are crass and nasty at least sometimes, some people have personality disorders which can be cured, others have deep seated disorders which impact them and others every day throughout their lives.

We and they are not all narcissists in the sense of a full on diagnosed personality disordered narcissist who needs clinical (or justice system) intervention. If we're using 'narcissist' to describe a (God help me I can't think of a better alternative here) 'spectrum' of behaviour, then surely we need to acknowledge that? My ex was a narcissist (not criminal, but more often selfish than not, and got nastier as the relationship went on) but he might not be a narcissist with his next partner if he finds someone that it works out better with.

Or am I being staggeringly naive?!

Or am I being staggeringly naive?!

Not really, @Superlambaanana. Neither are you really saying anything. OP's use of "high on the narcissistic scale" already means she's aware we're all narcissistic to some degree. It's implicit that "high on the scale" means dysfunctionally self-regarding, whether pathological or not.

People with inflexible character traits act the same in all their close relationships. Some might find a partner who's good at 'managing' them for whatever reason (often because they're also inflexible!) In that case, the relationship might follow a less cataclysmic course.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"? Free downloads are available, though it's always nice to support Bancroft's work by buying a copy.

@GarlicGrace I would say I was bad at
managing his behaviour so I suffered. His new girlfriend is a lot better at managing him so is suffering less. He is still the same guy though underneath regardless of how well women manage him. Definitely glad I got the strength up to leave him. I suspect he’s having to be on his best behaviour at risk of loosing his latest supply. Probably why he chose a woman 14 years younger and had a baby and moved in within 15 months.

@Superlambaanana most people don’t get into relationships where they need constant supply and admiration from their partner and if they don’t loose there shit and abuse them. Everyone is a little narcissist at times, we all like a bit of attention but not on the scale of hurting the other person. I can look back now and see that I was dependent in that relationship. We wanted things from each other neither could give. What he wanted was unobtainable and what I wanted was not in his reality.