DH asking me to choose between him or my horse

[Breehinny]

As the title says.

Just to clarify, I am not in an abusive relationship and he is not trying to control my life, however he says that lately he feels that he is not a priority for him and all I do is spend time with my horse. I understand where he’s coming from, I did not have a horse when we met, but I had the horse approx a year into our relationship so for the majority of our relationship I have had my horse. The difference recently is that I am now struggling to pay for the horse and instead I’m giving up my time to help out at the stables he is kept at in order to keep him. I have considered selling him but in all honesty I don’t want to, it is more of a decision I might need to make out of necessity due to not being able to afford the amount I was previously paying by myself, and due to my DH telling me he’s at the end of his tether.

My horse is my hobby and passion, it’s also my social life and a good form of exercise, a good reason for me to get out of bed every morning, I am scared that without my horse I will fall into a deep state of depression. I feel that my DH is being unfair, because he has hobbies and passions that cost a lot of money, and I would not dream of asking him to give those up (not unless the money spent put us into debt, which my horse isn’t as he is my sole responsibility). He says to me that I barely spend time with him because of the horse, but actually if I didn’t have the horse then he would be leaving me alone for work trips, stags, nights out, his own hobbies etc. and we would only spend time together a few times per week regardless.

I don’t know what to do and how to move forward with this.

I’d never give up my horses for a man. In fact, I’ve ditched two boyfriends over it. The one that gave me an ultimatum over it was quite shocked when I told him to jog on. I had six horses at the time and was making quite a bit of money through it so I’m not sure how he thought that was going to play out. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Could he help out at the stables too, so you could spend some time together there and also perhaps so you might be able to cut down your time at the stables and spend it doing non-horsey things?

If the answer to him helping is no because he hates horses, well, are you really compatible if you're such an animal lover?

Yes, in fact I could probably afford him more if I did lol! My horse comes out of my own personal money and is nothing to do with my husband. I would love him to be more involved but at this moment he’s not interested.

In that case you are in a strong position! Your horse makes your life complete so just tell your husband that if he wants to see more of you, he needs to make the time either by coming with you, or giving up some of his hobbies so that he's at home when you are

Your DH sounds like he has more hobbies than you, why doesn't he cut those back to free up time? why your horse? likely because he s a jealous selfish twat.

Is your husband right? Is he second place and do you miss out on time with him to be with the horse?

If so, and you aren't prepared to change that, then you need to be straight with him. Tell him you aren't going to change and he can then make a decision about whether he stays or not.

If you are both carrying out your hobbies at similar times and therefore not missing out on time together or he could move some of his activities but refuses to, be straight about that too. Say you aren't prepared to make changes without some give and take from him.

If nothing changes, the relationship will either die quickly or very slowly.

I don't have horses but there's no way I would be giving up something that meant as much to me as your horse clearly does to you OP, I think your H is awful for asking you to. Are you going to call his bluff do you think?

Choose your horse

Absolutely choose your horse, it's very clear how much it means to you, I'm not sure how your relationship can continue if you're always remembering he's asked you to give up your horse. Also, it seems very controlling if you're paying for it

There's always one comment like this

ODFOD

Horse all the way.

Animals over humans all day long 👌

This was my immediate thought on reading just the title of this thread. Definitely choose the horse!

I warned my now DH when we first got together that I will never give up my horses and if he ever tries to make me choose between the two, I would always pick the them over him!
He does grumble about them and the cost (although I pay for all of it), mostly when they escape on the lawn or break a fence he has to repair but he understands how much they mean to me and so wouldn't make me choose.
If I were you, I would pick the horse over the DH!

If you think he's coming from a good place, you could try scheduling time together daily/weekly/whatever, so you both regularly prioritise each other.

If you think he's being an arse, tell him to quit his own hobbies and fit himself to your schedule.

I don’t have a horse anymore but they were a huge part of my life when I was younger so I get the whole horsey way of life. Don’t give up your horse, surely you’d end up resenting your husband if you did that? Maybe look at both your schedules and see how you could spend more time together?

100% the horse. 🐴

I've never owned a horse but can see that the relationship with the animal is overwhelming. And that's not just because I wanted to be a horse for so much of my childhood.

Fabulous username by the way, @Breehinny

What if this was a woman asking her husband to give up golf?

They provide such therapy, and I’m with you there for wanting to be a horse as a kid lol!

Thank you, do you know where it’s from? :)

I agree with Soontobe60. It is bizarre and perhaps cultural. Just weird.

I would stick with the horse

Funnily enough, he plays golf. He spends hours at a time playing, sometimes gone all day on the weekends and then going for a few pints after with his friends. I absolutely do not mind this, because I have the horse lol. And even when I am home and he’s off playing golf I would never dream of telling him to choose between me and golf, and there’s not even a creature for him to have bonded with involved. In all honesty, he comes across sometimes that when he’s home alone and bored, that’s when he has a problem with me spending time away. I won’t lie and say I don’t have a moan here and there about how much golf he plays, mainly when I’m home alone and bored, but I know it’s his passion and makes him happy and would never make him choose. I feel like we should try to align our schedules more but we also have dogs together and want to ensure at least one of us is with them as much as possible.

I will certainly be having a chat with him about it. I need to stand up for myself more and I think I’m just at that point now where I’m willing to take on his threat.
He is great in most ways but one of his flaws seems to be not being able to put himself in my shoes, so I will be trying to emphasise this to him and ask how he would feel if I asked something similar of him.