Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

You don't feel it yet OP, but your ex leaving you is the best thing he could ever do for you. He sounds like a complete inept dick who only functions with a woman running his chores. If the new woman has any sense, she'll realise that sooner rather than later.

this is still the honeymoon phase....

@Mensuckbigtime

So the OW is now his 'nanny with a fanny'. Oooh, lucky her!! NOT. Well, right now she's operating under 'Time to Impress Him Syndrome', it's part of her 'sunk costs fallacy', but I'm sure she'll get tired of it at some point. As far as him, fuck him. The trash has taken itself out.

But in real 'today' terms, your 'practical' load has been lightened. No more cleaning up after him, cooking for him, washing his dirty clothes and skid undies. No more listening to his criticism or excuses. You are indeed 'free'.

So, listen to the 'calm' in your home now. See how nice your bedroom and bathroom stay without his mess. See how nice your living room and kitchen is without him in it, with just you and the girls to clean up after.

I know this is painful, but that pain will lessen in time. You'll find your inner strength and that 'fire in your belly'. And you will move forward into your new life and you WILL be happy!

I told OW that I do not agree with what she has done and that she will have to forgive herself for this somewhere down the line.

I made it crystal clear that the responsibility lies with STBXH- he made vows that he broke, not her.

He is an asshole and I feel like I've wasted nearly two decades with someone who would end up treating me like shit

You live and learn

She’s playing house, she’ll soon tire of scrubbing shit from the loo.

Well I’m no clairvoyant but I predict a new baby within the next couple of years and then looking after other people’s children is going to get real old, real quick.

I think you've done a very big & beneficial thing here OP, if you can stay on good terms with this woman, if you can establish some degree of mutual trust with her it will be to the benefit of your children and it will enable you to nip things in the bud if the children's father starts playing games.
Keeping her onside, building an alliance with her can be a way to get yourself in a position of power and (subtly so he doesn't realise & push back) keep the upper hand over this man.
Try to be strategic and think long term, write down everything that happens.

What do you think I should write down?

Everything!
It's the only way to remember the details, tracking things over time is a good way to understand the underlying dynamics so as to plan effective strategies for yourself

I really feel for you. The OW, well, she’s probably trying to do the whole pick me thing and may remain in that energy for a while. But after a few months of being his housemaid she may realise she’s been played. The fact she met you and is doing so much suggests to me she’s a bit of a people pleaser - easy prey for an older man who flattered her (some people find that flattering, I mean - I don’t think it is at all). She’s had her role to play and I doubt from what you’ve said that this relationship will make her happy in the long run.

As for him? How depressing for him that he couldn’t last five seconds without a ‘support woman’ to clean up after gum. How utterly childish and immature.

Give it six months. Focus on yourself. You’ll be ok. Sending hugs.

OP there’s a really great private Facebook group ‘Runaway Husbands’ set up by author and therapist Vikki Stark, her own H left for OW. These women are all going through the same thing as you are now. That group helped me enormously when my ex left. Everyone was going through the same experience and emotions. The pain WILL ease. It took me just over a year. I then started dating again and am very happy now. But you have to go through the process, just go with the hurt, let it flow. It’ll ease off in time. A good hobby that absorbs you is helpful, I took up embroidery and it helped massively. Hang on there.

Absolutely this. Happened to me, and let me tell you she who laughs last, laughs the loudest. Give it the time it needs OP you’ll end up the winner in the long run.

Oh she's just in the heady days of thinking it's love.

She'll soon get fed with him, and he her when it all settles to domesticated boredom.

If they don't, then all the best to them.

Sadly you cannot control who your kids see when it's the other parents time.

To me, it sounds like she's trying to be perfect for him. You know, play the perfect wife role that you apparently 'couldnt'. She'll either come to her senses or be thick enough to try and get pregnant. I suspect that won't go down well with ex and the monotony will set in.

You're free. Of you question everything because your children are involved. I'd just pity the woman if I'm honest.

I was where OP is years ago and when they're flouncing around with their new woman, plating happy families, emotionally and financially secure, you definitely feel like the loser.
You've had you life ripped away from you.

OP it will get better. You are wonderful to consider and protect your children through this- your integrity will be what ensures that they are not damaged through this.

Stay strong.

I can tell you right now - this will not last!

My first H cheated on me. We'd been together 20 years, with 2 kids. We were happy, had regular sex, yada, yada. After we split up, he met someone new and she moved in to what had been the marital home. I can remember thinking, that if he could cheat on me - his long standing wife and the mother of his children - then he would find it even easier to cheat on her, a woman with whom he had very little invested - not married, no kids.......and guess what, that's exactly what he did. Because men like this are capable of extreme deceit and lying. Why would he stop now? I mean, just why? He knows now, that he can get extra sex if he chooses. I'd wager that he is probably already sexting other women, or being naughty behind her back. But she's handy (for now) to do household chores.

In a few years, you will look back on this, and be thankful that he did what he did. My ExH is now with a different lady, and I'm pretty sure he's cheating on her. I, on the other hand, have been married for 10 years to my 2nd H, who is a much better man. Honestly, mark my words......

Its very frustrating when we see other women colluding with the things men do that cause us all harm. This unfortunate young woman clearly believes she has won him and on a level probably believes that will be conditional on her ability to meet all his needs. The best outcome will that her eyes will be opened sooner rather than later, she will recognise that winning the right to be exploited is no prize at all, and your sad specimen of an ex will find himself in the situation he deserves.

I’m in awe of you @Mensuckbigtime you are a legend for meeting her. Let me tell you that YOU are the winner here. She has nothing to look forward to other than your shit of an ex. You have FREEDOM!! I bet she thinks you’re one hell of a woman. I hope you do something fabulous for yourself to celebrate your courage. Xx

I treated myself to a glass of champagne to celebrate my bravery and my balls that I have... that STBXH has never grown

Babe, you need to watch ‘the woman’ - get yourself feeling glam after doing some rage screaming into a pillow with some vino, let that shit out - then after, give yourself some love, a glow up! Do something that makes you happy and raise your vibe’s because this stinky energy isn’t going to get you anywhere. Firstly, purge yourself of any emotional connection and I promise you, you will feel better and even attract something better 😉 - he is probably hating every second being with her and you being glum is making him feel better with an ego boost. Act like you don’t care (despite caring very much) and give yourself a big hug. Xxx

Treat yourself op, hair, nails, clothes, whatever it takes to feel fabulous.

The men in these stories always seem to land on their feet and attach to support humans immediately. I can see why you are enraged with him especially after causing you all that pain. Your children are very young and you are right in the thick of it. His load is so light in comparison to yours and it is totally unfair.

People who are wired with less capacity to feel deeply generally have an easier run through life. I doubt your ex feels regret or guilt and probably never will. It is all about self interest and will always be. I am sorry you have to go through this. I know it sounds trite but concentrate on your own happiness and that of your beautiful daughters. Fuck him- the disloyal cowardly prick.

It is frustrating that invariably BOTH women come out worse in these events- the wife and the OW are both losers. The men get away with it.

I’m so sorry I can totally understand why you are feeling the way you are. He isn’t struggling as a lone parent the way you are, even though he is the one who behaved terribly. He isn’t being punished, quite the opposite.

I really hope you meet a supportive partner in time, if that’s what you want. It was big of you to meet the OW for the sake of your DC.

She’s doing all his cleaning and cooking because she’s insecure. She knows he’s the kind of man who will leave a woman for another and so she has to live with that kind of insecurity for the rest of their relationship.

I can completely relate @Mensuckbigtime My ex left me for another woman, who did all of the home chores and wound up doing all of the childcare for our children when they were there. He then left her for someone else and the cycle has repeated again. I’d feel sorry for the women as they are being used and abused and it seems they are just seen for the utility they provide. And feel grateful that you are no longer part of this circus. It may seem like he has landed on his feet, but I’d lay money on him being an unhappy man inside

Hold your head up lady! You have rid yourself of a prick. Get your life sorted from now. You are free of a prat. I feel sorry for the OW by the by. But there you go.... Sending you a big hug 🤗🤗

Good for you lovely, enjoy your champagne. Concentrate on yourself, do things for You when they, re with Father dearest. Seriously you, ll be scooting about in the spangly boob tube looking sensational soon, as OW will be making dinners cleaning up after him. As the young ones say, Fake it till you make it!.