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Original poster

DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

204 replies

Breehinny · 08/07/2023 23:20

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:14

speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:00

I'm really sorry but six months plus of this would really piss me off.

I can see why he's annoyed.

I do too in some part. But actually on reflection, I do also pick up the slack with the dogs when he goes away with work, or on stag weekends, or golf trips and days/nights out, so even though it’s not a weekly thing, I still do my fair share of picking up the slack few times per month when he’s off doing his things.

OP posts:
Toastfortwo · 09/07/2023 07:15

It would piss me off too btw but I don’t golf - he’s a hypocrite!

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:15

Toastfortwo · 09/07/2023 07:13

Contributes if he is getting joy? What about helping his wife who is getting joy? He plays golf - he’s out for hours presumably!

Do you want kids?

Yes we do want kids

OP posts:
OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:16

Your horse makes you happy and fulfils you in so many ways. If he loves you he would want you to be happy surely. He sounds a bit needy. Say “neigh” & tell him to “trot on”.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 09/07/2023 07:17

This one is easy!🐎

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:18

countrygirl99 · 09/07/2023 07:09

I have my horse on DIY and spend less time on care than you do working. Even in winter it's an early start to muck out and turn out and a quick evening visit to bring in and feed. Can you go DIY to cut costs or does that not work with your work schedule/local availability?

At the moment I have no yard costs as I’m doing the work, the horse is on full livery and I pay by working on the yard a few times per week. Prior to that I was doing DIY twice a day, so I’m actually at the yard less than I used to be in the week. I think it’s the two full days on the weekend that get to him the most, which I understand and I don’t like it either honestly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:18

OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:16

Your horse makes you happy and fulfils you in so many ways. If he loves you he would want you to be happy surely. He sounds a bit needy. Say “neigh” & tell him to “trot on”.

Haha love it!

OP posts:
Toastfortwo · 09/07/2023 07:19

kids - you need to resolve this issue before kids. Why is he like this? What were his marriage expectations? Why do you think he’d only help uf he was getting joy? You’ll be at home while greedy golfer will be on stag dos and golf trips hoarding his money.

He may be the type of chap who thinks they are your kids as they bring you joy. So now you have your kids he can just continue his life as before.

I would ask for marriage counselling and really watch him. Is he selfish in many other ways and this is just the tip of the iceberg?

TeenDivided · 09/07/2023 07:19

The obvious solution is for your DH to give up one of his expensive hobbies. Money saved can be used to pay for stable help, freeing up your time. His time has also been freed by giving up one of his hobbies, so you have time to spend together. Sorted.

(Is it possible your DH only does so many activities because you are out so much?)

speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:20

TeenDivided · 09/07/2023 07:19

The obvious solution is for your DH to give up one of his expensive hobbies. Money saved can be used to pay for stable help, freeing up your time. His time has also been freed by giving up one of his hobbies, so you have time to spend together. Sorted.

(Is it possible your DH only does so many activities because you are out so much?)

Why should he pay for the op's hobby?

TeenDivided · 09/07/2023 07:23

@speluncean Because they are married, a partnership, it makes her happy, he loves her, it solves the issue.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/07/2023 07:24

He's jealous and is testing you to see how much you'll give up for him. If you get a share, he'll go on about how that's not enough and he wants you to sell altogether. And then it'll be not going riding at all. And then it'll be the dogs.

He thinks animals are disposable items. And that your feelings and psychological health are inconsequential. This will be an absolute disaster in the long run.

Don't do it.

OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:24

Pick the one with the biggest willy!

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 09/07/2023 07:25

Could he pay towards the horse or take on a higher portion of bills so you could cover full costs and not need to pay in kinf with work around the stables? Then youd have more time to spend with DH. If he has more spending money than you and more expensive hobbies than it's not really a fair distribution of the joint income. He wants expensive hobbies and time away and you there when he doesn't have those things going on. Doesn't really sound like relationship of equals. His needs first.

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:25

Mirabai · 09/07/2023 07:04

Since starting this job at the stables I will be honest in saying I’ve neglected some house work

Why are you responsible for the housework? Does he do any? Who cooks?

Why do you have to give up the thing you love so he can see you more, when he’s the one who’s not around much? Why is he not sacrificing something to spend more time with you?

If I had the choice between a horse and your DH I would definitely choose the horse.

Yes I will say he’s very good with house work and he does most of the cooking because he loves to cook, I can’t fault him there. I’m not totally slacking on housework, I just smash it all in one go now rather than doing little bits everyday like I used to when I had more time.

I will be speaking with him about compromising and finding a balance to spend time together but still keep doing the things we love.

OP posts:
speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:27

TeenDivided · 09/07/2023 07:23

@speluncean Because they are married, a partnership, it makes her happy, he loves her, it solves the issue.

But they don't have equal money? They keep separate finances?

I'm the bigger earner in my relationship (and I don't live with my OH so I do know it's different) and there's no way I'd be funding his lifestyle choices - even if we were married I'd want to keep separate finances - joint account for bills split in proportion to our earnings, and the rest of our salaries would be our own to do with as we chose.

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:28

OddSockSeeker · 09/07/2023 07:24

Pick the one with the biggest willy!

Hahah! No brainer then. 😉

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/07/2023 07:29

Toastfortwo · 09/07/2023 07:19

kids - you need to resolve this issue before kids. Why is he like this? What were his marriage expectations? Why do you think he’d only help uf he was getting joy? You’ll be at home while greedy golfer will be on stag dos and golf trips hoarding his money.

He may be the type of chap who thinks they are your kids as they bring you joy. So now you have your kids he can just continue his life as before.

I would ask for marriage counselling and really watch him. Is he selfish in many other ways and this is just the tip of the iceberg?

Wise post.

I wouldn't be rushing into children with him.

Selfish men, in my experience get a lot worse after children, particularly those attached to golf, stags, boys nights.

I'm sure their are the urban myth type exceptions, but the real social boyo's are very slow to change unless presented with ultimatums that they believe to be real.

Eloweeese · 09/07/2023 07:29

He married a horse woman. It's who you are. It's not a hobby it's a life for us.

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:30

speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:27

But they don't have equal money? They keep separate finances?

I'm the bigger earner in my relationship (and I don't live with my OH so I do know it's different) and there's no way I'd be funding his lifestyle choices - even if we were married I'd want to keep separate finances - joint account for bills split in proportion to our earnings, and the rest of our salaries would be our own to do with as we chose.

Show quote history

That’s what we do, I don’t expect him to pay anything, he doesn’t expect me to pay for his hobbies. I’m sure there is a balance we can find and come to an agreement, just waiting for him to wake up so we can have a chat. I may call in sick to the yard today so we can talk properly and spend time together today and see what the plan is going forward.

OP posts:
KateJohns · 09/07/2023 07:30

I haven't read other responses, only the OP so it may hav been said already.

Never ever ever give up something you love for someone who says they love you. If they loved you, they'd never expect you to give up something you love.

Its not the same, I know, but I gave up my dog for someone else about 10 years ago now. I still cry about it, it still breaks my heart thinking about it, I wish beyond anything in life that I could go back and keep the dog and kick the arsehole out.
Of all the regrets in my life, giving up the dog is the biggest.

But to be practical.
He has hobbies. Would he give one up to spend time with you? If you gave up the horse, would you end up sat alone whilst he pissed off cycling or fishing or golfing for hours and hours a week?

Is he somehow unable to come and help with the horse now and then?

And now the BIG question...
Is he mad you're not spending time with him, or is he annoyed you're not home doing the cooking, cleaning, washing, sorting kids, making his lunches etc.. some men want a mum for a wife and seeth if their wives have independence.

(Keep the horse either way. Partners are 10 a penny.. pets are once in a life time)

Original poster
Breehinny · 09/07/2023 07:31

Eloweeese · 09/07/2023 07:29

He married a horse woman. It's who you are. It's not a hobby it's a life for us.

Very true :)

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 09/07/2023 07:35

@Soontobe60

You've clearly never loved an animal or experienced the unconditional love they give in return. I feel sorry for you.

My dog will never betray me, something which I can't rely in from a single human being in this world, she never does anything to hurt me, never thinks unkind things, loves unconditionally, keeps me company, gets me out the house, provides endless comfort and support so of course I would put her before a selfish arse who is only thinking about himself and wanted me to give her up.

TheCheeseTray · 09/07/2023 07:36

FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 23:36

he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money

if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc

So basically he wants you to give up something very important to you, your passion, but he doesn't feel the need to give up anything himself? Does he want you to stay at home waiting for him to summon you for company when he feels like it? Sounds like he's jealous that he isn't 100% of your world.

This on repeat

HairyKitty · 09/07/2023 07:36

@Breehinny he’s not objecting to the horse or horse hobby, but the amount of time you are now needing to spend in extra employment to be able to pay for it. I dont think he’s being unreasonable, but neither are you in your need/wish to keep it.

Since he spends “a lot” on hobbies, can you spend the same amount paying for your horses stabling so that you no longer need to work to pay for it?