Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

You aren’t the loser! Your ex doesn’t sound like much of a catch. He sounds useless, dishonest and a bit pathetic. She hasn’t exactly ‘won’ by ending up with him, has she?

I can understand your anger op. I felt the same when exh found a new partner 4 months after I walked out of our abusive relationship. I was I bits , in therapy etc and he was with a new partner that helped on his access days.

Can I suggest that you do something for you on your free days , something indulgent that you didn't have time for before. It'll help you move forward.

If only I could see it that way...

I guess she feels he's a catch otherwise she wouldn't choose to be with him and take on so much responsibility after being with him for a few months (I still don't know how long they've actually been seeing eachother)

I keep thinking to myself... if I had a new partner, I would never accept him cooking g and cleaning... but that's me, I guess

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. It makes sense that this would seem unfair and make you feel angry because it is unfair, life is unfortunately unfair.

Just try and look at it this way. Just because it is this way now it doesn't mean their relationship or your life will stay like this. It might be they go on to have an awful relationship or split up. It might be that you end up the happier one in the long run.

It's so hard to not have your mind wrapped up in what is going on with them but please try and find the next big thing to throw yourself into and focus your life on something positive.

Little by little it will get easier just go easy on yourself and remind yourself that you are being a great mum and eventually you will get the peace you deserve.

Off to buy myself news bras... lost loads of weight after discovering affair....

He may have fallen on his feet with her, but she’s landed herself a dud.
You, however are FREEEEEEEEE!!!!

But she's an idiot op! Why is she doing all of that? What a mug. Leave them to it and crack on with your life, it honestly will get better from here.

I don’t mean to minimize your feelings, but I misread your title as in that HE is now doing chores and your mad because he wouldn’t do those when he was with you.

Honestly, I pity the woman. She’s playing nanny, cook and a cleaner to a grown ass man.
Not very romantic.
Sounds like your ex is one of the many men who only see women as appliance.
You’re free from that/him, she’s stuck with the shit work, foolish woman she is - doing the ’wife work’ and being the ow.

“He may have fallen on his feet with her, but she’s landed herself a dud.
You, however are FREEEEEEEEE!!!!”

This.

Surely she will get fed up of that?

Shame you didn’t say anything to her about it.

Hm. Thd visits are supposed to be so that your DDs can maintain their relationship with their father.

Yet it sounds as though they spend more time with the OW.

How much does he actually interact wth his children?

I was thinking about it, telling her not to get into that role that early on..
It's a slippery slope and he's a grown man and has loads of child free evenings to do thr cleaning...

But this is her part of this journey, not mine

I understand why you want to meet ow and have a civil relationship with her (as much as you can) for the sake of your dcs.

I guess you’re feeling usurped by her, and maybe jealous that she is fulfilling your role. Also, ex has already move on, ‘in domestic bliss’ whereas you’re left picking up the pieces.

However, it sounds like she’s become a cocklodger expecting her to do all the chores. I’ m sure she’ll be bored if this domesticity soon. She’s probably doing to impress him at the moment, or because of fanciful tales he told, but that will pass as she wakes up.

Sooty, he’s become…

More fool her, the novelty will wear off.

The thing is, you have hopefully broken the cycle by kicking his sorry ass out and showing your girls not to tolerate such behaviour from males. It’s hard enough for step parents to gain the respect of step children. If they sense she is a dogsbody (and they will, kids are smart) they will not respect her. Really, they are doing you a favor by illustrating how not to run a domestic partnership. Plus, she may get bored and leave him if she’s young.

either way, you are well shot of this sorry disloyal man child. Use it to get angry about male privilege and female handmaidens, and then raise your girls to be strong independent women.

Oh my goodness, I can totally understand why you would feel all of those things. Wanting to meet her seems incredibly normal to me and also feeling like he's landed on his feet. He hasn't. He's a spineless, lying rat bag. She'll likely see it soon enough and your DDs most certainly will. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. It doesn't feel like it now but you'll get the happiness you deserve in time and your girls will be so proud of you

its not fair and your anger is so justifiable. I don’t understand women who have affairs with men who have kids already. I am sorry your kids have to be around her at all.

even if she’s successful as step mum, she won’t have an easy time and these are never going to be HER kids. They might like her, but if she disappeared over the horizon they would probably not bat an eyelid. That realisation will hit her one day, I expect.

I also think it’s very telling that she told you about how much she was doing for him. She’s either thick and blind or trying to convince herself as much as you.

And having won the prize of the unfaithful man , she now gets to wake up every day and work out how to keep him. It's probably doomed op.

You have held your head high and acted like the adult here. Meeting OW is excellent for your DD's, your motives are great and I think you are doing marvelously. I hope, if I found myself in your shoes, I would be able to act with such grace and poise.

Your STBXH on the other hand, had an affair, now has someone on tap to do his domestic duties and help out with childcare (and I don't believe the children should be thrown into new relationships this quickly, he hasn't given them much time to adjust, has he?). What a Prince.

And I am sure that OW, as lovely as she may be, she will get sick (which sucks for your DD's).
The novelty of picking up after him will soon wear off and real life will kick in.

You don't have to put up with his bull shit any more! And, when you are ready, you will meet someone who has your best interests at heart, not a replacement nanny/cleaner.

I can appreciate that it must hurt like hell... but you are doing everything right. Keep holding your head up high.

i can completely understand this feeling, plus i can understand her's too.
maybe she wanted children and likes the parenting role she has assigned herself, maybe she is a nice person who sees 2 little girls who are no doubt a bit confused by all that is going on and wants to make it easier on them, or maybe she is desperately trying to hanging to the man she thinks she has 'won'.

no doubt she will have a baby or two just as yours get a bit older, maybe a bit less compliant ( as kids do !) and then we shall see a thread about ' AIBU i want dp and baby and me to be a family and his DDs come over and treat me like a domestic skivvy'

Yes that's what I feel

It feels.like he's broken our family unit and now wants to recreate "family" with her and DDs...

Because they are two adults they can do things I can't do on my own,.like take DDs swimming.

I can't do that on my own with two non swimmers...

I hate him

+1 for more fool her.

In three years she'll be on here going,
"new DH never helps with housework or baby and I am left to look after the DSC when they stay here"...

while you're on here going,
"Which bit of Thailand should I do a motorcycle tour with lovely new BF when the DC go to see their F?"