Husband sulking over tattoo

[TinyDancer86]

Just after some advice how to manage situation and whether what I did was wrong, feeling sad currently.

Went on a girly weekend recently - end of tough period, lots family illness and bereavement. We all ended up getting small matching tattoos as celebration/ memory.

Husband furious - both about the tattoo and that we didn't discuss it beforehand. Says he hates tattoos and that he has told me this often, so he feels I have done it out of spite and that we didn't dicuss it as I knew he would say no. FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction.

He says be feels betrayed and even compared it to having an affair! I apologised and tried to explain, offered to have it lasered off - he said no this as would cause a scar and that the damage is done and he 'would always know'. In heat of moment I said then maybe only option would be divorce if he felt comparable to breaking marriage vows!

He slept in spare room since, and is refusing to talk to me.

Now sure what to do. I have apologised and tried to explain, but also feel his reaction was a big overreaction (especially when comparing to extra marital afffair) and that it's my body and he shouldn't be dictating what I do with it. FYI, tattoo is very small, visible part of body but can be covered.

this is what OP said:

"FYI I had 3 much larger tattoos before we met, and he has generally mentioned he doesn't like tattoos but nothing that made me think this would be the reaction."

your scenario literally makes no sense in this context

@Freefall212 if my husband has this level of reaction to tiny change in my appearance i'd probably call him much worse 😂

But they already had tattoos when they met. So no change in mindsets. OPs stance on tattoos hasn't changed. So he did know her.
If you think tattoos are stupid and feel that strongly about them, you don't get with someone who doesn't share your view.

Where you are going wrong is apologising!

why are you doing that????

it’s your body, why does that need his permission???

I could maybe understand if you had no tattoos and just had a huge one in a very visible place but he knew you liked them as you wouldn’t have had the ones you already did and back to my earlier point, it isn’t his decision to make!

We know what the OP has shared, and none of it suggests she pretended she no longer liked tattoos to please him. 🙄

Probably she wouldn't have been so surprised by his reaction if she'd felt that was a necessary ploy to appease him before.

And you’re allowed to be upset, what your not allowed to do is have such a massive over reaction, punish your partner and try to control them.

i didn’t ask anythin up. I just suggested a possible scenario.

And yes, it was entirely making up a scenario. 🙄

Much of the name calling above wasn't related to his reaction - it was related to her body and her choice and crticism of the idea that a person should or would be expected to consult their spouse before making permanent alterations to their appearnce.

Your body your choice is a separate issue from how one reacts to something done to a spouse's body.

The magnitute of the change is irrelevant in the your body your choice argument.

STOP APOLOGISING! It is literally none of his business.

this thread is very much about his reaction. He has previously said he wasn't a fan of her tattoos and she was seemingly ok with it, just ignored it.

So she had tattoos she liked, he openly said he didn't like them. If he said he didn't like her new tattoo it would ve case closed - after all he didn't like the previous ones so why would he like this one? He is entitled to his own opinion

What he did was batshit crazy - he said she should have asked for permission, compared it to having an affair and then gave her silent treatment. That's waaay more then just expressing one's opinion - especially since his opinion was already known. He just got pissed she didnt ask for permission

"not allowed"? So she has a right to control how he feels and acts and what he is allowed to feel and do?

Do men also have that right to tell their wives you aren't allowed to feel the way you do and you aren't allowed to act the way you are acting if they feel it is disproportionate to a situation?

I loathe tattoos. Really really dislike them.

No judgement against anyone who has them, what people do with their body is completely up to them, and I don't think less of the person for getting one, I just really dislike the look of them.

As a result, I've never really been out with a person who had them, at least past the point of finding out they've got one.

DP doesn't have any, and I think I would be hurt if she got one done without talking to me about it first. Not because I have any ownership over her body, but because depending on where and how big it is, it is going to have an effect on our sex life, and I'd rather she had that information when she made the decision.

Luckily for me, while DP would probably like a tattoo, she's absolutely petrified of needles so it's unlikely to be a problem!

Id imagine it's not the tattoo itself that has gotten this reaction from OPs husband, but the fact that she didn't consider him at all before getting it done. He'd probably be less annoyed if she'd asked him what he thought, and then did it anyway.

a man would be allowed to tell his wife to not compare change in appearance to cheating or to not give him silent treatment as punishment

Now I'm not a fan of tattoos, and would find them extremely off putting in a partner, but yikes, he sees your body as his property.

Your comment was about his reaction. I would say half the comments in this thread are about her body and her choice and how she does not in any way need his permission to do anything she wishes to her own body.

There are two issues. Some posters are addressing one (her body, her choice, none of his business) some are addressing the other (he overreacted to a small tattoo).

The comment about the Taliban was solely about her body her choice, none of his business.

He's allowed to feel whatever he likes, but giving the silent treatment, making accusations etc is behaving very badly.

He could express disappointment, upset, not liking it, whatever in legitimate and healthier ways, but behaving as he has is dysfunctional and likely controlling.

"Generally he isn't controlling (I don't think), although this reaction is making me question other aspects of the relationship dynamics"

What are the 'other' things you're questioning?

He could tell her she isn't allowed to make those statements or act that way?

The comment wasn't about what he was not allowed to do not about someone being allowed to say something to them about it.

So if a woman is giving her husband the silent treatment and he tells her she is not allowed to do that - what then happens? If she isn't allowed to not talk to him and and she doesn't talk anyway then what happens? If your spouse does something you have told them they are not allowed to do, how do you follow up on them doing something they aren't allowed to do? Or how does your spouse follow up if you acted in a way they decided you aren't allowed to act?

You can agree / disagree or like / dislike a reaction but allowing / not allowing a reaction seems pointless. are you going to discipline him or her for doing something they aren't allowed to do?

Saying he does not like it, fair enough. Not all the other parts of the reaction.

I don't disagree but that is different from saying a man or woman is not allowed to give the silent treatment and not talk to their spouse.

He sounds controlling and manipulative.

His reaction is a bit over board. Does he own you ?

you would be a controlling asshole if you didn't support him in doing what he wants with his body

I completely disagree with this. I would not support my partner if he wanted to have a tattoo or a piercing or grow a great big beard or wear trainers. In the same way, he wouldn't support me if I decided to get tattooed or pierced or started wandering around in smelly old "joggers".

People can do what they like with their bodies, but they can't expect their nearest and dearest to support them and approve of their choices. One of my DC has an eyebrow piercing and it's obviously her choice, but I'm not going to pretend I think it looks anything other than horrible.

You think trying to control someone is acceptable behaviour? You don’t have the right, and in some cases it’s a crime. It’s scary that you even need that explained to you.

The silent treatment is often an emotionally abusive behaviour in relationships = it's not a healthy way to treat a partner. If you're doing it to punish your partner for crossing you in some way, then it definitely is abusive.

So no, you're not "allowed" to do it to people - it's a suboptimal, often damaging behaviour and not a good strategy for dealing with conflict.

Sometimes we have shit tools for dealing with conflict in relationships and that's something to work on, not "allow" ourselves.