DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

[Breehinny]

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

I think the OP should copy your tactic!

How many hours a week are you with the horse versus him playing golf, just out of interest?

How long has this been going on for and how long is it likely to go on for and is he having to walk your dogs because you're out of the house two full days at the weekend?

Funnily enough, he plays golf. He spends hours at a time playing, sometimes gone all day on the weekends and then going for a few pints after with his friends. I absolutely do not mind this, because I have the horse lol

so he's fine spending hours away when it suits him including socialising with other people, but when you want to socialise with your best friend your horse then somehow he thinks that's different and gets the 'ump. Really, that's massive double-standards!

i don't think he sounds as great as you say he is.

It’s a difficult one
you say you pay for the horse out of your money but you being skint must impact on him
your out 3 nights during the week and work every weekend
He picks the slack up with dog

honestly I don’t see How this couldn’t impact your relationship

if there was a post saying DH cycles/golf 3 nights a week and every sat/sun and he’s skint because if it
you’d hear the screams from space he’s selfish and not committed to you

The horse does a lot for my mental health, as does spending time with the people I love obviously, but one without the other would have a huge impact on me. I’m not saying I would end my life if I lost my horse, far from it, but it would take away a lot more than just the animal, it takes away the fresh air, the exercise, the social life of being at the yard and seeing friends there, and I would love DH to be a part of that but I won’t force him into something he has no interest in.

OP,

In your place I think you need to stand up to his threats and bullying of you.

Threats are not good.

He wants you cleaning and sat waiting for him.🙄

Him needing to step up with the dogs etc., doesn't suit him.

You need to write down on paper exactly how much time he spends out of the house on work and hobbies etc.

He sounds selfish and certainly not someone to be having children with.

I play a bit of tennis and occasionally a bit of golf.
One of my younger tennis friends has a golf mad husband.
He was always going on about it being so good for him.
She took tennis back up suddenly after years of not playing, when her children joined our club.
It was a steep learning curve for him and he was very upset that he had to be home for 7pm several nights to sort out the children etc., if he wanted to play golf on a Saturday.
He had never concerned himself about the children when he skipped out for his 6+hours on a Saturday.
Now suddenly she was doing something for her mental health.
She entered a sunday morning competition that meant she left him to it on a sunday to sort the children out for several months.
It was a sharp much needed adjustment to their family life.

He had had his way for too long.

Do not give up that horse for what sounds like a very selfish man.

Why would you be better off financially if you divorced?
What way are your finances set up?

It wouldn't suit me if I had to step up for more than a week or two with someone else's dogs.

I wouldn't want to be doing that for more than a few weeks in this situation.

I have done it when my oh broke his wrist and couldn't walk them, but that was only for a few weeks.

If he couldn't ever walk his dogs, or it had been going on for months with no end in sight, I'd resent him for expecting me to do it and it impinging on my life like that.

Can you actually afford the horse long term? What can you put in place to pay for vet bills etc going forward?

This is it, I can totally understand where he’s coming from but he also has his hobbies that if I didn’t have the horse I would still only see him roughly the same amount of time anyway. I spend a couple of hours in the evening after work at the yard, and then yard work all day Saturday and Sunday. I am trying to find out if I can at least drop a day on the weekend for now, so that we can spend that full day together, and 3 evenings in the week together. We do stuff together in the week, like date nights and I’ve had days/weekends off if we’ve had plans.

My issue really is that he’s asking this of me without considering that he is happy to leave me alone to do the things he loves if I did actually give up my horse.

I am 100% understanding of his annoyance at having to pick up the slack with the dogs, because I am totally exhausted some days but I still care for our dogs and if I don’t walk them I will do mental stimulation with them instead or play with toys in the house, it doesn’t happen very often. My time at the yard is short term though so it won’t be this way for much longer because I also can’t keep living an exhausted life.

Financially I’m not that skint to the point I have to ask him to dip into our joint finances, I’m just having to scrimp and save on livery costs as there’s some vet fees to pay for. Again, temporary (I hope).

How long has this been going on for? And what's the prognosis for when the horse will no longer be lame?

Thank you I really appreciate your perspective, I am hoping we can come to a compromise, a balance on having both of our hobbies but also time together.

Sorry I should clarify that they are our dogs, not just mine. We adopted them together and have raised them from puppies together. But I do still get his annoyance at having to pick up my slack at the moment, prior to me having to look after the horse more it was 50/50 care for the dogs.

Yes I can afford the horse long term, obviously I can’t spend a lot on other things but it’s always been that way. We live reasonably comfortably though, of course if I didn’t have the horse I’d probably be able to live a more lavish lifestyle and put towards us going away more together but we still do plenty together.
I have insurance and currently the insurance is paying partly for treatment but the other costs are being done by me unfortunately.

But if they're your joint dogs he's still having to pick up more than his fair share?

How long has this been going on for?

You're financially comfortable but the Horse is your sole financial responsibility and you're impacting the marriage by having to work to keep the horse...surely the answer is that you use some of the joint finances to fund the horse to enable you to spend more time at home...no?

2-3 months of me doing the yard work to the extent I am now. When he’s recovered I will be able to sell him if that is what I do decide to do, or take on a sharer as he will be rideable again. Either way as soon as the vet bills stop I can afford to pay for livery again and stop doing the work to keep him. At the moment, I am probably looking at a few more months of this arrangement.

I'm really sorry but six months plus of this would really piss me off.

I can see why he's annoyed.

Where does the money for his expensive hobbies come from? Is it less than your horse , or does he have more money than you, or are you contributing to his expenses through the joint finances so you have less personal for your horse? If it’s the 2nd or the 3rd, he should contribute to the costs while you’re short.

if my Dh played golf and went out regularly but got bored when he found himself at home while I was wiht my horse, I’d say are you more important than me or not? If you genuinely think you are then fuck off. If you think I should be home when you want me then golf and the weekends away etc ends now. We are equals or we are exes.

I know, I’m not disputing that and get where he’s coming from with the dogs. Unfortunately the change of circumstances has been out of my control and not by choice, my horse sustained an injury and required more attention and care and more money, so to balance out the money I started doing the yard work until my horse is better. It’s been about 2-3 months so far, and looking to be another few months before things can change back to the way it was.
That said, my husband has never been fully happy with me spending time with the horse even when it was only a couple of hours a week, and I was walking the dogs daily.

Since starting this job at the stables I will be honest in saying I’ve neglected some house work

Why are you responsible for the housework? Does he do any? Who cooks?

Why do you have to give up the thing you love so he can see you more, when he’s the one who’s not around much? Why is he not sacrificing something to spend more time with you?

If I had the choice between a horse and your DH I would definitely choose the horse.

That said, my husband has never been fully happy with me spending time with the horse even when it was only a couple of hours a week, and I was walking the dogs daily

What a selfish, self-centred man.

If my DH asked me to choose between him and my dog I know which I’d choose.
As long as you are earning to be able to afford the horse, and doing your half at home, I don’t see his point considering his hobbies.

I have my horse on DIY and spend less time on care than you do working. Even in winter it's an early start to muck out and turn out and a quick evening visit to bring in and feed. Can you go DIY to cut costs or does that not work with your work schedule/local availability?

We have a joint finances for mortgage and bills but then have our own finances for other stuff. In all honesty he probably spends quite a bit more than me on his hobbies than I do my horse, but he earns much more than I do. I think he would contribute financially to the horse if he was getting some joy out of, which is why I’ve never asked or expected him to contribute.

So he’s greedy with his money and expects you to sit waiting for him while he plays golf? A good husband would be paying the vet bills but he is using it as a stick to get you to get rid if the horse.

He is telling you clearly what he expects. He golfs, you sit at home like a good little wife.

Contributes if he is getting joy? What about helping his wife who is getting joy? He plays golf - he’s out for hours presumably!

Do you want kids?