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Original poster

Husband sulking over tattoo

362 replies

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:22

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 12:49

Actually whilst I get the ' your body your choice' thing, I feel it would be a different conversation if a husband had come back from a lads trip with a permanent body modification such as tattoo or whatever when they know their wife doesn't like it.

I've seen women on here kick off about their husbands growing a beard when they don't like them, and being told its a 2 fingers up to them and done deliberately to be disrespectful etc etc etc, so whilst I think he's over reacting somewhat, I can understand why he may be 'upset'.

Add to that feeling unheard or misunderstood with the subsequent conversations I can see why it may escalate ( as many arguments do, invariably they're not to scale with the trigger).

Just trying to give the other side of things and maybe that may help

ActDottie · 10/07/2023 12:50

Massive overreaction on his part. Don’t do anything, don’t apologise he is the one that’s needs to say sorry. Just carry on with life but this is very much his to sort.

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2023 12:51

I really hate tattoos. My DH has none. If DH came home with one by surprise, I wouldn’t be able to hide that I was upset. However, I wouldn’t consider it a betrayal of our marriage as long as he hadn’t done something really extreme like a face or neck tattoo that might impact his employability.

weknowfrogsgotralalalala · 10/07/2023 12:53

You do not need to apologise or offer to have it removed. It’s your body.

I have tattoos, not many, and my husband isn’t really into them. Two of them I’ve had since I’ve been with him and didn’t discuss them beyond telling him I was getting them done.

baconcrisp · 10/07/2023 12:53

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Wherearemymarbles · 10/07/2023 12:56

Total over reaction on his part.
I dont like tattoos so if my wife wanted one I guess I’d expect her to let me know first but I wouldn’t throw my toys out of the pram if she didnt.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 10/07/2023 12:56

I think he is over reacting, but I wouldn't be thrilled if my DH came back from a lad's weekend with an impulsive tattoo from some sketchy walk in tattoo parlour, especially if he went abroad, because of the risk of infection.

What is the tattoo? Being honest is it well done or a little bit shit? Did you spend family money on it?

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 10/07/2023 12:57

I agree with previous poster - if I genuinely didn't like tattoos I wouldn't be happy. Also depends on the style / where it is etc

CornishTiger · 10/07/2023 12:57

Your body your choice.

There is nothing in your wedding vows that says you must stay the same image wise.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 12:58

He married a tattooed woman and then had a hissy fit when you got a small new tattoo, and also equated it with you shagging another man. What a fanny.

I'm not much of a fan of tattoos myself but his reaction is giving me second hand embarrassment.

Original poster
TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:59

So it's a small heart on my wrist (yes I realise probably seems bit naff), but easily covered by watch. Honestly didn't think it would be this much of a big deal, which is why I didn't mention to him, but his reaction was making me question if I was so badly wrong

OP posts:
toodlesofoodles · 10/07/2023 13:00

Stop apologising, the more you apologise the more you're reinforcing that you've done something wrong- you haven't.

You do not need his permission to modify your own body. What about if you cut your hair or dyed it a different colour? Would he expect to be asked?

The kids 100% will know something is going on if he's in the spare room and not speaking to you, the atmosphere must be absolutely awful.

I would seriously consider leaving. I can guarantee this isn't the first time he's behaved like this, is it?

HermioneKipper · 10/07/2023 13:00

This is so horrible OP.

My husband doesn’t like tattoos either but if I decided I wanted when then it’s my choice and I would be very displeased if he kicked off

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 13:01

He married a woman with tattoos, who went and got another small tattoo and he feel justified to throw a tantrum and sulk for days because you didn't ask him for N opinion? Controlling ass!

Reminds me of my friend whose now ex walked past her and didnt even acknowledge her because she slightly changed her hair colour without his permission...same level of being an asshole.

I'd say just tell him to stop overreacting because he is way too old to be acting like a toddler and absolutely do not feel bad for making decisions about your own body

continentallentil · 10/07/2023 13:01

It’s an overreaction - you already have tattoos so it can’t be that it’s a total turn off for him, it must be a control thing.

It’s your body and you can do what you like. I don’t like tattoos and my partner knows this so if he went off and got one I’d be annoyed, but certainly not like this - he doesn’t own you.

Cheeseplantt · 10/07/2023 13:01

I dont like tatoos & dont want one but he is completely out of order. Its your body & nothing to do with him. I could understand if it was on your face as that may affect your employment prospects in most jobs which would impact your family finances, but other than that he should shut his mouth after profusely apologising for his over reaction and childish behaviour. And be grateful you are still married to him.

WilkinsonM · 10/07/2023 13:01

What a prick
that's all I can say to that!

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 13:02

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 12:49

Actually whilst I get the ' your body your choice' thing, I feel it would be a different conversation if a husband had come back from a lads trip with a permanent body modification such as tattoo or whatever when they know their wife doesn't like it.

I've seen women on here kick off about their husbands growing a beard when they don't like them, and being told its a 2 fingers up to them and done deliberately to be disrespectful etc etc etc, so whilst I think he's over reacting somewhat, I can understand why he may be 'upset'.

Add to that feeling unheard or misunderstood with the subsequent conversations I can see why it may escalate ( as many arguments do, invariably they're not to scale with the trigger).

Just trying to give the other side of things and maybe that may help

the only thing it helps with is illustrating how hurt men feel when they realise their opinion in some cases does not matter and they are unheard because nobody asked or wanted them to speak out in the first place

ShoesoftheWorld · 10/07/2023 13:02

I really, REALLY hate tattoos - think they look awful and that most people happily getting them now will probably bitterly regret them in later years once they're out of fashion - and I wouldn't be at all impressed if dh came home with one, but to emotionalise it as a betrayal, akin to an affair, deserving of the silent treatment, is just odd. It's not something you've done 'to him'.

SecretVictoria · 10/07/2023 13:03

Like a pp, my main concern if my DH or anyone close to me did this would be the quality and hygiene of a place that did ‘walk ins’.

WilkinsonM · 10/07/2023 13:03

Although - I went away with friends and we got matching tattoos. I didn't ASK my DP obviously but I told him, showed him the photo and messaged him pictures from the studio. I think that's fairly normal. Did you avoid telling him before/during because you were worried about his response?

swimlyn · 10/07/2023 13:03

You don’t seem to realise that when you married, he gets full ownership of you.

You failed to ask permission.

Don’t do anything like this again.

You will need to spend years making him happy now.

ShoesoftheWorld · 10/07/2023 13:05

And if I were in his position I wouldn't have married you in the first place because I wouldn't have been attracted to you with the big tattoos - but they don't seem to have put him off, so to react like this over the extra little one, there is something else going on.

FunkyMonks · 10/07/2023 13:05

Leave I could never be with someone that dictates what I do as a grown adult.

You already had tattoos before you got together if he was that against them then why did he marry you?

Serious controlling behaviour what next doesn't like the colour or cut of your hair what clothes you wear how you interact with others when outside the house.

I would be leaving his ass immediately.

PermanentTemporary · 10/07/2023 13:06

I have got to think something else is going on.

Ask him what's on his mind. Has he wanted to do anything recently that you've refused?