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Original poster

Husband sulking over tattoo

362 replies

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:22

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 10/07/2023 13:37

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2023 12:51

I really hate tattoos. My DH has none. If DH came home with one by surprise, I wouldn’t be able to hide that I was upset. However, I wouldn’t consider it a betrayal of our marriage as long as he hadn’t done something really extreme like a face or neck tattoo that might impact his employability.

I also really dislike tattoos, and if my husband got one without warning I would be upset but I think unless there is more to this he's massively overreacting.

His overreaction is even more bizarre as OP already has several tattoos so clearly he is happy to live with them.

Unless the tattoos are really obvious such as facial ones, or somehow offensive, have negative associations/meanings or are in some way insensitive to him in which case his reaction might be more understandable.

QueensBees · 10/07/2023 13:38

My guess is that he was feeling out out by you being away Wo him on a girl holidays.
The tattoo was just an excuse to make you feel bad about the whole thing.

Except that he took it too far with the ‘having an affair’ metaphor - because you then took him to his words and suggested divorce if that’s how he feels about it. I’d suggest he expected you to do your best to convince him nit to etc… instead.

Does it ring a bell?

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 13:38

I think people who try and justify his reaction are missing the point that this tiny tattoo akin to a doodle is actually probably way smaller and less visible than OPs other tattoos

That alone suggests that its not about the aesthetics of it but the fact she did it without asking him for permission. It's about control

pictoosh · 10/07/2023 13:39

I agree @GoldDuster - maybe he doesn't like that you have a meaningful bond with your friends and had a great time without him. The tattoo is a threat to his ego. The twat.

1HughJass · 10/07/2023 13:39

My husband would even DREAM of telling me what I can/can't do with my own body. You're not his property and it's concerning that he thinks he gets a say. Stop apologising, it's NOTHING like having an affair and the fact he has said that would make me question if he is either looking for a reason to punish you because he didn't like you having a girly weekend away and he wants to exert control or because he is having an affair and is looking for a reason to end your relationship.
Crazy behaviour OP don't put up with that shit!

hammie46i · 10/07/2023 13:41

I find his reaction disturbing. He is asserting his control over you.

fourlambbhunas · 10/07/2023 13:41

Wow he sounds like an arse. When I got a tattoo it didn't even occur to ask my husband and he would absolutely never expect me to 🤣

Cherrysoup · 10/07/2023 13:42

Why did you apologise? How has he reacted to your other tattoos? Were they acquired before he met you? Seems like a massive over-reaction to me, particularly given how small it is.

AffIt · 10/07/2023 13:42

I don't like tattoos and if my currently un-inked OH suddenly came home with a tattoo, I might be a bit annoyed.

His body, his choice, right enough, but I also wouldn't be unreasonable in backing up a view I've made quite clear for the past 20 years. I'd get over it in the long term, though.

In your case, OP, it's a bit more complicated, given that you already have multiple large tattoos. What do you think triggered this? It sounds like a massive overreaction.

Pandorapitstop · 10/07/2023 13:43

Stop apologising to him

Tophy124 · 10/07/2023 13:43

This is INSANE!! My husband has tattoos and I’ve always been supportive, even if I don’t like the designs he has. It’s his body after all! Likewise when I got a tattoo with my mother he didn’t even ask what I was getting and he actually paid for both of us to go! Him bringing up divorce over this would make me furious and so call his bluff.

Pandorapitstop · 10/07/2023 13:44

He’s feeling guilty about something himself

InSpainTheRain · 10/07/2023 13:44

Either he is being controlling - or he is making a fuss because he wants to leave the relationship but doesn't want to be the "bad guy", so he's causing a fight.

He doesn't get to call the shots on your body so decide what YOU want to do.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 13:45

Maray1967 · 10/07/2023 13:34

This is my view as well. I told my then 18 year old DS that if he got a tattoo I would not support him at uni. Tough perhaps, but I did it to make him stop and think. Now 23, he’s glad he didn’t get one. If he got one now, it’s his choice - I wouldn’t like it, but I wouldn’t punish him.
Your DH is punishing you- he is totally out of order. All this rubbish about betrayal is exactly that - rubbish.

Show quote history

I think that's beyond 'tough'. Manipulative and controlling might be more accurate

GADDay · 10/07/2023 13:46

Maray1967 · 10/07/2023 13:34

This is my view as well. I told my then 18 year old DS that if he got a tattoo I would not support him at uni. Tough perhaps, but I did it to make him stop and think. Now 23, he’s glad he didn’t get one. If he got one now, it’s his choice - I wouldn’t like it, but I wouldn’t punish him.
Your DH is punishing you- he is totally out of order. All this rubbish about betrayal is exactly that - rubbish.

Show quote history

You threatened to not support your child over the possibility of them making a choice about their own body, as an adult?

You might want to keep that to yourself in future. It makes look like a nutcase.

pictoosh · 10/07/2023 13:49

Seriously, I'd haul him over the coals for his self-importance and sheer audacity to carry on like he is over nothing. For trying to insinuate that I had committed some moral crime against him and our marriage. For taking to the spare room to punish me.
I would be the angry and betrayed one, not him. I'd be raging and HE would be apologising.
I suspect your husband would hate being married to me.

GrinAndVomit · 10/07/2023 13:50

I hate tattoos. My husband has three. If he went away and got another, small, tattoo I’d probably roll my eyes but I love him too much for it to really matter.
.

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 13:51

That alone suggests that its not about the aesthetics of it but the fact she did it without asking him for permission. It's about control

On the other hand perhaps as she knew he didn't like tattoos he feels that it's a lack of respect for his feelings. I'd be more than annoyed if OH deliberately did something he knew I'd not approve of without even speaking to me about it. I've always felt that in our relationship we take each others likes and dislikes into account.

OP should probably find herself a partner who loves tattoos, there's lots about I'm sure.

Grimchmas · 10/07/2023 13:51

Please for goodness sake stop apologising and offering to have it lasered off. It's YOUR body, It's YOUR right to have the tattoo, and no, being married does NOT give him rights over your body.

I can understand a partner having a preference for no tattoos - (that's me) but that partner has ZERO rights to tell you what you can and can't do with your own body FFS.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 13:52

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 13:51

That alone suggests that its not about the aesthetics of it but the fact she did it without asking him for permission. It's about control

On the other hand perhaps as she knew he didn't like tattoos he feels that it's a lack of respect for his feelings. I'd be more than annoyed if OH deliberately did something he knew I'd not approve of without even speaking to me about it. I've always felt that in our relationship we take each others likes and dislikes into account.

OP should probably find herself a partner who loves tattoos, there's lots about I'm sure.

OP's husband should have found an untattooed partner who disliked tattoos as much as he does.

ZebraDilemma · 10/07/2023 13:53

He sounds like a controlling monster OP.

StarchySturgess1 · 10/07/2023 13:53

Your body your choice. Tell him to get fucked.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 13:54

BigFatLiar · 10/07/2023 13:51

That alone suggests that its not about the aesthetics of it but the fact she did it without asking him for permission. It's about control

On the other hand perhaps as she knew he didn't like tattoos he feels that it's a lack of respect for his feelings. I'd be more than annoyed if OH deliberately did something he knew I'd not approve of without even speaking to me about it. I've always felt that in our relationship we take each others likes and dislikes into account.

OP should probably find herself a partner who loves tattoos, there's lots about I'm sure.

you cannot expect your partner to constantly think about every half-formulated like or dislike you have ever voiced to them. OP husband clearly didn't mind these big tattoo enough to be put off before so no reasonable person would consider him throwing this level of tantrum over a tiny heart

and i bet you dont remember your partners every like or dislike - just like OP husband somehow forgot she likes tattoos when he married her despite the evidence being on her skin every day of her life

Jongleterre · 10/07/2023 13:56

I don't like tattoos and neither does my husband. I simply would never have dated anyone who had a tattoo.

If however my husband did go and get one I would be disappointed and say so and possibly there would be some ribbing over it every now and then but I wouldn't get nasty about it.

The thing is he married you knowing you had tattoos and with that comes the possibility that you would add to them which you have so he can't really complain.

GADDay · 10/07/2023 13:56

Your partner thinks he is the Sheriff and you are the little lady.

He is pissed off on multiple fronts

  1. You had fun without him.
  2. You have strong friendships, independent of your marriage.
  3. You did something that demonstrates you are independent.
  4. He thinks he has control and that bodily autonomy is an unreasonable expectation in a marriage.

Do not apologise again. Calmly tell him that you are sad he is angry and treating you so badly. Do not engage any further.

Oh and tell him that misogynistic, controlling Sheriff's died out in about 1980. So he needs to get with the programme and stop behaving like a dick.

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