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Original poster

Husband sulking over tattoo

362 replies

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:22

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 10/07/2023 13:57

This isn't the 1950s FFS.
Your body, your choice.
Hubby sounds controlling to me.🙄

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/07/2023 13:59

He's angry because you did something out with his control
Not good

theemmadilemma · 10/07/2023 13:59

He's a dick.

I have a large tattoo, and I intend to add to it. I will discuss it with DH, but I won't be asking permission. It's my body.

I get that Partners might not like it. And yes, I even do take my DH's feelings into consideration. But ultimately it's my decision and he wouldn't act like your DH is either way.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2023 14:00

Stop apologising and get tough with him. Tell him to grow up or leave if it’s that big a deal. I could understand if the tattoo was on your face (that to me is a step too far, especially without discussion) but assuming it’s not he’s behaving like a brat.

ThePM · 10/07/2023 14:00

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:32

Thanks for the replies. Reassuring to know that this is a massive over reaction from him, and I agree it felt so controlling. Generally he isn't controlling (I don't think), although this reaction is making me question other aspects of the relationship dynamics 😔

We do have kids, and I feel this is such a bad example to them of what is an appropriate way to behave in a relationship (although we haven't been discussing it in front of them).

I loathe tattoos. It really really would make me think less of someone to get one, and in the circumstances you have described- more so.

For me it would be a case of “I’m so disappointed in myself that I’ve ended up with someone that would do that.” It shows a gap in your value systems- he thought you shared values and you don’t. If you would do this- what other gaps are there in your value systems.

Presumably you did know he hated Tatts? And you did it anyway? Is that why you’re apologising? If you were happy to get it Lasered off/ it doesn’t actually mean much to you.

What did you actually think his reaction would be?

TheCrystalPalace · 10/07/2023 14:01

Can't believe what I'm reading on this thread.
I have been married for nearly 30 years and my husband and I are very relaxed about each other in terms of "control." We socialise together and independently, travel with mates as and when we want to, spend our own money as and when, wear what we want, drink what we want etc...
But I would be REALLY pissed off if he went and got a tattoo knowing I loathe them, and it's got NOTHING to do with me being controlling or thinking I own his body as an extension of mine.
Ridiculous over-exaggeration of things by posters on here, demonising the dh and telling the OP to divorce him.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 14:01

ThePM · 10/07/2023 14:00

I loathe tattoos. It really really would make me think less of someone to get one, and in the circumstances you have described- more so.

For me it would be a case of “I’m so disappointed in myself that I’ve ended up with someone that would do that.” It shows a gap in your value systems- he thought you shared values and you don’t. If you would do this- what other gaps are there in your value systems.

Presumably you did know he hated Tatts? And you did it anyway? Is that why you’re apologising? If you were happy to get it Lasered off/ it doesn’t actually mean much to you.

What did you actually think his reaction would be?

Show quote history

he
married
a
tattooed
woman

Channellingsophistication · 10/07/2023 14:01

A massive overreaction on his part its your body of course. I don’t see what difference it makes in having another small tattoo when you already have 3. I dont think you should apologise.

Does he like the friends - could perhaps be some kind of jealousy that makes him think you have acted out of spite….?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 14:02

TheCrystalPalace · 10/07/2023 14:01

Can't believe what I'm reading on this thread.
I have been married for nearly 30 years and my husband and I are very relaxed about each other in terms of "control." We socialise together and independently, travel with mates as and when we want to, spend our own money as and when, wear what we want, drink what we want etc...
But I would be REALLY pissed off if he went and got a tattoo knowing I loathe them, and it's got NOTHING to do with me being controlling or thinking I own his body as an extension of mine.
Ridiculous over-exaggeration of things by posters on here, demonising the dh and telling the OP to divorce him.

So why would you be so pissed off?

millymog11 · 10/07/2023 14:03

Have not read the whole thread but this is the bit i find really weird about this whole situation
"FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction."

In other words, he knew you previously had tattoos done, presumably you have not had the above tattoos lasered off since meeting him so he knows this is the type of person you are. That is what makes it really weird.
Was he cross about the whole idea of you going away on a girly weekend in the first place?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 10/07/2023 14:03

I agree that you have the right to do what you want with your own body but I'm also wondering if his reaction might be more to do with it being part of a matching set with other people. Does he maybe feel that you've made some sort of gesture, particularly with it being a heart, of a connection with them that he is excluded from.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:03

@ThePM if this is his line of thinking then his IQ must be in single digits given that he married someone with tattoos

Barney60 · 10/07/2023 14:03

Your body your choices.
Agree with previous its a control issue.

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 14:03

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 13:52

OP's husband should have found an untattooed partner who disliked tattoos as much as he does.

Show quote history

Perhaps he got passed the tattoos because he liked her even with the tattoos but is simply annoyed that she got more. He may well feel its worth moving on as it may be something they're not going to agree on, perhaps he'll get used to it in time (this extra and the next ones).

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 14:06

ThePM · 10/07/2023 14:00

I loathe tattoos. It really really would make me think less of someone to get one, and in the circumstances you have described- more so.

For me it would be a case of “I’m so disappointed in myself that I’ve ended up with someone that would do that.” It shows a gap in your value systems- he thought you shared values and you don’t. If you would do this- what other gaps are there in your value systems.

Presumably you did know he hated Tatts? And you did it anyway? Is that why you’re apologising? If you were happy to get it Lasered off/ it doesn’t actually mean much to you.

What did you actually think his reaction would be?

Show quote history

She had three large tattoos when they married.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 14:07

I bet this is going to end up on the list of stupid excuses to justify someone's cheating

btw, I've had similar situations with my ex about wildest stuff...guess why I immediately though OPs husband is guilty of something 😬

IbitebecauseIwantto · 10/07/2023 14:07

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 12:49

Actually whilst I get the ' your body your choice' thing, I feel it would be a different conversation if a husband had come back from a lads trip with a permanent body modification such as tattoo or whatever when they know their wife doesn't like it.

I've seen women on here kick off about their husbands growing a beard when they don't like them, and being told its a 2 fingers up to them and done deliberately to be disrespectful etc etc etc, so whilst I think he's over reacting somewhat, I can understand why he may be 'upset'.

Add to that feeling unheard or misunderstood with the subsequent conversations I can see why it may escalate ( as many arguments do, invariably they're not to scale with the trigger).

Just trying to give the other side of things and maybe that may help

Agree.

GoldDuster · 10/07/2023 14:07

@ThePM @TheCrystalPalace

He hates tattoos so much, he married a woman with three large tattoos.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/07/2023 14:08

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:59

So it's a small heart on my wrist (yes I realise probably seems bit naff), but easily covered by watch. Honestly didn't think it would be this much of a big deal, which is why I didn't mention to him, but his reaction was making me question if I was so badly wrong

Jeez for such a palava over a small heart! He is so in the wrong here.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2023 14:09

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2023 12:51

I really hate tattoos. My DH has none. If DH came home with one by surprise, I wouldn’t be able to hide that I was upset. However, I wouldn’t consider it a betrayal of our marriage as long as he hadn’t done something really extreme like a face or neck tattoo that might impact his employability.

I'd feel the same except in this case, she's already got tattoos and he married her with them!

So unless she's come back with a full sleeve or back tattoo it's a bit late for him to complain!

BeyondMyWits · 10/07/2023 14:09

Is it the tattoo itself? Is it a heart on the inner wrist? (Esp left hand)
A symbol of new love, a fresh start...

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 14:09

Can those who hate tattoos please explain why someone else having them causes you so much upset?

Is it that you like being the same as your partner?
Or is it that you think it'll change how other people perceive you if you're married to a tattooed person?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't understand...

YouJustDoYou · 10/07/2023 14:11

Wow, what an absolute gaslighting dickhead. Wanker.

TheCrystalPalace · 10/07/2023 14:12

For me, it's about courtesy and consideration.
I am a free agent and, when our DC were young, could go out as and when I liked but I would still run it by him first, to check. A friend was horrified to hear me doing that once, and said, "Are you asking his PERMISSION?" No, I was just checking we hadn't double-booked and he didn't have anything planned too.
DItto spending money. We have joint accounts and whilst, yes, I contribute a fair chunk of what's in there, any large purchases we would discuss first. Minor things like nails/hair/makeup, no issue.
But mainly, it's because I detest tattoos. No matter if he already had some, if he knew I didn't like them I'd be pissed off that he went ahead and got yet another, particularly if it was visible, regardless of whether it could technically be covered by a watch. There's a lot of the time when you take your watch off and each time he looks at it in this case, he's going to be wincing (at least, I would be).

Doggytastic · 10/07/2023 14:12

I’m going to ruffle some feathers here but… I personally am not a fan of tattoos 🙈 It’s fine on other people but my husband came home one day with two tattoos a while back. He knew I didn’t like tattoos and I’m afraid to say I was embarrassed walking around with him when his tattoos were on view. I was most upset that he didn’t tell me beforehand. I wouldn’t have been bothered if he’d told me first but I felt like he’d gone behind my back to spite me.

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