DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

[Breehinny]

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

TBH I would have one more discussion thereafter every time he mentioned it I would just respond "when you give up golf and trips away with the boys."

I'd choose my husband.

Do you have a horse?

Don't give up your horse, he brings you joy. Horses are so much more than just a hobby. I doubt you would be able to forgive your husband either. When your horse is sound again part share until you are back to being able to afford full livery. Surely your husband can understand this is just a temporary situation.

OP - if you read the title of your post as if written by someone else, what would your instinct be? It’d be ‘keep the horse, ditch the husband’ wouldn’t it?

Horse family here, back in the days of DIY, I assumed you were there morning and night seven days a week with longs rides on the weekend.

I think your husband is being unreasonable here, your horse is family like your shared dogs.

I completely understand how much enrichment comes from having horses, and unless you have horses, understand that it's not a hobby that you can pick up and put down, it's a way of life.

Him asking you to change your whole way of life must be extremely upsetting for you.

I wouldn't consider giving up your horse, but sit down together and work out where you can spend more quality time together.

Otherwise he can consider chipping in on some of the costs, if that's not the dynamic you have fair enough but the ultimatum is very harsh.

I only hope that it's not a genuine request and that he's saying it to get your attention.

He's acting like a pantomime horse!

Even if you do resolve this OP, it feels like your current arrangement is not very conducive to bringing a DC into the mix.

Both of you have time consuming expensive hobbies and dogs to walk, and neither of you seem to want to cut back on these.

I think you both need to have a wider conversation about how you see the future working.

sorry I just continued through your thread and saw your update,

It actually sounds less like an issue of quality time together and you being more generally available when he wants/needs.

That's not ok, that's very different to our relationship suffering because you're always out.

I think you need to dig a bit deeper and have more specifics from him where the problem lies.

As well, PP saying well if you give up the horse, he can give up golf, even if he did, then you just have two unhappy people spending all their time together.

I was also going to suggest a sharer but I see that may be out of the question at the moment.

How much time / money does your husband spend on his hobbies? Is yours equivalent?

Is there an option of moving the horse to a cheaper livery yard? Or closer to save on the travel?

I presume your husband isn't interested in coming to the stables with you? Mine has no interest either 🙈. Once your horse is sound again would he cycle while you ride?

I wouldn't take kindly to being told to choose as I'd likely dig my heels in but I would be open to a conversation about how to try to make all parties happy.

Yes. It's the full name of Bree from the Horse and His Boy. I loved the Narnia novels.

Well that makes three of us who loved the Narnia books. Funny how when you see the OP's user name, memory ìs suddenly awoken. The Horse and his Boy was one of my favourite books when I was young.

But this thread is about OP's husband, not yours.

I used to work in a stables and I'll be really really honest if you're totally devoted to roses it's really difficult to do anything else. It takes up so much time but I honestly think horses are the best thing for your mh. You need to talk to him and tell him that he can't really make you make such a choice x

BobShark
As well, PP saying well if you give up the horse, he can give up golf, even if he did, then you just have two unhappy people spending all their time together.
Very well put

I knew a woman who gave up the cats she'd had for ten years for her new husband... bad decision.
Then he had her giving up her short skirts, then her lipstick, & then she stupidly had DC with him & was stuck.
Happily the cats got a nice new home.

The people with horses that I know live & breathe their horses, they're not just a hobby but a way of life.

One thing you said stood out to me @Breehinny that he finds it inconvenient for him because he'd got used to you being around to give him lifts to his various social activities and hobbies.
Also that he has groups of friends HE sees socially. Do you not see them with him?
Why does he keep that part of his life separate? That would annoy me.

Horse. If you husband truly cared he would never ask. I'd he wants to spend more time he could help you out. At the weekend my partner helps me get the poo picking/mucking out done if he want more time with me. Also second the idea of a sharer once your ned is sound again.

I used to have a horse, who I had before I met OH. He always accepted the horse was there before him so came with me! He wasn't horsey but provided the weather was absolutely in his favour would come with me on foot when hacking on occasion

I don't earn a huge wage however, so when we applied for a mortgage together, the one mutual agreement we came to was that if money got tight, it was likely the horse would need to be the first "thing" (can't think of a better word) to go as I wasnt able to contribute as much to the house costs while I had him as he did take up a large chunk of my money.

In recent years I did lose complete interest in horses but kept plodding on as he was unsellable

The cost of living crisis did cause a decision to be made, however CRUCIALLY it was me who came to the decision on my own without any hinting at it from him. He then was a massive support when my decision was not received kindly by those around me. I would have felt resentment if I hadn't been ready to give up and also if he had forced me to do it however - the crucial aspect in my situation was I came to the decision, alone.

I could perhaps understand your OH frustration with the horse if he's putting in a huge amount more money into house costs (wage split taken into account) and you're struggling with finances and he's having to massively carry the load, in which case I'd be looking into ways of reducing the horse costs e.g a sharer/DIY or part livery/ different bedding etc.

Sorry, I've not read the whole thread - I would never normally comment unless I've read it all but in this case in my opinion there is no question to answer. I could not, and would never expect to have to make the decision to choose my partner over my horse.
It's hard for non-horse owners to understand, but it really is a lifestyle. It's a passion, a commitment and something that non-horsey people understand.

I think you'd regret giving up your horse and even though it's a very time-consuming and expensive hobby if your partner can't/doesn't want to handle it then perhaps he's not your life partner. He doesn't get you.

*don't understand

Haven't read the whole thread. 2 thoughts.

Does he spend more on individual leisure pursuits than you? Maybe he could dial that down and redirect the money to your horse so you don't have to donate time.

Could you do a 1 month diary of how much time you each spend away from the house doing individual hobbies?

Can you give DH the same ultimatum he gave you? If he gives up golf, you'll give up the horse? It's a win for you as I don't think he'll say yes, then use his own arguments against himself

My husband used to moan occasionally about my horse, but understood that he (the horse), made me happy, and gave me something to get up for every morning.

To be fair, he did help out, but that was due to me manipulating his ego somewhat. I would mention that mucking out was great for upper body strength, ditto carrying feed bags and stacking bales of hay. He decided to use my time at the stables as an exercise session, and it gave me more time with my horse while DH was doing the yard jobs.

I know I have been lucky in that DH seldom moaned, but he did once say he didn't want to bring up the subject of "it's me or the horse", because he knew he would lose.

Please don’t give up your horse it will eat away at you, he should not be giving ultimatums that’s not how partnerships work.. being practical though i was struggling a couple of years ago and put an ad on fb asking if anyone fancied a ride or two every week in exchange for cash and someone i actually knew already responded and it works great, she rides once a week with my supervision and what she pays more than covers his shoes

just to include a bit of balance here - ‘cos the Mumsnet echo chamber seems to be in full force…

I read one of your comments - which you didn’t include in the original post…You work weekends FULL TIME and some evenings during the week to help pay for the horse expenses- sure you might get a day off but I am assuming the default position is you are at the stables all weekend.

Do you work during the week as well ?

is this sustainable? How long will this go on for ? what’s the end game? I guess your husband is asking the same questions.

Yes I am a man, but really his concerns don’t seem unreasonable.

If you are at the stables all weekend why shouldn’t he go and play golf ?

Sure - divorce him and keep the horse - mumsnet will be satisfied but is that the best outcome ?

I don’t know what the solution is - if the horse gives you joy then it would be a shame to sell it - and maybe your husband could be more flexible - but I’d say don’t dismiss his concerns out if hand.