Husband sulking over tattoo

[TinyDancer86]

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

You are the one talking about controlling others by saying what he is 'allowed' and 'not allowed' to do. That is controlling. Using allowed / not allowed language is controlling language. And you are the one using it.

Oh for god sake, by not allowed, I meant it’s not acceptable. I thought that was obvious but I forgot how pedantic people can get when they know their overall point is wrong.

He has no right to tell you what you can do with your own skin
You had 3 before you met, so he can't have minded then!
I think he's pissed off you had a good time without him
It's very controlling especially as he's ignoring you now
Don't apologise or offer to get it removed. You would be playing right into his hands

So what do you do.?Your wife won't talk to you because she is pissed off. This is not acceptable and not allowed. What do you do about her doing an abusive behaviour that she isn't allowed to do?

I don't think that allowing / not allowing ever works. It is controlling on its own.

Let me borrow Naunet's response:

Oh for god sake, by not allowed, I meant it’s not acceptable. I thought that was obvious but I forgot how pedantic people can get when they know their overall point is wrong.

Despite your ego, you don't actually get to decide who or what point of view or opinion is right or wrong. You can feel you are always right and anyone who doesn't agree with you is wrong but that doesn't actually make you right.

And you chose the word allowed for a reason - you didn't say unacceptable, you chose to say he is not allowed.

Exactly my feelings on this. No one can tell you what to do with your body, what to wear, how to have your hair etc. It doesn't affect anyone else! A friend of mind used to date some twat who told her to take her nose ring out because he said it "looked gross". Nothing wrong with the piercing, he just didn't like it. She took it out at the time but it went straight back in once she'd dumped him.

No, I’m the one saying controlling behaviour is not acceptable in a relationship.

It was OPs husband who was talking about what she was allowed to do, how he would have said no if she’d asked him, yet you’re ok with that? So do you think being controlling in a relationship is acceptable or not?

you don't actually get to decide who or what point of view or opinion is right or wrong. You can feel you are always right and anyone who doesn't agree with you is wrong but that doesn't actually make you right

Im glad you realise that, now apply that same train of thought to OPs husband 👍

No, I don't think being controlled in a relationship is acceptable. I have never said that.

Nor do I think you get to control conversations and tell people they are wrong because they didn't agree with you.

And I said not allowed to mean it’s not acceptable, but as I already pointed out, in some cases it’s illegal, so yes, not allowed.

Where have I defended him?

Why can you say what others are allowed to do or not do - but only you can decide what is allowed or not allowed?

Nor do I think you get to control conversations and tell people they are wrong because they didn't agree with you

Perfect, so you agree after all, that he should have kept his mouth shut and not tell her she was wrong.

I don’t, the law does.

I have no issue with him voicing how he feels. I don't believe that men are required to keep their mouths shut and that they aren't entitled to opinions. Just as many other posters in this thread have said that they too would voice disapproval or disappointment with a spouse making a permanent alteration to their body that they did not like. He could certainly have voiced how he felt in a different way but no, I don't think he should keep his mouth shut.

I don't tell anyone to keep their mouth shut. That isn't how I talk to people. Nor do I tell them what they are allowed to do or not do. You and I are very different.

You seem to have one rule for yourself and a different rule for everyone else.

the damage is done and he 'would always know'.

Ew.

You apologised?! For what?

So it IS ok to tell people they’re wrong for having different opinions?! Nice contradiction.

I'd be pissed off if my husband got one as I hate them and see them as a dealbreaker. Being honest, my reaction might well be similar to OP's DH.

I hate tattoos but if my DH got one it wouldn’t be that big a deal. I’d get over it. Your dh’s reaction is totally over the top. I could understand it if he said it put him off aesthetically but marriage vows? Ridiculous-start getting angry. You don’t need to apologise to him. He needs to apologise to you.

He should leave their home because he is unreasonably controlling and believes he has ownership of her body, particularly in this case, her skin. That's very unhealthy.

please don’t patronize me.

He is allowed to have an opinion, and he is allowed to decide not to be with her.

He shouldn’t use it as a stick to beat her with - whilst staying. But to quote from Brexit “other people have sovereignty too”

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me
sounds like a result, why would you want to share a bedroom or conversation with mr bossy & sulky anyway?

thats why so many people said she may need to reconsider the entire relationship, especially if this behaviour happens in other situations

you can not allow to be treated in certain way and sometimes it means leaving

it seems like its her considering not being with him and not the other way round

from my own personal experience - people like that somehow never actually want to leave and feel deeply offended when their partner not only continues to ignore their opinion but also ends the relationship