Husband sulking over tattoo

[TinyDancer86]

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

I hate tattoos and would be very upset if my partner got one. He too hates them, and would be very upset if I got one.

We love each other's bodies. I know that he feels a (small) emotional reaction to seeing any new mark on my body, for example scratches on my back (from the cat clambering around). To be clear, grey hairs and cellulite don't bother him a bit.

It's hard to explain. It's one of those things that is subtle, fragile and mysterious. For many people, this is a very strong, even spiritual feeling. And it's a mark of respect to the other to acknowledge this. This relentless, individualistic 'I do whatever the fuck I want' thing is not a great idea for relationships.

I definitely agree with some other PPs that this is about you having fun with girlfriends on a holiday without him, and that he sees the heart as symbolic of you having a close relaitonship with others as well as him. What was he like when the holiday was booked? Have you been on a girls holiday before? If it really doesn't seem to be that and it really is just about a tiny tattoo - then wow. I don't get it. And i have no tattoos and don't particularly like them (my husband has plenty!)

Which
is
not
an
agreement
to
more,

a bit like lovers

Exactly, @ThePM !!
Hear, hear.

Jeez, it's not like it's on your face or anything! Surely if he felt THAT strongly about tattoos you'd be aware of his feelings on the matter?

Good for you for pulling the divorce card though, cuts right to the chase!

Are you sure he's not punishing you for going away?

are you saying you agree with him that her having this new tattoo is akin to cheating?

If I detested tattoos I'd simply maximise my chances of it not becoming an issue in my relationship by...not marrying an already well tattooed person.

Call me crazy.

looking at the replies of people who justify his reaction I am even more convinced its all about control and possessiveness towards their partner's. Its all about how you feel about how they look and their audacity to not ask your permission

Could it be, that he really isn't that bothered about the tattoo so much as it being more about you going away, having fun and leaving him with the ( his ) kids to look after on his own? Only he can't say to you that he resents having to spend that time with the kids, so the tattoo gets the blame?

why would it make sense to marry someone who obviously likes something and then throw a tantrum because they still like it years later?

what sort of logic is it? "now you're with me so fuck you and everything you enjoy"

That's absolutely fine that you both feel that way, but it sounds like you have both communicated that to each other.. where as OP didn't have a clue it would be such a massive issue? Surely if it meant that much to you, you'd have let your partner know how you feel?

I don't care about others having tattoos, their choices. I don't have any neither does OH, we both think they're a bit naff and tacky. We're also older and when we were younger tattoos were associated with the rougher elements.

I still think that although it's 'my body my choice' I'd expect my partner to take my views into account.

You can leave him for any reason, he can leave you for any reason including a tattoo. I also hate them and would be super pissed off if DH had a tattoo in the full knowledge I would hate it. Up to him of course, but actions have consequences and shallow as it is he would be much less attractive to me.

It is your body and your choice but you cannot force him to like it or to find them attractive. That is his prerogative.

He is being over the top. But I can see his point, I would not be happy if my husband went off for a lads weekend and came back with a “celebratory” tattoo that they had all had. Neither of us currently have any tattoos, I do think it is something we would discuss with each other if we were considering it.

but it should work both ways really - if you marry someone who likes something then mentioning you dont like it isnt really good enough justification to compare it to said partner having an affair.

its one thing when people suddenly change their values, appearance or develop a new dangerous hobby...its a different story when someone is so mean over their partner being as they always were

I think he has trust issues with you.

I would go get a bigger tattoo to piss him off... but then I'm petty and absoloutly can not STAND and man telling me what I can and can't do (it pushes my stubbornness through the roof).

It's not about the tattoo.

There's something else going on and he's projecting massively;its interesting he mentions it's like an affair and is sleeping in the spare room.

Cher chez la femme.

He’s jealous that you went away and did something nice with your friends. It’s your body.

It's nowhere like having an affair. He should have known he was married to someone who liked tattoos and realised she'd get more almost every one I know with tattoos gets more and more.

For me the reasons are, in no particular order.

Most look shit and amateurish at the start, and all after a few years.

None I have see are improvement on none. I would probably exclude a tattooed nipple from breast reconstruction here, but haven’t seen one to know.

They are a fashion statement that age really badly: what started as a sensuous lower back inking soon morphed into a tramp stamp; barcodes- so ironically smashing the system for about six months then so so conformist.

The meanings are frequently laughable: I know my kids names; I’ve got photos, I don’t need a clef somewhere to know my musical talents.

I don’t think it makes someone incompetent at work; or a bad person; but just someone that sees things differently on something that topic.

and thats the part that everyone here is narrowing down to. She had bigger tattoos before, he married her knowing she likes them, she only got a small design on her wrist. It obviously has nothing to do with her general aesthetic or disparity in values because neither should be a surprise to him.

Yet he treated her horribly, compared getting a friendship tattoo to cheating, then gave her a silent treatment. Nothing about this reaction is normal, especially not in this circumstances.

@TinyDancer86 he’s an arse OP.
When I wanted to have my stomach pierced dh wasn’t keen.
However his only input was to ensure I had it done at a reputable piercing place. He put my health and my choice first just as I would his.

Wow, getting a tattoo is like having an affair?

Oh no, now he's totally justified in having an affair! And it will be all your fault OP! Look what you made him do.