Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

Like another PP, I can relate somewhat to those feelings. My children were older and stayed entirely with me because SBXH was an abusive asshole. My daughter was sure that, if I left, I’d find someone else and he wouldn’t, but I suspected that actually he would find someone quickly, whereas it would take me years, or perhaps would never happen. And of course I was right and he did, pretty quickly. All those years of his abusive shit and I’m left broken and he’s just found a replacement for me without much trouble at all. It’s just so bloody unfair.

But really, once I’ve rebuilt, which I’m still doing, life will be better without him.

And I also find myself wondering whether, in a few years time, you and OW will be sitting somewhere comparing notes when he’s done the same to her because he got bored. Maybe not, but I definitely felt a frisson of schadenfreude when I found my ex had cheated on the friend who went out with him after he cast me off.

You've ditched a loser.

Well done!

I can understand you wanting to meet her, I would most definitely want to check out the woman who had regular contact with my kids.
She’s not fallen on her feet has she? I think she knows this. Instead of being wrapped up in the romantic dream she envisioned, gazing at the stars entwined in each others arms she’s washing his shitty undies and sweaty socks, and two little dependant children twice a week her Greek God has feet of clay shits become real hence her off loading on to you.

Sorry I didn’t mean your kids are shitty, I meant caring for two little ones. Wish we had an edit button.

Ha, what a chump she is! She gets to wash his dirty underpants and look after someone else's children for free. You get your girls most of the time but still have two nights a week childfree to do whatever you want. And, I hope, he's paying a chunk of his salary into your new household.

You're the winner in every way!

@LolaSmiles The new woman knows he is a cheat, knows the way he will lie to keep a bit on the side, knows how he talks about his wife/partner when she isn't around, and so will be jumping through all the hoops to prove she isn't like his ex wife.

If she has to confront reality she's forced to accept that either she's being played for a fool, or she's secretly terrified that if she doesn't keep doing what he wants he'll go and find a new affair partner.

That nails it.

They haven't 'won' anything OP. Remember they have each got a lying cheat for a partner.

This. I admire you so much, you've conducted yourself with dignity. You will never regret doing that. Anything that you do to point score or prove a point only adds to your hurt and you are not doing any of that stuff. You'll come out of this the best for sure. It's just it'll probably take a while to see it that way. I am furious with my ex as he's ditched our kids for his on off girlfriend and the anger is poisoning me and making me snappy. I so wish I could be like you and process my feelings and do the decent thing. Not that I've done anything vengeful but I have vengeful thoughts and it's exactly like that book that says beauty shines out of you. You'll just get to a point where everything will hurt less and it'll all seem like such smooth sailing. And keeping your dignity and doing the morally right thing by your daughters is so amazing. Someone else mentioned the example you've set them in not staying with a cheat and you won't see the results of that for a long time but you've given them a precious gift. I pity OW as she will never feel safe or secure and probably feels like a horrible person. Also having to skivvy after him can't be sexy or fun. Well done, hope you get rid of the rage once you've processed it.

He's using her for childcare and housekeeping. And she doesn't seem able to see it. He is no catch, no matter how cosy she's making it all sound.

Don't get me wrong, I am not particularly dignified when he is concerned, I am.still raging and he often gets the brunt of it (not in front of DCs obviously).

But as far as I'm.concerned, my anger is nothing compared to the pain he caused me...

But I'm trying to do what's right by my children... even if it's bloody painful.

But I'm trying to do what's right by my children... even if it's bloody painful
I truly admire you for this, and for keeping your dignity. Your children will know that you are the solid 'do the right thing' person on whom they can rely.

chumplady.com is a brilliant resource for the aftermath of infidelity, and rebuilding your life. Heartily suggest you check it out for support. Take care, xxx

Sometimes there is karma and sometimes not . I know of a woman who was the one to have an affair . Her OH was broken . She stayed with her lover and children for about 5 years and then he decided he could not hack the family dynamic and he had an affair . Since then she has been from one bad relationship to another and her ex husband is now happily married . But really deep down you wouldn’t want this for your children either ? Like you say it’s a mess.

I also admire you very much for speaking to her . Now you have to try and pick yourself up and see if there is any practical solution to some of the day to day problems you have . Is there a voluntary association near you ? Or friends that might come swimming with you to help out ? What else do you need that might ease your situation a bit ? Is your ex paying you enough ?

you are putting your children first so be assured you won’t be the loser in this .

OP I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said but I just wanted to say you seem like a genuinely fantastic mum x

I'm taking DDs to a festival tomorrow with some friends.

I am building a network of friends who love DDs and me and whom I can depend on.

You really know who you're true friends are when shit hits the fan and I am.fortunate to have some really good friends around me who have supported me through this 😀

He's using her as a nanny and a maid. She thinks she's playing happy families and doing all the "wife work" when in actual fact she's being used as a replacement for you because he can't step up and do these things himself.

She is literally trying to portray herself as "the wife" because if she doesn't he will go off and find someone else to fill that role. She has trapped herself (for now), the novelty will wear off and she will start to feel like an unpaid skivvy for someone else's kids.

The only person here who's fallen on their feet is you. Rid of the cheating bastard for a start! You are free and she is trapped.

Op...she's enjoying it now. She's playing house. She's showing him how great she is and trying to impress him.

She will get so fucking fed up of it and it will go tits up.

I always wonder if I would want to be a stepmom..
And I don't think I would want to be one..
Doing all the stuff that comes with children is hard, but you do it because you love them.unconditionally and they are your flesh and blood

Not sure I'd out up with it for children that weren't mine

"I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins."

I disagree!! I think they deserve each other and one of them will leave the other - which will be punishment enough.

You can be on the losing end for a time, but the game is won by the person who ends up the winner at the very end.... even if she might have some "match points".

I give their relationship three years at most. As I said, it really sounds like they deserve each other. You are so much better.... and you secretly know it!!

OP I'm in awe of you.
You're an amazing woman and an even more amazing Mother to your girls.

Your pain and anger will subside at some point.

Please just promise yourself you WON'T be too 'nice and understanding ' when the OW contacts you to tell you how her life is awful etc.

Once the honeymoon period is over and reality sets in... things change.

You buy new bras and whatever you need to embrace the ' new you ' .👏

I think you are dealing with this really well

they deserve eachother and can pretend to play happy families all day long (until his eye starts wandering again, and he’ll sleep with another colleague whilst new wife is pregnant, or some such thing. You’ll never KNOW if course, but this is clearly on the cards at some point)

you did well to leave, and to see the OW for DDs sake, that is a very impressive and mature approach IMO

Quite right it’s hard I am sure and bet she will want her own children , how will your ex react to that ? Is he sad about what’s happened at all do you think ?

Glad you have good friends around you , that counts for so much .

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍🏿

He's given me the "I fucked up and I'm sorry", but to me, that's bullshit.

He knew he'd break my heart by having an affair and he still did it.

So as far as I'm.concerned, he can fuck off with his apologies...

Who knows, maybe at some.point I can accept his apology, but I am not there yet

She's doing it now to prove to him he made the right decision. Its also got novelty value. Like I said, she will get pissed off eventually. Just sit back and watch.

Shes enjoying being the cool girl....not like the nagging, fed up wife. Its actually comical and sad at the same time.