Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

Then she'll be posting on MN about how her DP doesn't help much with the new baby and still expects her to do all the running around for the stepchildren. People will reply with "Why did you have a child with him when you knew what he was like?" Etc. Same old story.

Yes, she's doing all this for someone else's kids. It's hard enough for your own! The novelty will wear off. She'll want her own kids, but it won't be the same because she's done it all before with someone else's kids. Who knows if you're ExH will even let her have her own kids. It's not all beautiful for her, although I'll admit he's fallen on his feet for the time being. If she's got any brains at all, she'll soon see through it and get fed up with him. Your time will come, OP, but it in the meantime enjoy your girls, enjoy your freedom.

Yes, people who have affairs tend to play the victim narrative for many reasons. It's an effective seductive technique, especially for nurturing women or generally anyone with the "I'll fix it" mentality. It also allows the cheater to not take responsibility...."I had to have an affair because I was so unhappy, Ex w was so mean, horrible etc"
This.
It's common for men who cheat to line themselves up a new (often younger and child-free) woman who can take over parenting and domestic duties.

The new woman knows he is a cheat, knows the way he will lie to keep a bit on the side, knows how he talks about his wife/partner when she isn't around, and so will be jumping through all the hoops to prove she isn't like his ex wife.

If she has to confront reality she's forced to accept that either she's being played for a fool, or she's secretly terrified that if she doesn't keep doing what he wants he'll go and find a new affair partner.

She thinks she will change him and he's a prince ...hmmmm...pair of cheats together . They deserve each other.

I think you did the right thing meeting her, I found, when in the same situation, I sort of built his affair partner up in my head, as some kind of magical sexy siren who had stolen his love from me, whereas when I met her, she was just ordinary. The fact that she is having to support him, is because he cannot do it himself, he is not as strong as you. You could view it as unfair, but better to see it as you being a strong independent woman, who can bring up her 2 lovely children without being hindered by a useless lump of a man. Let him get on with it, the best revenge is for you to live a happy life without him. Don't be looking for another partner too soon, just enjoy your freedom and your children.

My DH left for OW and one of the things she ranted about (or so he said)* was that she was doing all the housework in their little lovenest and picking up afer him and being left alone when he went off to golf every Saturday morning then football in the PM.

Yes, dear. This is what day to day life with him is like. A bit different from all the romantic trysts behind your partners' backs, isn't it? still, never mind. You got who you wanted, didn't you?

*He was angling for sympathy for her. He failed.

Men are shit at being alone. I know someone's going to tell me about their cousin who lived alone for 500 years or whatever, but at a class level it's largely true. They are shit at being alone. He didn't leave you until he had another woman waiting in the wings.

It's not because they never loved you, it's not because they moved on so fast, it's nothing except the fact that they are completely shit at being alone.

He (and she) started having an affair when your youngest was a baby. Frankly they are scumbags.

He cheated on you, he will cheat on her. Even if they have a child of their own. Well, especially likely if they do. Because he isn't equal to the realities of being a parent.

He's a self-centred bastard who just wants a non-knackered woman he can have regular sex with. You are really well rid.

^In three years she'll be on here going,
"new DH never helps with housework or baby and I am left to look after the DSC when they stay here"...

while you're on here going,
"Which bit of Thailand should I do a motorcycle tour with lovely new BF when the DC go to see their F?"

Love it! @Paperbagsaremine

DrSbaitso has hit the nail on the head.

It's a trend on so many threads and situations.

It's probably why there's lots of times an affair and a man leaving can seem like it came out of the blue. In some situations the wife has no idea there's anything wrong, the relationship seems good overall, they've got a reasonable sex life, he seems like a good dad, they've got a good family life and then all of a sudden it's D-Day. If the option of an affair and lining someone up in the wings wasn't there then he'd probably have stayed in the marriage for years. It's a him problem.

But he only gets to see them for a day and night. You are lucky to have them much more. Don’t forget that.

They won’t appreciate it now but the will when they are adults.

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her

I think you were brave and I doubt you will regret that meeting in the long term. I can understand your anger at the unfairness of it all but in terms of moving on to a better life all round, I fancy your chances much more than the STBex or the OW.

I bet she was very nervous meeting you OP. If I was the OW meeting a strong woman like you who has taken control and organised a meeting with her children’s stability in mind, then I would probably cry too. I’d cry because I’d be in front of the person who has been hugely hurt by my actions yet is big enough to make contact (not saying the blame lies totally with her btw). I’d be confronted by my own selfishness because the ex-wife is no longer faceless. I’d be meeting a woman who is not unreasonable/unhinged or whatever I’ve been told, but clearly completely sane and reasonable. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is ruminating over your meeting and some uncomfortable truths.

I know this is unjust and hard for you now OP but it will get easier and each day that passes you can be sure that you have done your best and haven’t chosen to damage other people. They may be able to take your DC swimming and other “fun” stuff but they can’t offer the security and consistency that your children are clearly getting from you. He sounds a weak man, you sound a strong woman and this is probably dawning on OW.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you are well shot of him.

He’s a lazy, inept man child and she is an absolute idiot.

I rather suspect there was quite a lot more to it than that.

And when she gets into bed ( clean sheets that she has washed and changed) having cleaned up after their evening meal ( that she has shopped for, prepared and cooked)set the alarm so she can get up early because it’s a school day ( kids to get breakfast for , teeth, hair, school bags, clean uniform, school run because he is tired/has a meeting) I am pretty sure that not only is she too knackered for sex but has a niggling thought growing in the back of her mind about exactly what she has signed up for.

I bet her life was a lot easier when all she had to worry about was if she had time for a manicure before meeting up with her married lover.

Guarantee you that pretty soon she will want her own children.
When that happens your ex will be back to the drudge of nappies, sleepless nights while your life gets better and better.

It's already a very weird dynamic, it's like he's a schoolboy that needs to be mothered

this dynamic isn’t sustainable. She will soon get hacked off with it, once the honeymoon period is over. As she brought it up it is must be bugging her already. She will try to grow a backbone and push back. He will have to change (unlikely), or they will split up.

I’m in awe of you arranging to meet up with her!

Re the chores op, the brutal truth is that many men really value that in a wife. We hope they might value us for our interesting personality, or intelligence, or even beauty but lots of them value us as support humans. So if she wasn't that sort of person he wouldn't have picked her. Even on Mumsnet you see it all the time, men being pissed off if housework isn't done but refusing to do it themselves. They want a housekeeper

I would try to take the positives from the situation, even though it’s so upsetting:

• you don’t have to live with a cheater any more
• your children are being looked after when they are not with you.
• yes they can do nice things together but you are their mum and that can’t be changed.
• you get a break where you can regroup, do some things for yourself.
• once a cheater, always a cheater so karma will come eventually.

Oh shit
Just.picked up the girls at the old apartment which is always so hard for me.

Older DD mentioned OW and my heart just stopped- the girls have been introduced to some.of the OWs family (her sister and aunt) and it hurts so fucking much.

It's all happy family days at the swimming pool and here I am again, having to.swallow my.emotions and my tears to be strong for thr girls

While he probably never spent a minute thinking about his family when he went to OW behind my back.

It's so hard, when will the pain.ease off?

I feel like I'm.pretending to be a strong woman, but inside, I am crumbling

I can understand why you're angry and why it seems unfair. However, you're not seeing the whole picture. Maybe they argue all the time. Maybe she's pissed off and resentful at having to be his skivvy. Even if they are blissfully happy you're seeing a snapshot in time. Life is dynamic, constantly changing and evolving. I remember once I was going through a terrible time. My life was falling apart. I went to a restaurant and saw my friend. She'd just got married to this gorgeous, lovely guy. They were so in love. They'd just returned from their honeymoon and were bronzed, relaxed, happy. They lived in an amazing house, were planning for the future - children etc. All I could see was their "happy ever after" and how in contrast my life was going down the pan. I couldn't see a future for myself. Fast forward a few years, my poor friend had to endure the worst tragedy and heartache you can imagine while everything in my life was pretty peachy.
Just trying to say, even if your ex seems to have a great life how it doesn't mean he always will have. Shit happens to everyone, your life may well become easier and better. No need to compare lives at one moment in time.

I wonder if it’s because you have dds that you’re so kindly disposed towards her?

She is an absolute fool. When you marry and have dc with a man you take a huge gamble on his character, and unfortunately yours turned out to be a loser. There’s no way of knowing.

Except she does know that her man is a loser. No one with a modicum of sense would bet their salary on a lame horse, but this is exactly what she’s doing. More so if she’s stupid enough to have dc with him.

He has poor morals and so does she. But my word, OP your girls are lucky to have you. I’m just in awe of your strength, courage, kindness and compassion.

This is a very dark time - and it hurts and will hurt for some time yet. Sending you strength.

That's what I am thinking. She's 33, she will want children and he will be back to square one...

She has no idea how hard parenting is, he does... I can't wait (eventhough I think this may be really hard for DD to cope with half siblings who have DF around all the time...)
What a.bloody mess

You're not the loser in this. She's stuck looking after someone else's kids. I'm sure she's happy to now, but she'll get sick at some point. He's showing he can't manage on his own.
I think you're the winner actually.
Never in a million years can I imagine doing what you did. Even though its the right thing to do. You're a much bigger person than me.

This - he hasn’t found himself a life partner, he’s found himself a drudge to come round and do all his cooking, cleaning and childcare. He can’t even be fucked parenting his own child two days a week, he needs a woman to do it for him. If you heard that they were shagging non-stop and in the honeymoon phase, that would be pretty annoying, but he has basically found himself a household servant, not a girlfriend.

My vagina would clamp shut to hear that - what a prince! You are well rid.