Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

^^This.

He's abandoning his duties as a parent as well as a husband.

And surely he should WANT to be with his children?

I wouldn't envy him at all, he's obviously not capable of fulfilling his own responsibilities. It'll go tits up when they eventually have kids and she can't wait on him hand and foot anymore. He'll try to trade her in for someone else with no kids of her own to care for. He's a loser.

Been in a similar situation and they now have a kid of their own - I am waiting to see if it pans out as the PP says!

I think she feels sorry for him

Yes, people who have affairs tend to play the victim narrative for many reasons. It's an effective seductive technique, especially for nurturing women or generally anyone with the "I'll fix it" mentality. It also allows the cheater to not take responsibility...."I had to have an affair because I was so unhappy, Ex w was so mean, horrible etc"

Many men who have affairs appear to fall on their feet annoyingly because women will take on step parenting so the man's life doesn't appear to change. Indeed he's likely to have more say/control over his children because OW will never achieve an equal parenting position, irrespective of the hours of work she puts into caring for your girls.

Just think about it....if they split up because he decides at some stage he isn't happy (again!) she has zero rights to see the girls, so all her time invested will lead to nothing. Until you, every once of energy you put into your girls will payoff.

What are the chances they are genuinely better suited so they will have a happy life? IME, this depends on his attitude to your marriage break up, IF he treats you respectfully and shows empathy then it shows he is slightly more emotionally mature and perhaps is more likely to handle the ups & down of a new relationship.

Don't be under any illusion that their relationship will be easier...2nd relationships generally aren't, as there is less money, less couple time and more opportunity for conflict. Get yourself over to the step parenting board to see the very common issues and angst of women who have become step mums.

However what you are experiencing is grief/anger for a family break up. If he doesn't feel this then he was never invested AND if he wasn't invested with you after 2 children what ate the chances is that he will invest with OW?

I'm sure he is spending time with thr girls.

I just find it annoying that he can't seem to manage on his own. This is the choice he's made and his younger gf now helps him.with house work

It's already a very weird dynamic, it's like he's a schoolboy that needs to be mothered

*Not Until..Unlike

So he’s a pathetic loser who can’t even cope with basic household tasks or caring for his children for the minimal time he has them? You’re well rid OP!

She is a mug and being treated as one. I can think of nothing less appealing than shacking up with a man 10 years older and doing his household chores and childcare for him.

Be glad you got rid of this big loser baby!! She really is helping take care of 3 children isn’t she? You are back to 2. Your children will get older and it will be easier to take them both out on your own.

Literally nothing op can do about this whatever the answer so not worth her stressing over that!

It’s not uncommon for men to inveigle a new woman to do their domestic work and childcare they don’t want to do themselves.

I wonder what on earth is in it for her.

OP. I would not have had the decorum to cope with such a meeting. I would not care in the slightest if she was doing the house work. More fool her. U need to.enjoy the time the children are away, doing something just for u. As for him.falking on his feet , again I would not hive a stuff. Think.about u. Don't give the arse head space.

I’m sure he could manage on his own he just doesn’t want to.
👿

Random accidental smiley!

I feel for your children who are probably going to have to experience another breakup of someone else they have grown close to. I can't see it working long term I really dont

It might be more appropriate to aim your passive aggressiveness at the man you chose to father your children.

Why is he only seeing them twice a week?

He’s seeing them 2/7 days. It needs to be 3/4 days every week.

He made a promise to you when you had your DCs to be there to help parent and support you.
He should not get out of doing that now he’s decided he wants a new life.

If you have more of a 50/50 Co-parent relationship then you’ll have more time to yourself which will help you.

Yes, I know the feeling. Ex did the same thing to me 5 years ago. I’m now in a lovely new relationship but we don’t live together as yet. ExH lives with his girlfriend. I’ve found I’ve had to work harder at everything house-wise and work-wise since he left. It’s exhausting and utterly overwhelming at times when something needs repairing etc. but I’ve adjusted (changed jobs recently to a more 9-5 role) and I wouldn’t change it as I’m happier now. My children are now older and they help with things around the house more.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by your kids. I've been there, and maintaining a cordial relationship with both your DH and the OW will make their lives easier. That's the only reason to do it, and one you will keep at the front of your mind when/if it goes tits up with their relationship.

The rage will pass, and you will realise that you value your freedom more than you despise the single parenting.

This is so so fuxking painful

I say nothing to minimise this

on paper it does look like he’s won as he has a partner and help on tap

totally get why it feels like shit

as with anyone is a shit situation you have to crack on with the self care

exercise
fun on your you time
focus on the good things
keep busy

In time cracks will appear
as they always bloody do ! Especially with a relationship founded on divorce and infidelity

but right now it’s shit xx

I remember my friend getting with an older man.

We were like 18 and he was like 40.

She loved it because he had a house, a good job and money (not rich but more than an 18 y/o).
He was a safe person to be with and she liked that he was a proper grown up.

She loved playing house and cooking, cleaning and looking after his kids etc.
She did it because she wanted to.

She got bored of that lifestyle eventually and they broke up.

Presumably she’ll have kids with him, and then she’ll truly realise what a useless lazy lump he is.

Your rage is totally understandable. You ex-husband is being pandered to; he's just found a younger, stupider, more gullible girl.

She'll learn. Let's hope she comes to regret her immoral behaviour, because of all the cooking & cleaning. Your STBX is beyond redemption, but let's hope his bit of fluff finds her inner strength and womans up to read him the riot act about being his domestic skivvy. Although I assume they're both so in lurrrve (retch) that they're neither of them at the stage of being sensible grown ups yet.

That's why your STBXH went for a much younger woman (also retch); they're more gullible.

So your Ex left his loving family for a house keeper/cleaner and a p/t dad role? Loser.

You are and always will be their mum. I kinda laughed at your post when you said she was cooking/cleaning/reading bedtime stories etc. what a mug she is. She will soon get bored of all that housewife shit looking after kids that arent hers. Bide your time..

I honestly think i would have done the same in your situation. I get you want to make sure shes ok as a person. says a lot about you. You sound a great mum.

He's a good dad, I'm.sure she spend time with them.

He's not a good dad. He cheated on his kids mum, broke up his family changing his kids lives forever and moved his new partner in to play step mum far too quickly. On top of that he sees them one evening and one day a week. Hardly dad of the year. And what a coward waiting for someone else to come along rather than saying he wasn't happy. Not a great role model is he?
Don't be jealous of the her, she'll be in your shoes one day most likely by which time you'll have a brand new life and newfound confidence.
Hope you're getting maintenance.

This!