Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

Fucking hell OP what a waste of her life.

Think about it, it's not weekends in Paris, new clothes, gigs and dinner for her, it's washing socks and scrubbing toilets.

More fool her.

You have your amazing children most of the time. When you meet someone else, in time, you will get the going out being carefree because there is no way you will end up washing another's socks.

She will be on the stepmum threads in a couple of years, complaining about how she does everything for her sdc and still isn't regarded as a parent.

Meanwhile, your ex gets to carry on with no real disruption to his life at all. He still has a woman to do the women's work that needs doing, and that will probably free him up sufficiently to pursue his next affair when he gets bored of this relationship.

The OW is a mug. She shouldn't have had an affair with a married man, but God, I feel sorry for her. Imagine thinking that clearing up after a sexist philandering twat is the best you could do.

You've had a lucky escape, OP. You're better off without him. Sadly for her, it may take a few years for her to get to this realisation.

She hasn't won ANY sort of prize, has she? Cooking and cleaning and babysitting for her new boyfriend? It's not exactly a romantic dream, is it - when are they even going on dates and adventures?

As a PP said - you are FREEEE of all his nonsense now. I hope you can go and have some adventures of your own.

You may not see it for a while but he's done you a favour.

Change your perspective (I know it’s hard). But you are the winner.

She certainly hasn’t won a prize. She has won a lying cheat. He had small print next to his wedding vows. He swore in front of friends and family that he wouldn’t cheat and he cannot keep his word. He has no Integrity and poor morals. Presumably he is susceptible to ego boosts and smoke up his butt. He is chasing a teenage in love feeling. A person with integrity would have asked you to attend counselling and told you he is worried the marriage is failing as he is attracted to someone. This low value man chased the butt smoke because it felt good. He cannot communicate effectively (or he would have not have cheated, he would have spoken to you). He has a woman deal with his kids for him.

She too has issues - no way would I start a relationship as someones dirty little secret. Her self esteem must be poor to accept being kept hidden even for a month or two. She fell for the claptrap coming out of a married mans mouth he is likely to have lied to her (we don’t have sex/we don’t love each other etc). But I’d keep her on side for your kids sake.

If they split up (which probability says is highly likely) then he’s not a catch going forward. He has elected to make himself untrustworthy. ‘Did you cheat on your wife?’ - he has two choices 1) tell the truth and risk a good quality person not going on another date. 2) lying 🤥. Great way to start a new relationship. It’s also why I would always ask that q on a first date.

You are the winner. You need to act like a winner until you realise you are one. You (presumably) took your vows seriously and held onto your integrity and core values even during hard times. Focus on that - write down who you are, what are your values? - and build a new future. It’s about perspective - see this as catalyst for positive change and fake it to start with.

also… I’d milk the situation Op! I’d be all sweetness and light and air kisses and “SO nice we can all get along for the sake of dc“

and then I’d be “oh can I have your number it’s still we aren’t directly in touch!”

and then I’d be …
”oh I popped the dc’s sports shoes in, they need a good wash I just won’t have a moment as I’m off to a festival this weekend, they will need to be dry in time for Monday (PE)”

and
”the girls need plain yellow T shirts for sports day, I’m skint until pay day and I know DH will mess it up, can you order online and I’m sure he’ll reimburse you?”

and
“last time you washed dd’s school skirt the pleats had dropped out, please can you iron whilst slightly damp next time? Only it’s hard being the only one of her friends from a broken home so I like to keep her self-esteem up where I can and looking smart helps her feel better about herself.”

He's a good dad, I'm.sure she spend time with them.

I think he's relying to play happy family with OW and DDs

Makes me sick

I just came on to say what an amazing mum and human being you are OP for hurting yourself to make things more comfortable for your daughters. It will make everything much easier for them for the rest of their lives probably. But it must have hurt like hell so here's a hug. What a woman!!

I think she feels sorry for him...

He has no family close by and from what she said, it sounds like she feels he needs saving...

Yet he was the one who left and he's a grown man
It's infuriating

I hope she experiences nothing but misery and misfortune all the days of het life. To be in any way connected to the break up of a family in unforgivable. Obviously it’s him to blame too, he sounds absolutely useless and vile. Your kids will see him for what he is in time. In time, She will probably end up on here complaining about being left with the step kids and having to do too much for them

Very similar happened with my friend and her Ex. Although it was obviously upsetting, she reframed her thinking to being pleased they were being fed and looked after properly rather than being fed McDonald’s which is what her useless Ex would have done.
It didn’t last long, the new woman soon came to her senses!

@Mensuckbigtime
Just to pick up on your last point: I used to take my 2 swimming together. Just in the shallow end with puffers on and keep them close.

But overall, she's the pillock for doing housework. You can get the house tidy when the kids aren't there and then when they're at home, you can do lots of fun stuff with them with the extra time.
Or use the time alone to do lovely stuff for yourself like sopping, gym, spa. I love a steam then hot tub when I have time.

Just imagine laying back getting your man-pedi done whilst she's slaving over the hoover, or getting laundry done. And you don't have a twatface to look after anymore

It's not right that she's lifting a finger for him where the kids are concerned. They're his 'job' and all the associated things are and should be his responsibility - not just the fluffy nice bits. Men like him make me mad.

Aha so she feels sorry for him. She’s rescued him from you. Sweetness and light towards her will just baffle her.

I had this exact situation, guess what it didn't last!. He's had several since then, I couldn't care less. They, re all welcome to him. I met a great man, an absolute gem. Best thing he did was feck off.

The thrill and secrecy of an affair. All hearts and flowers. Secret whispers of Romeo and Juliet.

Now it’s broken sleep, upset kids and his dirty pants. Loves young dream.

I think you're very brave for meeting her, and also very sensible for getting to know something about the woman who is spending a lot of time with your children, who are at a lovely age and are no doubt delightful to be around. I'd have loved it if I could have had a harmonious relationship with the mother of my stepchildren (I wasn't the OW) instead of her being hostile.

I also think it won't be long before she's on here having a good moan about her 'D'P and how he leaves all the work to her, and people will be replying with variations of 'LTB' and questioning her sanity for having become involved with him.

Thanks, that means a lot.

It was sooo hard

My mantra was- I am doing it for the girls, I am doing it for the girls

And I also wanted to change thr narrative, that I'm not an unreasonable, bitter, cursing woman (which I have been to DH but he deserves it)

I was kind to OW, I even gave her a hug when I could tell she was getting teary

In a way, I feel sorry for her

Lol, THIS!!!!!

Got herself a much older man who is a proven liar and cheater, what a catch he is! Whereas you have shown yourself to be the height of grace and maturity and decency, the true catch, and now you;re free of him as a deadweight. He might have her as his personal maid and nanny, but a relationship that starts on lies and cheating will never be a healthy one. A lucky escape, op.

I'm in the same situation but in order to cope you have to look at it differently. They are your "free" baby sitters enabling you to have some much needed time to yourself or to do things that need doing in the house. YOU are free of a disgusting cheat while she will be watching her back forever knowing what he is capable of. If he can do that to the mother of his children he can do it to her too. She's now dating a man with poor character and doing all the hard graft of parenting for two kids that aren't even hers. I wouldn't want to be her. If she's a decent person she must be feeling horribly guilty.

You are the lucky one, you have got rid of this fool. She's only been there five minutes and she is his servant already.
I brought up my DS completely alone and never got a break as exH was court ordered not to see him until he was 18.
I didn't want a break - I was happy being the sole carer rather than him be with his vindictive angry F.

Don't feel sorry for her. This is the life she has chosen for herself. The novelty of playing mummy to his children will wear off eventually, but she will always have the worry of him cheating if he is not happy with her. Don't forget it will be your children who will likely suffer if she has children of her own.

she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

I'd be cheering. When the playing-house novelty wears off she'll soon get sick of being the unpaid skivvy to the lazy sod. Yay!!!

One of the best things about being older is that you get to see what happens next over the ensuing years.

My best friend's husband had a fling and buggered off. She was literally suicidal but a few years on and she looked back with horror at the situation. Her DC can't stand the H and she's had a couple of LT relationships since and is pretty happy.

Totally not great your H getting some random to look after the kids. She won't be the last either, so it looks like you'll need to provide the stability for the kids.

she will find someone else who’s childless and 10 years younger than him one day then you will be laughing