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Original poster

DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

204 replies

Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:20

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 01:19

Thank you all, I appreciate all the advice and kind words. Your words have definitely given me the strength to confront him on the matter in depth, and find out truly where his issue lies.

OP posts:
greenthumb13 · 09/07/2023 01:19

Well I think you say you'll give up the horse if he gives up golf 😂

mellicauli · 09/07/2023 01:36

If you are happy with the current arrangement but he wants to spend more time with you then it would make sense for him to give up his golf (or whatever) to achieve what he wants.

If he's not prepared to give up his golf, you have to question really whether he does actually want to spend more time with you. I mean, us he really is at the end of his tether when the solution to the problem lies within his own gift. And you have to ask why is asking you to do something he's not prepared to do himself.

I suspect the answer is he is a selfish git.

swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 01:36

Having read a few replies (but not the full thread) it seems you know exactly what to do - wait until horse is recovered. Find someone to share horse. This will ease financial issues and give you more free time. Have you told your husband that this is your plan? Surely this is the perfect solution for both of you. 🤷‍♀️ Not sure what the problem is here. Your husband only had an issue with the extra yard work, not the horse itself. And it sounds like this is temporary.

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 01:38

Soapboxqueen · 09/07/2023 00:17

Is your husband right? Is he second place and do you miss out on time with him to be with the horse?

If so, and you aren't prepared to change that, then you need to be straight with him. Tell him you aren't going to change and he can then make a decision about whether he stays or not.

If you are both carrying out your hobbies at similar times and therefore not missing out on time together or he could move some of his activities but refuses to, be straight about that too. Say you aren't prepared to make changes without some give and take from him.

If nothing changes, the relationship will either die quickly or very slowly.

I make as much time as possible to be with my husband, I have had to say no to outings on occasion, but actually the manager of the stables I keep my horse at is very good to me and very flexible and I’ve had weekends and days off when me and DH have had plans/time away together/family days out etc.
During the week, I spend 3 evenings with my husband after work, and 2 evenings a couple of hours at the stables, and then as part of my job at the yard I am required to be there for two full days on the weekends but as I said above, the manager has been great with allowing me time off when I’ve had other plans.

Since starting this job at the stables I will be honest in saying I’ve neglected some house work, and that sometimes I’m too tired to walk my dogs and my husband will take them out instead. Long term I don’t plan to continue helping at the stables and I am only doing so now because it’s the only way I can keep my horse currently, I want to get back to a position where I can pay for full time care for my horse as I used to, and then I will only need to make time for riding him a few times per week, my husband knows this is the plan and he says he understands and is willing to be patient yet we keep seeming to have the same conversation every few weeks.

The thing is, I’m absolutely not taking away his valid emotions over feeling that he’s not a priority, he definitely is a priority even if he doesn’t feel it, but if I do give up my horse for him then I’m left with nothing, just work, housework and dog walking (I love my dogs so not an issue obviously), and I would obviously take up some new hobbies, but then what happens when those also take time out of my life and away from him. He is also away from home about 70% of the time too, I have asked him sometimes to stay home or make time that week for time together instead but I would never dream of asking him to stop something all together.

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 09/07/2023 01:41

If my DH even gave me this kind of ultimatum he would be sent packing with a deft proverbial kick up the backside. The sheer nerve and hypocrisy of your partner is mind blowing!

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 01:43

swimminginthesun · 09/07/2023 01:36

Having read a few replies (but not the full thread) it seems you know exactly what to do - wait until horse is recovered. Find someone to share horse. This will ease financial issues and give you more free time. Have you told your husband that this is your plan? Surely this is the perfect solution for both of you. 🤷‍♀️ Not sure what the problem is here. Your husband only had an issue with the extra yard work, not the horse itself. And it sounds like this is temporary.

He knows this is the plan, and when we talk about it he says he understands that I’m not doing this long term, even if I was single I wouldn’t be doing the yard work long term, it is hard labour and I also work full time, he knows I’m not doing it because I really want to (spending time with my own horse is obviously enjoyable but looking after about 20 others is not lol). Yet, every few weeks it comes back to the same conversation, and I keep backing down and reminding him the current situation is not long term, but I don’t think I’m being firm enough about it. Sometimes it feels like he’s using this as an excuse to hold over me for whatever reason.

OP posts:
sommerinthecity · 09/07/2023 01:45

It does sound like he wants you at home knitting or something waiting for his arrival so he can get all the fuss and attention.

I wouldn't say I'm a horsey person (I can't do mornings!) but my family had horses and I just can't imagine selling them on, even less and I could think of selling my dog on. M
I actually feel I had a closer bond to the horses than the dogs because horses are much more selective with who they love and give trust, loyalty and affection to. We kept ours their whole lives, you just can't risk what would happen to them if you didn't. Once they are gone they can disappear, no matter how careful you are about screening the next owners.
Of course there are a million practical reasons why you would move a horse on, but your husband no finding you at home in your pinny waiting for him is not one of those.
Horses are such wonderful creatures, you fall in love with them and their quirks whereas husbands you can totally fall out of love with!

If you do all the work and earn the horses' keep I have no idea how he gets to dictate to you? It sounds like you don't have children together and your horse is such a positive force and focus in you life, I'd say your husband is gambling a lot that you would choose him?

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 02:09

sommerinthecity · 09/07/2023 01:45

It does sound like he wants you at home knitting or something waiting for his arrival so he can get all the fuss and attention.

I wouldn't say I'm a horsey person (I can't do mornings!) but my family had horses and I just can't imagine selling them on, even less and I could think of selling my dog on. M
I actually feel I had a closer bond to the horses than the dogs because horses are much more selective with who they love and give trust, loyalty and affection to. We kept ours their whole lives, you just can't risk what would happen to them if you didn't. Once they are gone they can disappear, no matter how careful you are about screening the next owners.
Of course there are a million practical reasons why you would move a horse on, but your husband no finding you at home in your pinny waiting for him is not one of those.
Horses are such wonderful creatures, you fall in love with them and their quirks whereas husbands you can totally fall out of love with!

If you do all the work and earn the horses' keep I have no idea how he gets to dictate to you? It sounds like you don't have children together and your horse is such a positive force and focus in you life, I'd say your husband is gambling a lot that you would choose him?

Thank you, you 100% hit the nail on the head and I feel so understood.

OP posts:
bamboonights · 09/07/2023 02:28

My second marriage failed over one or two major things, however I had two dogs who brought me so much joy and laughter before my husband and I met. Sat here now with no husband and an old man of a dog, glass of wine, a book, and peace. I didn't show them, or anything time consuming, I just loved them and they were/are my hobby. He actually whined on that I put them before him - so I did.

RantyAnty · 09/07/2023 02:37

It kind of sounds like things are ok as long as things go his way.

I would never give up a horse or other pet for a man.

and, I also wanted to be a horse as a kid! 😁

LifeExperience · 09/07/2023 02:43

Tell your husband you'll give up your horse right after he gives up golf. If he gets to have an expensive, time-consuming hobby so do you. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership and you and he should both have an equal amount of leisure time to enjoy outside pursuits.

Pawpatrolsucks · 09/07/2023 02:48

Can you try to do horse stuff early in the morning? Try to keep some time for your DH.
Have you talked to him about the time he spends away from you and is he going to give any of that up?

DPotter · 09/07/2023 03:02

It's interesting to see this discussion, against a background of other posts where the DH is castigated for having an all consuming hobby, cycling, golf, cricket etc. There the poster is told to put her foot down and demand the DH spends more time with the family. But not here, with the horse.

So with riding, caring for the horse and yard work how much time are you spending with horse related activities ? How much time is your DH spending with his hobbies ? How does that compare ? Does he know of your plans to find a share for the horse ?

Fraaahnces · 09/07/2023 03:03

Can he not see the hypocrisy? What is he proposing to give up in order to see more of YOU? I see him sitting around resenting what he sees as “your neglected housework” without thinking of lifting a finger to help create more quality time with you when you get home.
This horse is your independence, not another bloody lover to be jealous about.

Relaxd · 09/07/2023 03:15

Interesting that golf widows etc probably make the same complaint. Find a compromise, keep the horse but make time for some joint time/hobbies.

ItsConfusingHere · 09/07/2023 03:24

Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:20

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

So your horse will be saving your MH??
Not the people/person you love?
Genuine question...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/07/2023 03:29

Yyfandes · 08/07/2023 23:23

If my husband ever asked me to choose him over my horse, it would be over. My horse is a huge part of my life, I don't want to give them up. Also because even if I did give up my horse, I would never forgive my husband.

Exactly.

Bin!

noadvice · 09/07/2023 03:29

Could your husband contribute financially towards keeping your horse? That way you wouldn’t need to work at the stables and would have more time for him. I get that he wants you to prioritise him but how is he prioritising you when he is busy with his own hobbies etc? Contributing to the cost of keeping your horse seems like an easy way to support you while also getting the support he wants from you.

NeedleFeltedFox · 09/07/2023 03:32

Could he afford to help you pay for the horse? Is he not doing it because it gives more leverage to try and make you give the horse up? What does he expect you to do while he’s off golfing all weekend? He sounds pretty selfish to me…

Gymnopedie · 09/07/2023 03:35

DPotter · 09/07/2023 03:02

It's interesting to see this discussion, against a background of other posts where the DH is castigated for having an all consuming hobby, cycling, golf, cricket etc. There the poster is told to put her foot down and demand the DH spends more time with the family. But not here, with the horse.

So with riding, caring for the horse and yard work how much time are you spending with horse related activities ? How much time is your DH spending with his hobbies ? How does that compare ? Does he know of your plans to find a share for the horse ?

I had a similar response reading the OP, what if this was a woman wanting her DH to spend less time on the golf course? (Funny how we've all gone for golf!) Until I got to the part where OP said he has a lot of expensive hobbies, because that immediately said he probably spends a lot of time as well as money on them, and OP has confirmed that. That puts a different complexion on it. It does sound like he wants her to be much more available when he hasn't got anything else he'd rather be doing.

dcadmamagain · 09/07/2023 03:45

So you pay totally for your horse. Has your husband offered to help pay so you don’t have to work st the stables 2 days a week so you have time to be with him?

MoltenLasagne · 09/07/2023 03:50

Working 2 full weekend days is a lot and must leave you with very little time together. Even if he golfed a full day Saturday, I'm not surprised he's feeling a bit abandoned on a weekend. In honesty, before you started doing this, how often would he be away the whole weekend?

Rather than giving up the horse, can you spend joint money on funding temporarily until your horse recovers enough to get a sharer? That way you can stop working the weekends, seeing your DH more, but also can still go riding at times when he's busy.

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/07/2023 04:00

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2023 23:33

Bizarre that people put animals before humans!

Oh FFS. Jog on.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/07/2023 04:56

'So when Neddy goes on part loan and I spend 70% less time at the yard... you'll be giving up 70% of the hobbies that you do alone, that take you out of the house, right?'

If the answer is yes and he follows through with that, I'll eat my fucking hat (ill go buy one just so I can!)...

He would prefer you sat at home waiting for him when he is free and has nothing else to do. It wouldn't matter what your outside interest was!

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