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Original poster

Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

192 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 08/07/2023 14:10

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 08/07/2023 19:36

Comedycook · 08/07/2023 19:32

Shes enjoying being the cool girl....not like the nagging, fed up wife. Its actually comical and sad at the same time.

Yes, that's exactly it. She's not exhausted and tired and drained like I am...

But she will be sooner or later... he's such a fool.

Through all this, all I'm thinking is

I am so damn glad I am a woman, we cry, we rant, we get emotional, we grieve and do what needs to be done whilst staying strong for our children (not stereotyping), but at the end of the day

WE SLAY!

OP posts:
AfraidToRun · 08/07/2023 19:38

He's an arrogant arsenal looking for an ego boost and has found a needy woman who is trying to acquire love through domestic servitude. It won't last.

whiskyinthejaro · 08/07/2023 19:40

You sound amazing and so dignified OP, take care of yourself

For your horrid ex, I see two paths:

OW wants a baby but he keeps putting her off for seemingly good reasons and ends up stringing her along for years, because he's already got kids and he's happy with the set-up.
or
OW has a baby and he starts looking around elsewhere for a new relationship with no strings.

oakleaffy · 08/07/2023 19:52

No wonder you feel upset, @Mensuckbigtime anyone would in that position.

Be mentally prepared that it's probable that she will get pregnant {By 'accident' or design} in the not to distant future.

Then the focus will be on 'her' kid, and yours will take a back seat.

That's how it usually goes- sadly.

But chances are he will do the dirty on her, too .

742EvergreenTerrace · 08/07/2023 19:55

Don’t feel bad he’s moved on so quickly, he’s just found another person to clean his pants, make his lunchbox and babysit his kids, oh the romance

she’s now the main woman so she’s created a space where she was before… won’t be long and there’ll be another mistress hiding behind the scenes, how you get them is how you lose them.

you are brave for meeting the ow! Very civilised on your part. Dignified. Unlike your ex and his new piece

Bluetrews25 · 08/07/2023 19:59

So, she's taken your job now you have left it.
Who will be stepping up to her former role?

ejbaxa · 08/07/2023 20:00

I think that you should comfort yourself with the fact that the woman looking after your dds is actually a decent person. Although she knowingly had an affair with a married man, she is clearly naïve and has been deceived hideously by him (you can imagine the bullshit he fed her) - at the moment, she seems happy to cook, clean, do childcare etc. All this is a plus for your dds. She doesn't sound negligent and she doesn't have other kids to prioritise at this time. She probably is fucking up her own life with your loser ex, but that's her business and her problem. She's going to want a baby or perhaps already does want one with him.

Honestly, you sound like you have lost a twat and she sounds like she's been silly enough to gain him.

ejbaxa · 08/07/2023 20:02

And, she will remember that you were decent and nice when you met. And one day, it will help her see through his bullshit.

And - it actually shows a fair bit of decency on her part that she agreed to meet you. I kind of feel sorry for her as she won the booby prize!

lastminutewednesday · 08/07/2023 20:05

Ah op. She's doing that on the first flush of love. Give it a year, 18 months-she will wise up.

TattoedLady · 08/07/2023 20:06

OP you sound amazing. I think it's truly selfless to meet her to benefit your daughters emotional welfare. Truly selfless.

I am a SM to two DSCs, who I truly do love. But I can tell you, as a SM (not the OW), she's not your kiddos mum, they don't consider her their mum, going swimming isn't something "special" (it's just swimming) and meeting her family has absolutely no meaning for your kids at all, it has no significance whatsoever.

While DPs ex and I get on really well, I never think about her household - maybe that approach might help you? You've said, for example, that she's not exhausted and drained like you are, but (gently) that's just a story you're telling yourself. You've said they're playing 'happy families' but again, that's a story you're telling yourself. Whatever it looks like to you, it isn't the real truth. The truth is always something different and rarely as we imagine. For all you know she's crumbling under the weight of guilt, unsure if she's made the right choice, ticked off with all the housework and freaking out that she's expected to be so involved so soon.

Tell yourself a better story - you are an amazing woman and Mum, you have created a safe environment for your daughters, you have a strength and resilience that has gotten you this far and will take you farther, and your future is wide open and full of possibility.

oakleaffy · 08/07/2023 20:07

Comedycook · 08/07/2023 19:32

Shes enjoying being the cool girl....not like the nagging, fed up wife. Its actually comical and sad at the same time.

''Look how great and loving and nurturing I am, you poor, poor man..
See how loving I am with you children...and you..
No wonder you left her, she didn't support you, or care for you like I am doing...look how motherly I am, how caring, when we have our OWN child/ren our lives will be perfect''

In reality:
She will get pregnant, their sex life will fall off a cliff, and he will look elsewhere.

@Mensuckbigtime My husband had an affair, and the new woman {much older than me} was desperately trying to get pregnant- the divorce lawyer wanted to have a look at husband's work diaries {Self employed} and ''Fertility appt'' was written in - my solicitor showed me!

They didn't conceive, and broke up {divorced} 2 yrs later.

He's remarried again, conceived, and runs around after that {now adult} DC like a headless chicken, which annoys my {now adult} DC.

My adult DC says ''I shouldn't feel annoyed, but I still do, as dad did very little for me like that''

Feelings of pain and anger are normal- your pain will ease with time , OP x

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 08/07/2023 20:10

TattoedLady · 08/07/2023 20:06

OP you sound amazing. I think it's truly selfless to meet her to benefit your daughters emotional welfare. Truly selfless.

I am a SM to two DSCs, who I truly do love. But I can tell you, as a SM (not the OW), she's not your kiddos mum, they don't consider her their mum, going swimming isn't something "special" (it's just swimming) and meeting her family has absolutely no meaning for your kids at all, it has no significance whatsoever.

While DPs ex and I get on really well, I never think about her household - maybe that approach might help you? You've said, for example, that she's not exhausted and drained like you are, but (gently) that's just a story you're telling yourself. You've said they're playing 'happy families' but again, that's a story you're telling yourself. Whatever it looks like to you, it isn't the real truth. The truth is always something different and rarely as we imagine. For all you know she's crumbling under the weight of guilt, unsure if she's made the right choice, ticked off with all the housework and freaking out that she's expected to be so involved so soon.

Tell yourself a better story - you are an amazing woman and Mum, you have created a safe environment for your daughters, you have a strength and resilience that has gotten you this far and will take you farther, and your future is wide open and full of possibility.

😘

OP posts:
Chatillon · 08/07/2023 20:10

I think he's relying to play happy family with OW and DDs @Mensuckbigtime

He is young enough still do to it all again. And again. I bet you in 8 years' time he leaves OW with their new sprogs to settle down with a younger model in his late 40's.

It. Happens. Very. Very. Frequently.

Lndnmummy · 08/07/2023 20:23

@Mensuckbigtime you know OP she is doing the pick me dance. She feels insecure and so wants to prove to him he made the right choice. 'Look at me, I am wife material too'.

She will be laying in a terrible bed. Going from being ow to cleaning up and washing dishes🤯.

Karma OP. Karma

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 08/07/2023 20:25

Lndnmummy · 08/07/2023 20:23

@Mensuckbigtime you know OP she is doing the pick me dance. She feels insecure and so wants to prove to him he made the right choice. 'Look at me, I am wife material too'.

She will be laying in a terrible bed. Going from being ow to cleaning up and washing dishes🤯.

Karma OP. Karma

God, I do hope there is some Karma
But again, I dont "blame" her, I blame him!

OP posts:
ginghamstarfish · 08/07/2023 20:32

Sorry OP, not great for your kids, but cheating men are usually serial cheaters... I never understand why any woman agrees to be the OW to some lying bastard, but I guess vanity makes them feel it won't happen to them in turn.

MorrisZapp · 08/07/2023 20:34

Karma would be her cheating on him, surely?

This is the hardest part OP, every day you will feel stronger and every day you will get closer to feeling peace about your scabby ex husband.

Theonlywayisupagain · 08/07/2023 20:39

I am in the same situation only my children are slightly older and he is buying me out to move her in. It’s awful and I don’t understand how another woman can think it’s acceptable to behave in that way but unfortunately they are both so wrapped up in each other they don’t see the damage they are doing. I think you sound like you are strong and doing amazing and I hope I can be like you one day. At the moment I can’t see either of them without insulting them or being sarcastic though I’m my defense he is behaving dreadfully.
hang in their and your children will recognise how wonderful you are x

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 08/07/2023 20:46

Theonlywayisupagain · 08/07/2023 20:39

I am in the same situation only my children are slightly older and he is buying me out to move her in. It’s awful and I don’t understand how another woman can think it’s acceptable to behave in that way but unfortunately they are both so wrapped up in each other they don’t see the damage they are doing. I think you sound like you are strong and doing amazing and I hope I can be like you one day. At the moment I can’t see either of them without insulting them or being sarcastic though I’m my defense he is behaving dreadfully.
hang in their and your children will recognise how wonderful you are x

Hey, I really appreciate you saying this, but I am no saint.

I get angry at STBXH all the time and make remarks to him.

I wanted to meet her because shes spending so much time with DDs and also to have agency and control over MY "image". I am sure STBXH has painted me as a monster (true to the Script...) and I didnt want him to control the narrative.

And to show him, that I have a pair of balls and am not a coward as he is.

Like my DM always says - kill them with kindness and Im sure OW did not expect me to be a decent woman...

OP posts:
StellaJohanna · 08/07/2023 21:19

You are an extraordinary person and mother - wow - he has made a terrible, awful mistake. He will realise this and will cry and beg to be back with you within the year, but you will have long moved on by then. Keep strong. You are above some of the petty stuff people have suggested you do on here - you are soaring above it all - you even hugged her because she was upset and you felt sorry for her. You are a bloody awesome person. 🌻

Usuallytho · 08/07/2023 21:20

I totally get that you hate the OW, it’s raw. I’m awed you keep your dignity and behave so well. I don’t know how you got through that meeting, you are truly amazing. Your daughters will appreciate all of this when they are old enough to understand what went on. (They will form their own opinions when they are full grown and piece the story together). In the meantime, OW is doomed to constantly be looking over her shoulder, questioning every text message that he gets and wondering where he is when he is late home. Once a cheat always a cheat. You will rebuild your life and be happy again. I am 20 years down the line from a very similar situation. If I’m honest, on the rare occasion her name comes up, I still turn my nose up at the first ‘other woman’ but he did the same thing to her. Keep your chin up, you sound like a fantastic strong woman.

Arabels · 08/07/2023 21:29

You’re wonderful OP. I had EXDH and his new gf round for a cup of tea after she met my child and everyone thought I was being very brave and gracious, and she only came on the scene after we split!

What you’ve done is distanced yourself from his bullshit. You’ve stepped outside his story about you. You’ve set the terms of the new relationships you’re going to have with these people. He can’t hurt you any more 🥂

It’s a long game. One day you’ll love again and you’ll be well clear of all the bitterness that goes with staying entangled and invested in what your ex does.

For now though, let yourself grieve

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 08/07/2023 21:33

Just wanted to say a big thank you to every one for your responses.

I'm in the thick of it and it will take time to heal, but eventhough at times I feel weak, I know my strength and I know my love for my children will carry me through - that and new bras, ranting on MN and champagne

And I will make sure I will raise my daughters to be badass women who don't take shit and have self respect and balls.

Thanks a million for your support!!!

OP posts:
Wibbleswombats · 08/07/2023 21:38

Someone we know left his wife and DC & seemed to move on very quickly and is now married. New wife is already pregnant and I just feel really sorry for her as it's completely obvious that once she is the wife and not the gf, the shine will fade for him quickly.

spring33 · 09/07/2023 09:41

Oh dear, she has created a vacancy! She will never trust him, she already knows he is a cheat. Good luck, you are very brave and you deserve so much better!

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