DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

[Breehinny]

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

OP, you are clearly in denial.

He wants you at his beck and call for lifts and you not being available has led to threats and feeling subtle punishment.

Controlling and manipulative behaviour which is abusive tactics.

This relationship has always been about his needs being met.

You are foolish to remain in denial because when you have children with a selfish, controlling, manipulative man that subtley punishes you, life gets very stressful, lonely and sad, very quickly.

In your own time look closely and honestly at the dynamics of your relationship.

If you humour him, walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him, are wary at all of his reactions to things you do, you could well need to rethink things.

Keep that horse.

Ah. He has more money, his time is his own. Some men op would think my wife gives me joy and the money towards a horse or whatever else she loves is worth it. Yours is a stingy selfish fucker and you should start telling him if he wants time with you less golf and less trips away, and he spends whatever he wants on his hobbies, and should respect you working your time to be able to afford yours.

Your husband is being very self-centered.

What about your needs and well-being. He really doesn’t get it (or care).

Never give up your horse you will deeply regret it, and you will end up really resenting your DH.

You sound like the under-dog in this relationship.

Fabulous username by the way, @Breehinny
Yes, I'm pretty sure I know where you got the name from - we must have similar reading tastes!
I'm not going to add much to what has already been said, except I agree with keeping your horse (as a sadly ex horse person, what else would I say?) but have a good talk about the situation with him, and reiterate that this situation is only continuing whilst your poor neddy is lame. A sharer sounds a good idea, if you can find someone suitable. I don't think non horsey people realise that horses aren't just a hobby, it's a lifestyle.

Horse 100%.

A wise godmother once advised me that if you have to choose between two things, choose the one that isn't asking you to choose...

Good life advice.

I’d say if you give up your horse he gives up his golf. He might change his mind then.

Your horse is not just a hobby, it’s a loving animal with feelings and emotions, you’ve got a commitment to care for him/her. You presumably wouldn’t give up your dogs, why is it acceptable to give away your horse?

You have already found a solution in doing a horse share, if that’s not enough then I would choose the horse if I were you.

I'd choose the horse over someone who gave me an ultimatum like that.

So if you gave up your horse, is he giving up all of his hobbies, nights outs etc?

Or just you doing the compromising?

Do you really need that explained? If the op is not having to work at the yard to help pay livery costs then she isn’t at the yard all weekend every weekend. That means they get to spend more time together

I wouldn't be paying for someone else's hobby, even if I was married to them.

I’d say if you give up your horse he gives up his golf. He might change his mind then.

and

So if you gave up your horse, is he giving up all of his hobbies, nights outs etc?

I never think these sorts of negotiating tactics work. It's opening the door a little for OP to give up the horse. Strategically it is a disaster in the making.

@Breehinny Do not offer this type of compromise. It needs to be "win, win" not a race to the bottom.

(Or maybe "whinney, whinney.")

This. He know what he can do if he wants to spend more time with you. But he would rather see you give up the horse than stump up a bit of cash to enable you to stop the yard work for this short period. It's the obvious answer to his predicament ..... so why is he not suggesting it?

I wouldn't say 6 months or so is a short amount of time, and we have no idea of the amount of money involved.

Interesting stance.

I'd argue that in giving up her horse, OP is paying the price for her husband's hobbies. She'd be the one at home alone whilst his life doesn't change an iota. It'd be worse if kids became involved.

OP in a few years would be back on MN wondering why she's now home alone with kids and no social life whilst her OH is out golfing, drinking and doing good knows with his mates.
Ultimately, if she hands in the horse and does as OH demands, she could be paying for many many years.

Some of us view marriage as a partnership

Two days of yard work is not a huge amount of money and OP has already said that she's hoping her horse will be recovered in 2-3 months and that her husband earns a lot more than her. If he loved her he would want to see her happy and he would want to spend more time with her. Both these gifts are in his hands. These are actions loving couples would take.

@speluncean clearly the ops husband doesn't.

Oops the above was for @NeedleFeltedFox

@NeedleFeltedFox but they don't share money. It would be different if they shared money and all money was joint. But they don't do that

Yeah I'd be saying something like. Are you prepared to give up all your hobbies and socialising AND exercise the same as me if I got rid of my horse? Because that's what you're asking me to do.
If your answer is no then we need to have a compromise and come up with firm days and tines that are just for each other. Otherwise if you want me to choose you or my horse, you might not like the answer.

So he wants you home doing the dishes and mucking out your house for him like a good little houswife??

I'd be telling him to 0121 do1

Working a full time day job and being out 3 evenings a week and both weekend days is a lot by anyone’s standards.

The DH is also out a lot though - including overnight trips and full days golfing. No point in the OP giving up her horse if the DH is going to be away but equally no point in the DH cutting down on golf if the OP is working at the yard. Would he cut down if you did? Is it an equivalent time?

The DH could sub the horse - and the OP wouldn’t have to work so much but tbf I can see why someone wouldn’t want to pay for someone else’s horse in the same way someone wouldn’t want to pay for someone’s apres golf dinner or weekend away or golf balls. They have agreed that they will finance their own hobbies and that isn’t unreasonable.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was spending 3 evenings and both weekend days doing a hobby. I wouldn’t want to give up my horse to spend more time with a man or to spend more weekends alone while man goes on jollies with chums. You both sort of sound like you’d rather do your own thing tbh. You cannot sustain this if you have dc. Do not have dc in these circumstances.

If you want to keep the horse (perfectly valid choice imo) then you need to be clear what you are going to do. “I will be working both weekend days and 3 evenings a week for the next 6 months to clear this vet bill - then I will be spending 2 evenings a week and 4 hours each weekend day enjoying my hobby”. He can also decide what he wants - 2 evenings a week for hobbies, plus 2 full weekends a month for example. There is a compromise to be had if either of you are prepared to make it - one weekend a month and 2 evenings and every Saturday morning exclusively together. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for either of you to accept that you don’t really have the time or inclination for a relationship though - because you sound like you don’t and nobody has to stay in a relationship with a person who doesn’t have time for one. If you want to be with your horse in most of your waking, non working time then fine, do it, but don’t be in a relationship too. Same goes for him. You can’t be married and spend all your free time with your mates or playing golf or going on mini breaks without your wife. God knows how you will fit a baby into this - you barely have time to walk your dogs.

Yes. It's the full name of Bree from the Horse and His Boy. I loved the Narnia novels.

Humans are animals, just shit ones. Horses are much nicer than men who like to dictate how women spend their time

Don’t give up your horse, he’s not going to leave you over it. I’d tell him you’re not giving up your passion when he has so many of his own that he’s not contemplating quitting and if he doesn’t like it, he’s free to leave.