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Original poster

Husband sulking over tattoo

362 replies

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:22

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 10/07/2023 13:09

OP's partner's reaction is ridiculous, but I'm also irritated by the people on here saying "well, actually, I hate tattoos so I'd also expect to be told if my partner was going to get one". Like WTH?? Do you feel your partner is an extension of yourself? Your partner is an ENTIRE individual person, I cannot fathom feeling I had any right at all to get consulted on body modifications a partner got.

TheBellsToll · 10/07/2023 13:10

What a weird reaction. I can understand him hating tattoos and feeling repulsed by it, but saying he feels betrayed etc is a bit of a stretch.

Perhaps he’s massively over-reacting in the heat of the moment?

If you like it, do not have it lasered off! (As an aside, I’ve had one lasered off and there is no scar at all)

BillyNoM8s · 10/07/2023 13:14

Stop validating his insane response with apologies. You don't need his permission to get a tattoo. It's not like you've inked a penis on your forehead and he now can't go out in public with you.

I would give him one more chance to get over himself and apologise for being a knob, otherwise I'd be leaving.

I doubt this has anything to do with the tattoo really, by the way. It's a control thing. You're probably supposed to be grateful that he "let" you have a weekend away in the first place and now he's found something to punish you with. How dare you have extra fun and make your own decisions.

This is quite the red flag. Heed it.

Interesting that he compares it to cheating. Perhaps that's what he really thinks you get up to on your weekends away.

Keep the tattoo. Ditch the man.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 13:14

tattygrl · 10/07/2023 13:09

OP's partner's reaction is ridiculous, but I'm also irritated by the people on here saying "well, actually, I hate tattoos so I'd also expect to be told if my partner was going to get one". Like WTH?? Do you feel your partner is an extension of yourself? Your partner is an ENTIRE individual person, I cannot fathom feeling I had any right at all to get consulted on body modifications a partner got.

I’d have different levels of reactions depending on the type and placement of tattoo:

Tattoo on arse commemorating Big Gaz’s stag do in Ibiza – I’d roll my eyes

Portrait of footballer on bicep – I’d think ‘eeek. That looks shit but whatever’

Facial tattoo – whole other ball game and I’d be having words.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 13:15

DH has come home from lads weekends with tattoos and I couldn't care less. He's come back with a shaved head, a pierced ear, his beard shaved off and probably more daft things I can't remember right now over the years. His body, his choice. Of course I have my preferences, but I won't police his choices.

My ex stopped speaking to me for a week after I had my tragus pierced. I was 21 and we'd been together for 2 years and apparently something like that should have been discussed before hand. There is a reason he is an ex.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 13:16

A tattoo does not change your marriage vows, who you are as a person, your ability to love and be loved, or anything anymore than a scar does.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 13:17

Question - has he ever cheated or did you have a suspicion he may have done?

because it could be one of those twisted "now we're even" scenarios

Appleofmyeye2023 · 10/07/2023 13:18

He sees your body as his property and possession. Simple
He has put your body into the birdcage and expects to keep it the way he knows - if you do anything to change that he sees it as betrayal

id ask him what else he’d object to or you have to ask permissi9n for with your body? Getting your hair cut short? Putting on weight with aging (ok I know everyone doesn’t but is common), having a mastectomy due to cancer? Varicose veins? What about if/when you get pregnant - do you have to ask his permission to breast feed, what if you got skin cancer and (like me) end up with a 2 inch scar on my face- not massively obvious but a bloody sight more obvious than your tattoo

Either that’ll make him realise he cannot control or fix how your body is- life is likely to throw a shot load of things at it which will result in a lot more wear and tear , or he has a problem with dealing with the fact you aren’t physicallyjust a pretty face and fuckable body (to be blunt)

I don’t like tattoos. Yep, I’d have been a bit out out by ex getting one without forewarning me (mainly so I could not react in surprise) . But I’d be more inclined to think “well that was a bit naff” than anything else. Let’s face it a heart is a bit naff 🤷🏼‍♀️ but hey ho, your choice. Only tatoo I thought about was the DNR one 😱🤣🤣🤣🤣

BillyNoM8s · 10/07/2023 13:18

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 13:17

Question - has he ever cheated or did you have a suspicion he may have done?

because it could be one of those twisted "now we're even" scenarios

I was gonna ask if there's any chance he's been up to no good, because there's a weird amount of anger and projection in his reaction.

It's very odd.

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 13:19

Up to you whether or not you want tattoos.
Up to him if its offensive to him.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 10/07/2023 13:23

I will add, I have 2 grown up DC. I thought for a long time, when they were coming up to being old enough to get one, that I’d be upset if they got tattoos as I “made” (literally grew from my body) their skin, but as time as gone by , and they went past early twenties, even I now have no issues accepting it their body and I was a rather deranged hormonal mother 🤦‍♀️. Whilst I wouldn’t be ecstatic with “in your face” tattoos, I don’t ask but it actually wouldn’t bother me now.

given he doesn’t have that deranged mother or father type “investment “ in your skin, and even that is stupid and bizarre thinking, he doesn’t have a say in this

Mumoftwoinprimary · 10/07/2023 13:24

Personally I absolutely loathe tattoos. Which is why I married a man with no tattoos and who doesn’t like them either.

If you marry someone with 3 large tattoos then it is obvious that they like tattoos. You can’t be annoyed about them getting more tattoos. That is just ridiculous. It would be like marrying a professional footballer and then being annoyed that they like sport!

WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2023 13:25

You should not have apologised. You have agency over your own body, as does he. If he doesn't like it he can walk away. That is his choice. He doesn't get choice over someone else's body.

Badger1970 · 10/07/2023 13:26

If someone has told you that they don't like tattoos, then I'm a bit surprised you did one on the spur of the moment. Yes it's your body, your choice but equally his choice not to like them.

I would be gutted if DH ever got one because he knows that I don't like them.

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2023 13:26

So you had a small, subtle, tasteful tattoo.
And he's saying it's like you've cheated.
As others, OP, I'm wondering if HE has cheated and he will use this to balance the books in his head so he does not feel bad. Or to justify that the marriage is crap so him cheating doesn't matter.
Sounds like he was looking for a fight.
A 'normal' reaction would have been 'Oh! OK! How lovely that you had this bonding experience together after you've all had a rough time! Come here for a hug...'

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 13:27

Badger1970 · 10/07/2023 13:26

If someone has told you that they don't like tattoos, then I'm a bit surprised you did one on the spur of the moment. Yes it's your body, your choice but equally his choice not to like them.

I would be gutted if DH ever got one because he knows that I don't like them.

difference being she already had three large tattoos when they met.

MumHereAgain2023 · 10/07/2023 13:27

What a dick.

persister · 10/07/2023 13:29

Thinking you did it out of spite and have betrayed him - that's so unreasonable that I can only think he's actually angry about something else and is using this as an excuse to punish you.

My husband doesn't like tattoos. I told him I was going to get one 20 years ago and he said he'd rather I didn't. I politely pointed out that it was my body and my choice, he agreed that is indeed the case. I had the tattoo and in the 20 years since it's not been an issues between us. That's a normal reaction - your husband's isn't.

WilkinsonM · 10/07/2023 13:31

Badger1970 · 10/07/2023 13:26

If someone has told you that they don't like tattoos, then I'm a bit surprised you did one on the spur of the moment. Yes it's your body, your choice but equally his choice not to like them.

I would be gutted if DH ever got one because he knows that I don't like them.

I assume you wouldn't have married someone with several tattoos in the first place then?

Beachbreak2411 · 10/07/2023 13:31

I really dislike most tattoos and would be a bit annoyed if my boyfriend came home with a new one, knowing this. He has 2 already and knows I’m not the biggest fan so he wouldn’t do it! My ex got a hideous and huge back tattoo.. he became an ex very quickly.

Greentree1 · 10/07/2023 13:34

Perhaps it's the heart, does he think that implies remembering a holiday fling? I do think a heart, not done with him in mind, is a bit off. I think some other symbol would have been better as a remembrance of a 'girly' weekend.

Maray1967 · 10/07/2023 13:34

ShoesoftheWorld · 10/07/2023 13:02

I really, REALLY hate tattoos - think they look awful and that most people happily getting them now will probably bitterly regret them in later years once they're out of fashion - and I wouldn't be at all impressed if dh came home with one, but to emotionalise it as a betrayal, akin to an affair, deserving of the silent treatment, is just odd. It's not something you've done 'to him'.

This is my view as well. I told my then 18 year old DS that if he got a tattoo I would not support him at uni. Tough perhaps, but I did it to make him stop and think. Now 23, he’s glad he didn’t get one. If he got one now, it’s his choice - I wouldn’t like it, but I wouldn’t punish him.
Your DH is punishing you- he is totally out of order. All this rubbish about betrayal is exactly that - rubbish.

QueensBees · 10/07/2023 13:34

Badger1970 · 10/07/2023 13:26

If someone has told you that they don't like tattoos, then I'm a bit surprised you did one on the spur of the moment. Yes it's your body, your choice but equally his choice not to like them.

I would be gutted if DH ever got one because he knows that I don't like them.

Not liking them is NOT the same than equating a tattoo to having an affair. It’s also not a reason for giving someone the silent treatment.

Not liking something anyone to

  • control what the other does - you can do things I like. You’re not allowed to do stuff I don’t like.
  • them emotionally blackmail that person, do your best to make them feel bad about it etc….
If you dint like it, you don’t. You deal with it the same way than when that person is doing so many other things you don’t like. It won’t involved being abusive or controlling! And if it’s such a huge deal breaker fur you, you get divorced. Wo all the ‘it’s all your fault. Look at what you have done to our marriage etc..‘. id also hope that you’d have told said partner it was a deal breaker in the first place. In this case, it’s doubtful seeing she already has 3 much bigger tattoos!
pictoosh · 10/07/2023 13:35

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:59

So it's a small heart on my wrist (yes I realise probably seems bit naff), but easily covered by watch. Honestly didn't think it would be this much of a big deal, which is why I didn't mention to him, but his reaction was making me question if I was so badly wrong

Oh good grief tell him to fuck. off.

I wonder if he's using this as a vehicle just to be a cunt for fun. Sounds like it.
I haven't got a single tattoo and neither does my dh...neither of us would carry on like that if the other got one. He's trying squash you under his thumb, punishing you for doing something totally harmless that he doesn't agree with or like. What a wanker. It's none of his fucking business. I'd be FURIOUS with him.

GoldDuster · 10/07/2023 13:35

This is a completely disproportionate reaction, for someone married to a tattooed woman.

I think that this has got more to do with what the tattoo represents to him, which is you out in the world having a blast with your friends, rather than the tiny tattoo itself.