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Original poster

Husband sulking over tattoo

362 replies

TinyDancer86 · 10/07/2023 12:22

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:39

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 16:37

@MumblesParty even your example, while questionable, don't compare to this level of meltdown over a tiny tattoo

He’s as entitled to his opinion as she is to a tattoo

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 16:40

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:38

Well he clearly didn’t expect her to sneakily have another one, so either she hadn’t told him she was planning more, or he’s a bit thick.

Anyway, I’m simply saying that changing your appearance does affect those around you. You have the right to change your appearance, your friends/family have the right to an opinion, which make be strongly held. Nothing you can do about it.

Show quote history

sometimes your thoughts should remain inside your head - these include comments about the appearance of your friends and family. but thats besides the point of this thread

Freefall212 · 10/07/2023 16:40

Comeandsee53 · 10/07/2023 16:38

Hmm not sure I agree. I'm on OP's side rightly so and love tattoos, but if my partner came home with the word ' c u next Tuesday' across his face I wouldn't be best pleased as he'd also lose his job & we have a mortgage to pay 😂

Show quote history

But it is his body and his choice and you would be a controlling asshole if you didn't support him in doing what he wants with his body.

Naunet · 10/07/2023 16:40

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:32

MN is full of threads by women who are upset that their husbands are fat, unfit, smoking, drinking, unwashed etc , and they are always supported in their unhappiness with the situation. All of these things are choices the men have the right to make, it’s their body, they can do what they like. Which is obviously true. But when you’re married to someone, the choices you make about your appearance will affect them too, and they have a right to an opinion, and a right to have feelings about it. No one has the right to stop another adult have a tattoo, but it’s foolish to assume that no one else is affected by it.

Yeah, someone who doesn’t wash but expects sex, is exactly like a tiny tattoo on a wrist. 🙄

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 16:40

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:39

He’s as entitled to his opinion as she is to a tattoo

Show quote history

sure he is, but he wasn't asked for one and its his ridiculous and overdramatic reaction that is the issue, not his opinion

category12 · 10/07/2023 16:40

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:34

I don’t recall her clarifying the situation.
But you can call me a liar of you want. Whatever.

Show quote history

I'm not calling you a liar, but you made up a scenario that is not based on anything the OP has said to justify your own bias and the husband's overreaction. One which suggested OP had been disingenuous or had even lied to her husband about her feelings about tattoos.

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 16:41

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 15:31

@baileys6904 its not about being upset, its how much they have overreacted. He it taking it to the brink of divorce by comparing a small tattoo to an affair

And if you read my post, I said that I don't think it's a direct relationship between argument reaction and tattoo but more something behind it such as feeling unheard and it being a fingers up.

Just like women have said, when a bloke does something deliberately that their OH don't like....

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 16:42

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:38

Well he clearly didn’t expect her to sneakily have another one, so either she hadn’t told him she was planning more, or he’s a bit thick.

Anyway, I’m simply saying that changing your appearance does affect those around you. You have the right to change your appearance, your friends/family have the right to an opinion, which make be strongly held. Nothing you can do about it.

Show quote history

I don't understand how someone else getting a tattoo affects you.

Cas112 · 10/07/2023 16:42

Absolutely leave him the controlling freak

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:42

Naunet · 10/07/2023 16:40

Yeah, someone who doesn’t wash but expects sex, is exactly like a tiny tattoo on a wrist. 🙄

Show quote history

Well personally I’d be able to ignore a small tattoo more easily than horrific BO, but not everyone feels that way. Plenty of people have no problem with having sex with someone who smells. The point I’m trying to make, is that changing your appearance may or may not upset your partner.

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:43

category12 · 10/07/2023 16:40

I'm not calling you a liar, but you made up a scenario that is not based on anything the OP has said to justify your own bias and the husband's overreaction. One which suggested OP had been disingenuous or had even lied to her husband about her feelings about tattoos.

Show quote history

I don’t think we know what conversations they’d had in the past

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 16:43

Does this remind anyone else of the Jonah Hill messages?

Where he's telling his partner off for being in a bikini around other men when she is a surfing instructor?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees the parallels

category12 · 10/07/2023 16:44

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:43

I don’t think we know what conversations they’d had in the past

Show quote history

We don't so you shouldn't make up stuff.

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 16:44

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 16:41

And if you read my post, I said that I don't think it's a direct relationship between argument reaction and tattoo but more something behind it such as feeling unheard and it being a fingers up.

Just like women have said, when a bloke does something deliberately that their OH don't like....

Show quote history

he is upset because she didnt consider his vague dislike for tattoos knowing he married her while she had some

maybe if some people were not so egocentric they'd realise their partners can make decisions about their own bodies without even considering their opinion

that being said i have my own bias because i used to be with someone throwing tantrums over hairstyles...and even my ex, who was the most immature and dramatic person ive ever known, didnt take his tantrums this far and remained "just" passive-aggressive

Comeandsee53 · 10/07/2023 16:44

Freefall212 · 10/07/2023 16:40

But it is his body and his choice and you would be a controlling asshole if you didn't support him in doing what he wants with his body.

Show quote history

Are you actually serious 😂

ILikeCatsandDogs · 10/07/2023 16:45

It feels to me like he didn’t like the sound of who you were when you got the tattoos and now you’ve just got another one he has to face that you’re actually still that person. It’s the only way I can see it being compared to an affair. Whether he’s right or not obviously I don’t know.

ThePM · 10/07/2023 16:46

He wasn’t asked for his opinion. Her actions demonstrated that his opinion was of zero interest to her.

Maybe that was the point.

And I’m not denying that there may be huge levels of complexity/dysfunction sitting behind all that

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 16:46

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 16:43

Does this remind anyone else of the Jonah Hill messages?

Where he's telling his partner off for being in a bikini around other men when she is a surfing instructor?

Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees the parallels

you're right! very similar vibe...

similar vibe - same MO: first get with someone and the try and change everything about them while making it sound like a personal attack on you when they disobey

and some replies clearly show similar pattern of thinking - trying to justify control and then even making up scenarios to support the argument

clpsmum · 10/07/2023 16:46

ThePM · 10/07/2023 16:46

He wasn’t asked for his opinion. Her actions demonstrated that his opinion was of zero interest to her.

Maybe that was the point.

And I’m not denying that there may be huge levels of complexity/dysfunction sitting behind all that

Good - quite right. His opinion is of no relevance. HER BODY HER CHOICE

PaintedEgg · 10/07/2023 16:48

@ThePM you are so close to understanding that sometimes our opinions don't matter. Now imagine that we should just accept that and not act like dickheads about it

Freefall212 · 10/07/2023 16:48

Comeandsee53 · 10/07/2023 16:44

Are you actually serious 😂

Show quote history

Did you read the thread? Posters compared him to the Taliban. And that no one needs to ask for permission for anything related to their body from a spouse. The thread is full of posters who say 100% her body, her choice. That a married adult can do anything they wish to their bodies and that is is no business of their spouse and expecting to be consulted makes one like the Taliban - which is worse than a controlling asshole if you look at what the Taliban do.

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:48

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 10/07/2023 16:42

I don't understand how someone else getting a tattoo affects you.

Show quote history

OK well there’s a visual issue of course - a tattoo is visible, and anyone who isn’t blind uses visual stimuli all the time.
Theres a mindset. I feel that having a tattoo is a stupid thing to do, permanently marking yourself in a way that is likely to look worse as you get older. It would make me feel less connected to someone, as I’d know that they had a very different mindset to me.
If I’d thought I knew them well, I’d feel I didn’t know them as well as I thought, and that would make me sad.

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 16:49

category12 · 10/07/2023 16:44

We don't so you shouldn't make up stuff.

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i didn’t ask anythin up. I just suggested a possible scenario. We don’t know the real situation.

Comeandsee53 · 10/07/2023 16:49

Freefall212 · 10/07/2023 16:48

Did you read the thread? Posters compared him to the Taliban. And that no one needs to ask for permission for anything related to their body from a spouse. The thread is full of posters who say 100% her body, her choice. That a married adult can do anything they wish to their bodies and that is is no business of their spouse and expecting to be consulted makes one like the Taliban - which is worse than a controlling asshole if you look at what the Taliban do.

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😂

Jl2014 · 10/07/2023 16:49

Your body, your choice. Nothing to do with him. Creepy, controlling behaviour. I would genuinely question the long term suitability of someone like this.