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Original poster

DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

204 replies

Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:20

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

OP posts:
Yyfandes · 08/07/2023 23:23

If my husband ever asked me to choose him over my horse, it would be over. My horse is a huge part of my life, I don't want to give them up. Also because even if I did give up my horse, I would never forgive my husband.

RandomMess · 08/07/2023 23:27

Hmmm

I think he's being selfish, when he's free and it suits him he wants you around.

I would do a timetable of when he does what he wants.

He could also go to the stables with you once or twice a week for you to spend time together.

Thatbloomindog · 08/07/2023 23:28

Love your user name.

I understand the situation, it’s not an u common one. All I can say if that horses bring so much to your life I can’t imagine what you would replace it with. They do cost time and money and family and friends often don’t understand. But if you give up it’s hard to get back into.
Horses are in your blood. It’s not like a normal hobby. Giving up eill be sacrificing part of who you are.
I guess he needs to accept you for you or not…

roseopose · 08/07/2023 23:29

Really unreasonable to expect you to give up something that meets so many of your needs so you can be more available for him when he's not busy himself. Horses are a way of life, not easy to just replace with a cheaper or less time consuming hobby that would bring you the same joy. I assume you've looked at cheaper places to keep him? Is the working at the stable going to be long term? This would really put me off someone to be honest. My partner knows how much I love my animals and when I've been ill/pregnant has looked after my horse himself despite not really liking them which enabled me to keep her. It's quite cold to view your horse as something you can just give up. He isn't understanding what it means to you I don't think.

RuperttheBearHug · 08/07/2023 23:30

I identify with your post 100%. I have two and didn’t have them when I met DH. He hates how much they cost, won’t go near them and mutters frequently about the crazy amount of time and money they cost. All credit to you for working off some of your bills at the yard, I worry constantly about affording mine.

Much as he won’t interact with my horses, DH has very much come to the conclusion that I would be so desperately unhappy without them, this is just life and one of those things. We both have better quality of life together and he is as supportive as he can be without endorsing any of it. Knowing the toll horses can take on any relationship, I think your husband is right to call this out if he’s not getting what he needs from you but if my DH did this, I would very very sadly have to let him leave as I wouldn’t be me without my horses in my life. Good luck.

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2023 23:33

Bizarre that people put animals before humans!

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 23:33

Could you rent your horse out?
Maybe there's a suitable rider or two who would pay to come ride for a few hours per week.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 08/07/2023 23:35

I would never give up a living thing for a man!!
You have a responsibility to your horse...

Ditch the dodo and keep the horse..

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 23:36

he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money

if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc

So basically he wants you to give up something very important to you, your passion, but he doesn't feel the need to give up anything himself? Does he want you to stay at home waiting for him to summon you for company when he feels like it? Sounds like he's jealous that he isn't 100% of your world.

Circumferences · 08/07/2023 23:37

Can't you teach him a bit of horsey stuff so he can join you in your hobby?

SwansLake · 08/07/2023 23:37

Always choose the person/thing that isn't 'making' you choose, so your horse!

SoSadForCav · 08/07/2023 23:39

@Breehinny what were the responses like last time you posted that? Why do you think they'll be different this time??

Hirse v Husband issuing ultimatum? I'd help him pack his bags. No brainer .

Original poster
Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:41

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2023 23:33

Bizarre that people put animals before humans!

It’s not just about the animal though, it’s everything else I get out of having and spending time with that animal, and the bond you create with that animal. I’m an animal lover, and I also love my dogs dearly and would never give them up in a million years. In all honestly I do prefer animals to people, they are innocent and don’t ask anything of you other than love and care.

I obviously love my husband and I would choose him if it really really came down to it, but then perhaps I would resent him for forcing me to make that decision. Either way I feel like there is no way for me to win, horses have always been a huge part of my life, and always will be, and I would be extremely unhappy without my horse. But I would also be unhappy without my husband, so perhaps you see my dilemma.

OP posts:
rigamortiz · 08/07/2023 23:42

I'm not a horse person but Ihave a DH with expensive hobbies. I can't imagine him ever telling me to give up mine because of the expense of time or money. We'd be more likely to compromise so we both ended up with equal time and hobbies. At the moment his are more consuming but only because mine is gardening 🤣 his hobbies are cycling and diving (we live hours from any cove sites).

Original poster
Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:43

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 23:33

Could you rent your horse out?
Maybe there's a suitable rider or two who would pay to come ride for a few hours per week.

I am definitely considering this, unfortunately my horse is lame at the moment but when he’s back to his old self I will be looking for a sharer/part loaner.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/07/2023 23:45

I haven't read anything except the title and I'm saying stick with the horse

Original poster
Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:46

SoSadForCav · 08/07/2023 23:39

@Breehinny what were the responses like last time you posted that? Why do you think they'll be different this time??

Hirse v Husband issuing ultimatum? I'd help him pack his bags. No brainer .

Sorry I’m not sure what you mean in relation to the first part, I’ve not asked this before.

OP posts:
CharChar91 · 08/07/2023 23:49

I gave up my horse last year and I've regretted it every day since. And aside from missing my horse dearly it's everything else that goes with the territory too. The outdoors, the exercise, the bond etc. My mental health and fitness have never been so poor.
Can you look in to a sharer perhaps? They could pay you a small weekly fee and see to your horse a set number of days a week as if it were their own? X

TreesandFish · 08/07/2023 23:49

Could you afford the horse if you get divorced? I'm not saying it'll come to this point but it's worth thinking about it. If you don't put more into your relationship and it comes to that point, what's your plan?

Original poster
Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:51

CharChar91 · 08/07/2023 23:49

I gave up my horse last year and I've regretted it every day since. And aside from missing my horse dearly it's everything else that goes with the territory too. The outdoors, the exercise, the bond etc. My mental health and fitness have never been so poor.
Can you look in to a sharer perhaps? They could pay you a small weekly fee and see to your horse a set number of days a week as if it were their own? X

Yes I’ve previously had a sharer and will consider this again in future. He’s currently lame unfortunately but on a rehab programme so as soon as he’s back to his old self I will find someone.
Also I’m sorry to hear you had to give yours up, I hope whatever your situation is it changes for the better and don’t give up hope, you may get your horse back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:53

TreesandFish · 08/07/2023 23:49

Could you afford the horse if you get divorced? I'm not saying it'll come to this point but it's worth thinking about it. If you don't put more into your relationship and it comes to that point, what's your plan?

Yes, in fact I could probably afford him more if I did lol! My horse comes out of my own personal money and is nothing to do with my husband. I would love him to be more involved but at this moment he’s not interested.

OP posts:
foxlover47 · 08/07/2023 23:59

Personally I would choose my horse and my dogs over any partner , but that's me. I feel he is being really unfair , it's not like your horse is stopping him from doing his activities and going out with his mates / away etc

backinthebox · 09/07/2023 00:00

I love my husband. My husband loves me. Which is why he would never ask me to choose between him and the horses. I can’t tell you which to choose, as I know I would be bereft without either horse or husband. But I have handed back two other very significant things in my life when asked to choose between the thing and my horse. You cannot choose between the freedom and the physical and mental health benefits a horse brings, and other mundane stuff. There simply is no choice to be made. Horse every time.

planningnightmare · 09/07/2023 00:01

I'd never give up something that is such a huge part of my life.

I'm mind blown it did not occur to your H that he could support you with the stable costs, so you didn't need to do the extra work, hence have more time for him.

I really hope you will keep your horse

neilyoungismyhero · 09/07/2023 00:01

I had similar with my GSD who was a bit of a pain through no fault of his own. My husband kept telling me he had to go go, then it became 'its me or the dog'. I got so sick of it I told him he should stop threatening that or he might not like the choice I made. He kept quiet after that.