DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

[Breehinny]

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

I think he’s saying you’re not spending enough time together. His solution is to get rid of the horse. I can understand why this extreme solution is a no go for you, so you need a different solution so that you are spending more time together.

I noticed you said he’d be away/out with friends as that is what he does when you are with your horse- have you considered perhaps that he is away because you are not there? And he is lonely? And doesn’t want to sit at home alone?

Any idea of how you can spend less time doing horse stuff?

If he is unhappy that you are spending 2 full days every weekend with the horse, and that you aren't doing your share of the housework as frequently as you did previously, it doesn't sound at all like he is being unreasonable. I'd imagine most people in real life and outside this thread would have an issue with this.
But if you'd rather spend most of your free time with the horse than your DH then fair enough, let him know this so he can make decisions about his choices.

Long Answer

Former horse owner who had to do chores at yard etc during a bad patch. Long term I found a sharer which helped greatly. The benefit of your horse is huge. Its not about who you value more. The horse brings so much enhancement to your life. Dont give him up you will resent your partner for the loss it brings and its possible those feelings could end the relationship...then you've lost both of them! You'll end up regretting giving up the horse more than the relationship ending!

Short Answer

When are you packing his bags? No loving person asks another to cut a living being out their life for such selfish reasons

He could also give up some of his expensive hobbies to help OP out with stable costs so she doesn’t have to work as many hours to offset costs. They’re a couple, husband and wife. If the problem is time together, is he willing to find other solutions that don’t involve OP getting rid of her horse? If he sticks with ‘get rid of thr horse’, OP has her answer: it isn’t about time together, it’s about making her get rid her horse. Which would make him a spiteful bastard.

Oh definitely not, it’s probably the other way around actually haha! The first year that we met and I didn’t have my horse I would often spend evenings/days/weekends alone, he has a very busy social calendar. His work takes him away occasionally, but he has a huge friend group and sees them often. He didn’t golf when we met but he did play football, so would spend evenings training and days playing matches, I would go watch sometimes. And this carried on for a while when I had my horse but my horse was on full livery at the time so I only had to worry about going up to groom and ride a few times a week, and he would still spend the same time away and I didn’t mind. I do have friends but as we all know, adult friendships are hard, my best friend is a doctor so barely has any free time.

Tbh, I’ve probably put myself in this position because I’ve just always been there, and now I’m not. Previously, I would be able to say yes when he asked me to drop him off to the pub or pick him up late, take him to the train station when he’s working away (he does drive but just saving on parking etc.), and he would do the same for me too. But he has gotten into this habit now of not asking me to do these things and just expecting them, and now that I can’t do it as often it’s inconvenient for him. I promise he’s not as awful as I’m making him out to be, he is very supportive in other ways, would take me places if I needed it, and does his fair share of house work/dog care. He’s amazing and we have a good relationship otherwise but the horse thing is burning away at him quietly.
But he acts like I’m not making sacrifices too, and that gets to me the most.

Horse over husband 🐴. If you give up your horse, you'll resent 'DH' forever more. Make a stand against the patriarchy!

I have laid here this morning and read the whole thread. You come across as very level headed, fair and considerate at @Breehinny. I think all you need to do is set out the top five salient points with him and that’s all you need to do.

Horses are important to you. You wouldn’t be you if horses weren’t in it. He married you for who you are. Your position is only temporary, you are doing your best to compromise on costs and time. His life is the corollary of this also.

You can both have a great life by being supportive of each other. It’s not about quantity of time, it’s about getting the most out of the time you have together. Your lives are enriched by having individual hobbies, experiences and friends. When you come together you have more to share.

There are plenty of wise posters on here and there is overwhelming support for you. Think about that. It’s important and I hope it’s given you the support and strength you need.

Tell him if he wants to spend more time together he needs to contribute financially to the care of your horse so you don't have to spend so much time at the stables. If he objects point out that he has expensive time consuming hobbies too but that you haven't asked him to give those up so he is being unreasonable.

If the op chooses the horse and her and her DH split up, will she still be able to afford the horse then?

Sounds like I need to get my wife a horse! There are some series she won't watch, so that would free up some time :)

As for OP, if I replace 'horse' with my super expensive 'cat' (little princess refuses to eat anything but the best)... I'd chose the cat any day of the week.

If someone told me that I had to spend my money supporting their expensive hobby, I'd be telling them neigh way.

The two of you as a unit need to solve this. Just because up to now you have kept separate finances doesn't mean you have to stick to it rigidly. It was working before, so if you can a find a way to get back to how you were doing it, it can work again.

Usually when a woman complains about golf it's because they have children and the DH goes off playing all day without a thought about whose minding the kids because he justs expects Mum to get on with it. The Op's out because she needs money for her horse, it's only until she can make other arrangements and her DH doesn't seem to have a problem not seeing her when he's out playing/ going out with his mates.
I'd keep your horse and hold off on having a family for a few years Op, your DH seems a bit selfish, he)'s not trying to help you keep your hobby, he's not willing to make any changes to see you more. He'll have to change his life a lot more if you have DC or you're going to end up doing everything

Is your DH also willing to give up his expensive hobby, stag dos etc?

Your horse is only the excuse. If you had no horse, you would be neglecting him for your work, or your domestic activity, or your stamp-collection, whatever.

He sought an excuse to undermine and berate you, and found it. If you gave up everything in your life to serve him, he would decide you were boring and give you a hard time about that.

I'm sensing the beginning of The Script here.

You don't mention children. Don't get pregnant by this man.

Thank you all for your advice, I will stop replying to individual posts now as there are quite a lot to keep up with. I will speak to him and see if we can find a compromise and put an update when we do speak.

Ideally, I don’t want either of us to have to give anything up, my situation is temporary and always has been, I will be at a point where I can pay again for full livery (full care to those non-horsey), and be able to spend as much time with my husband as we both want. But I definitely think we need to compromise, and even without the horse, I will still be having a chat with him about giving up some of his golfing and days/nights/weekends away to spend more time with us.

l the amazing things you've said he does..
No no. they're the BARE minimum you should expect from a partner.

He cares for HIS dogs and cleans HIS house and cooks food he eats and would give you a lift if you needed it...

So he bloody well should.

But this in one of your posts stands out:

Yet, every few weeks it comes back to the same conversation, and I keep backing down
He keeps coming back to it because it's likely he can't comprehend why you haven't jumped to his demands.

reminding him the current situation is not long term, but I don’t think I’m being firm enough about it.
There will be no amount of firmness that will be enough. He's a toddler obsessed with what he wants, you can't reason with a toddler that wants the lollipop.

Sometimes it feels like he’s using this as an excuse to hold over me for whatever reason.
This is very telling. You have displeased this wonderful golden cocked man that thinks you owe him because he cares for his dogs and cleans his own house and cooks food he would need to cook anyway if he were single.

I don't know him, thankfully, but it sounds like he's at the 'brow beating' stage of his manipulations. Continually making you feel bad about something that displeases him, making you question yourself until you fall in line with his wishes. Etc.

If you were honest, have you had to give up anything else I wonder? A friend? A job? Moved away from family?
It would have made sense at the time because he suggested that it'd make things easier or better in some fashion etc.

No need to answer, just musing really.

You need to have cast iron contraception until this is sorted out properly. Or in a few years time you'll be back on here saying he's not sharing childcare costs and moaning about doing the dishes when you go back to work. And no, they don't usually change. This is who he is. You need to decide if you accept it. It's not about the horse, or the golf, or the money. It's about him expecting you to be available to him as his entertainment when he's got nothing he's d rather be doing. Not a situation I'd find tenable, or one that a child should be brought into.

No horses for me, but I do have a lot of dogs. Most I adopted are elderly or have additional needs so they take a lot of time and cost a lot of money. Whilst I love my DH dearly, and he knows that, he also knows if he made me chose between him and the dogs, he would lose. They are innocent animals that I took on, with the promise of the best life I could give them, so “getting rid” of them would just never be an option. Like you op, I earn enough by myself to take care of them so if he was ever silly enough to lay down such an ultimatum, it would be bye bye!!
Your situation though is slightly different in that your DH is out all the time doing his own thing anyway, but it seems like he wants to know you are waiting at home, twiddling your thumbs and available for drops off / pick ups whenever he fancies!!
TBH that level of selfishness would give me the massive ick and I would be reevaluating the relationship anyway. Your situation is temporary so he needs to learn a bit of empathy and patience. You have already said you are willing to get someone to share your horse, so you are prepared to compromise. He needs to do the same.

He's a CF isn't he? You're supposed to give up the one thing that's your hobby, pride and passion but he wants to carry on with his various expensive pastimes. Not on! You can't submit to blackmail.

He knows this is important for you and he complaints yet hasn't offered to help out financially so you don't have to work in the stables at weekends? He knows this is temporary and you are a family. Would you consider a joint budget for your hobbies? If your horse is important for your mental and physical health then it is also in the interest of you as a unit to keep it and find ways together for you to not have to do the yard work.

You say you're not in a controlling relationship but you are however subtle. It's always been about him hadn't it, watching him play football to begin with. I don't like the sound of him very much. He's Selfish.

Men come and go but horses are for life.

I couldnt be with a man who asked me to give up my horse!

Also why does he not help you out financially given it's only going to be for a short amount of time?

I don't think this is about spending time with you at all. It's about control.

I gave up having my own horse last year and I really miss it. She was a youngster I had brought on, but she didn't make height and was too small for me as a long-term horse. She has gone to a great home where she is thriving and much loved. I had planned to get another (taller) horse, but I had an injury so took a break over the winter, and now have decided not to buy another for the time being. I miss having a horse that's mine, but am having a weekly lesson, and spending time with a friend's horse occasionally.

In my case, DH would never have told me to sell, but made it clear he was unhappy with the amount of time spent away from him and DS. The stress of always feeling in a rush took a toll on me. I felt I wasn't doing anything well, my work suffered as well as family life, I had no energy or time for seeing friends, and I felt as though I wasn't doing enough for my horse to bring her on properly. I was on DIY livery (no full livery yards within decent driving distance) with help from a freelance groom. When my groom quit with a week's notice for another job, the wheels fell off very quickly.

Now I'm much calmer, work is going really well, DH and I are getting on better, DS is happier (he's early teens and seems to be suddenly growing up very fast, so I want to be around whilst he still wants to spend time with me). When I got the horse, DS was riding as well and loved coming to the yard with me, but he lost interest when he hit puberty.

In your shoes, I would look very carefully at your relationship before you have a child. All the people I know who have had a baby whilst owning a horse have struggled, and that's with help from supportive family and friends. It's hard to understand beforehand just how much children take over your life. If your H is not supportive, it's unlikely you will be able to keep the horse once you have a baby. It sounds like he is the sort of man who would expect to carry on regardless with his social life, and you will be left juggling baby and dogs, with no time (or money) at all for the horse. Also, separate money doesn't work well once you have kids, as your career will likely take a hit at least for a few years.

For now, could you schedule in a time in the week when you will definitely spend time together, and plan something nice for each week? Once your horse is sound, a part-loaner sounds like a great solution, and would likely give you back a weekend day and well as a night or two midweek, whilst keeping your livery costs down.